March 16, 2016 at 3:12 PM
Dear Diary,
I think things have been a bit rocky for me since the last time that I saw Joe. He came by on Thursday, March 10th. The interaction felt awful. He didn’t really look at me, didn’t hug me, didn’t talk to me. It felt cold, like a ghost walking through the house. He picked up the last of his things- I kept a couple things for my own sanity- but he took mostly everything. There isn’t much holding us together anymore. He even turned in his keys and his permit.
I texted him after he left, because I just didn’t feel right about it. He never replied to my last message and it honestly really hurt my feelings a lot because it was the first time that I was being vulnerable with him and telling him that it was hard to see him. I can’t help but feel like it’s a power dynamic issue- that he just enjoys having the upper hand- because the way that he doesn’t reply has been a consistent behavior, so it’s safe to say it’s not accidental.
I’ve been feeling very conflicted lately and it’s caused a kind of general down feeling that eats at me. It happens whenever I see a guy I’m dating be really into me. When I see them emotionally or physically investing, I find myself completely overcome with guilt. Mostly, I feel really insecure and vulnerable. A lot of the time, I feel like they’re blind, and it’s only a matter of time until they find those uncompromisable flaws, or get bored, or find someone better and leave me. I feel almost bad for them when they catch feelings for me- I’m kind of unstable emotionally, I’m really needy, I’m indecisive and anxious, and I’m not generally strong-minded. Like yes, I realize that I’m educated, kind, creative, genuine, cute, and I have an interesting story to tell. But it doesn’t seem to carry people through. I feel vulnerable whenever I tell them anything beyond the facts. I’m happy and completely at ease talking about my break up, exes, and whatever difficult past stories. But as soon as it breaks down into me telling someone what I think of them, or how I feel towards them, I get really scared and I feel the most vulnerable. I think it has something to do with the hurt I experienced with Joe, always having a one-sided emotional investment. It was always so painful to have to work so incredibly hard to get him to say such simple things. I don’t think it was normal to crave words from my boyfriend. I didn’t want much, just… A compliment. A reminder of his love. Something to make me feel unique and special. A little encouragement on my goals. A little time investment. I remember I would cry when he would give me any of these things, because it was so rare and it was like a little bit of a reward for all the effort I’d put in up to that point. That’s not normal or fair.
I think being in that type of relationship was more hurtful than I had expected it to be, and it wasn’t visible to me until I consider getting into another one. I find that I don’t believe it when other guys tell me the things I wanted to hear from Joe. I know I don’t believe they have real feelings that will last. I also find that I freeze up if I make small attempts at being vulnerable and don’t get reciprocated- like the time when I told L that I missed him for the first time and he didn’t say anything about it for a couple hours. I felt dumb- like “There I go again, putting other people’s egos and happiness before mine. He’s just gonna steal that little bit of kindness I gave him and use it against me, or as reason to not try anymore.” I feel like people will advantage of my love- use it to build themselves up and not return it, because they know it will infinitely come. Through my love, Joe built character, confidence, he reached his goals and more, he repaired and maintained relationships, he was motivated and he formed a perfect foundation to take on any opportunities that came his way. Through Joe’s love, I built character and strength- but that’s about all. I had his company, too, but I thrived off of his happiness.
“And if I believe you, will that make it stop? / If I told you I need you, is that what you want?”
I can’t imagine telling another person that I need them. I don’t know if I’d want to do that because I’m not sure it’s good to need any other person besides yourself- but beyond that- handing them that power makes me feel so absolutely terrified. I guess that’s the main theme here, it’s that I’m really scared and I don’t feel ready to engage with people, and there’s an overarching guilt that occurs from others doing that for me.
This is the first time I’ve written this long (it’s 5:31pm now) and feel very unaccomplished. Writing was such a task today, I couldn’t put my finger on what it is that I’m feeling.
Will I ever feel ready or do I just have to jump in?
