Come Down From Your Tower

:(

A Goodbye, Maybe

Dear Diary Joe,

I don’t have much to say to you anymore, I guess. I don’t feel like writing to you. So I guess in some sense this is a goodbye unless something changes from here on out. It’s really weird how it’s all happened- I feel nothing really. I don’t miss you unless I really get myself thinking about it, or if I have a dream about you. It only lasts a couple hours. I don’t want to check your Instagram or Snapchats anymore. It took getting away from you for a month to be able to see how unfairly I was treated and how happy I could be without you.

Sucks to say it, but you were mean to me. You made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. I was always trying to please you, shape my every move to satisfy your needs. You didn’t let me be me, really. You were trying to shape me into who you wanted to date, yelling at me every time it didn't work. Of course there were good times- I laughed hard around you, and I love the silly voices we’d make or calling each other “bebeh.” But it’s as if it’s all gone now, it stands as a cloudy remnant of my history, and all I can see now is your hard face looking down at me. I don’t think about you all day anymore. 

I’m seeing someone new, and he’s kind and softer. I don’t have to teach him what not to say and why that is. He’s conscious. He wanted to add, “It's not so important what we do, than who we are.” He finds the stuff I do and say valuable- the same stuff that you told me was a waste of time because it didn’t do anything for you. I always feared embracing my simplicity because it’d bore you- and it was never my fault for not being who you wanted me to be. I’ve learned a lot about myself, including that I’m extremely positive and a ruthless fighter against my own tendencies. Not a lot around me is going well for others, and somehow I’ve become the center strength for them all even though I’m at a low point. 

I’ve decided to let you go entirely, until another day if you make the call that you want to talk. I’ll think about it then. I’m the same person and all, nothing’s changed, but I just don’t think, from what I learned from you in six years, that you’re the kind of person that can embrace another person’s life and needs and make it a part of your own. I wanted us to have a life together, but your vision was cluttered with your own contracts, and I was simply an interference in your process.

It’s unfortunate that I’m happy now, but I am- in new ways. It’s a more honest happiness. I’m just a really determined, sure-of-myself person, which has really come to surprise me as all I’ve been telling myself is that I can’t make a single decision about anything. But it’s true- I’m rational as hell, strong and clear headed.

I honestly don’t know what to say. Wonder what you’re thinking I guess. Maybe you have no regrets and are happy too.  I’m not holding on to anything- if you looked back you wouldn’t see anyone anymore. 

Love you loads,

Doing Life and not Living It

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. There’s a lot going on and at the same time not very much has changed. I came home for the Thanksgiving holiday, which has been really nice as the family time has been valuable and assuring. But it’s also been really stressful because I can barely find time for myself. I always have to tend to everyone’s needs even if they don’t ask for anything- I can’t really just “be”. I feel disengaged from myself.

I feel like I’m doing fine. I don’t feel sad in every moment, I feel focused and I’m proud of where I’m able to be given all the crap I’ve been through. I’m really active about this process- I step out of my comfort zones, I don’t give in to my first, anxious instincts. I try new things, and I’m meeting new people almost every day. But I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing, I just know it feels fine for the moment. 

Last night, the guy I’ve been talking to told me a pretty big secret. I didn’t know how to feel about it, but I’m generally pretty open and accepting so I told him the honesty was appreciated and I’m willing to listen. That’s his second red flag that’s making me want to back off, but for some reason I’m not. He also told me that he’s been into me- not just in these last few weeks we’ve been talking, but since high school when we met. I really like how he is, but I feel so much pressure to conform to his lifestyle. It’s almost a type of ideal, a very conscious way of living but I guess my resistance shows that I care a bit more for my own needs and comforts more than the world or other beings. I feel like I’m a person of moderation- in diet, in activities, in achievements and goals. I don’t know, it worries me. I don’t know if he cares about it as much as I do, but I feel the pressure building because I know that if it were Joe, he’d pass anger towards me if I didn’t participate in his lifestyle. I don’t know what to do about this guy, I’m into the idea of him but I don’t want to and I don’t think I can support him. He seems like he’s just starting to figure some things out, I’m not sure that he’s ready to date. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I also worry that I rely on him too much- I send him pictures of things I see in my day, and text him whenever I think of him. It makes me happy to share bits and pieces, I feel like someone cares about what I’m up to. He said he enjoys it, but I’m not sure if it’s good for me. I guess I’m intimidated by him, or maybe feeling like my lifestyle is flawed, which are not fair or good feelings to have right now.  

Last night I was laying in bed ready for sleep when Hasti said she wanted to go out with Lynn. We went. It was nuts, as most nights with Hasti are. We got home around 5am. Then I talked to the guy until 6am, fell asleep around 6:30am. When I woke up at 10:30, Dad said that Joe and Hanna were on their way over. I didn’t know what to think or do. The night before, Joe’d asked me about a convenient time to come drop off something for Mom, but I’d told him just to hand it to Hanna. Joe’s been really annoying about texting- he’ll text me, and after I text him back he won’t reply. I can’t help but wonder if it’s his way of maintaining power or keeping me on the edge of the seat. It’s fucked up, I wish he’d stop. 

Anyway, when they did come, I really didn’t handle it ideally. Hasti says it played out worse in my head than it actually did, but I’m worried that isn’t true. I was wearing a cropped turtleneck sweater with a pair of sweatpants, and last night’s makeup. Joe said that I looked different when he saw me. I didn’t really talk to him very much when he was there- I asked him about Jamie’s concert. His voice sounded really hoarse. I felt really uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to talk about, so I over-talked. It was just a really weird dynamic, Hanna and Joe sitting on one couch, and my Dad and I on another. Hasti came out later. I found myself mostly worried about Hanna, because I didn’t know how to relax enough to make her feel comfortable and show her that I’m relatively in control of my emotions and the situation. I texted her “Hey, I'm sorry about earlier, it was really hard for me. I'm trying to be genuine about how I feel 100% of the time but it was just really hard to know what to do and how to feel in that situation. I feel like you might've gotten a bad feeling/impression from me and how I'm handling things”, but she never replied, which has given me incredible anxiety. Was it really that bad? I wasn’t mean to anyone, I was just clearly stressed and uncomfortable… I wonder what’s going on, I feel like she’d normally just tell me, even if she felt like it wasn’t cool. It makes me so sad. I really, really hope she’ll talk to me and tell me if I’ve hurt her feelings. 

As soon as they left, I uncontrollably cried, and Dad initiated a group hug. All these emotions of embarrassment and realization of how tough it really was for me just crashed like a huge wave. I just kept repeating that “he’s so dumb”. Just being in Irvine has been tough- driving by Turtle Rock, Uni, or Harbor on the 405. The rest of the day just wasn’t normal at all. I was completely rocked, I couldn’t shake the sadness. I don’t know if part of it is all the time that I’m spending with Hasti. She’s really emotional and borderline irrational about her guy problems, and I wonder if she’s making me have similar thoughts. When I looked at Joe’s snapchats, I got kinda annoyed because he’s really cute lol. He’s like really figuring out his looks, getting into clothes and all that. He’s looking a bit more like a man. He’s so dumb though. Honestly! I’m not the kind of girl you risk putting back into the market. Literally every guy I’ve ever talked to is into me, even ones that said or seemed like they were over it. Every guy seems to be testing boundaries now. 

Still feel like I’m doing life and not living it at the moment. Don’t know how to really feel. Just taking it one day at a time, moment by moment really. 

Goodnight,

The Kinda Crap That Makes Me Mad

Dear Diary,

I just happened to come across this, and this is exactly the kind of stuff that makes me so mad. I don't like the type of blog post I did the other night, it makes me feel terribly. I have to do something to get me to keep going, but I feel so guilty when I'm that honest and in-the-moment. Most of the time in my life I don't say things that I don't mean permanently, or that I wouldn't stand by in the future.

I keep meeting all these guys at school and honestly they all bore me, and I just can't see it with them at all. They're just not the kind of people who'd understand me. I just feel like people are empty, like I come across guys who'd be dependable and happy, but I just don't feel anything. I know they don't listen to the same music I do, I know they won't understand my past. Just feeling emptiness in other people sucks.

I'm trying to move on for my own sake, but I can't help but wait. I just feel like if he'd look through some pictures or watch some videos that reminded him of how amazing we were, he'd understand. We were just in a rough patch. It's a confusing time for everyone... I just wish he didn't give up on us and stood by his words the way that I am.

I know I have to give it time- give me time- but it's like I'm walking on a treadmill. Everyone and everything is just passing me by, and I can see, but I'm not living.

I wonder how he's feeling tonight. I assume just fine- blocked out everything that reminds him of us, because it's distracting and better off that way. Maybe he feels nothing at all, now.

What will I do?

Homesick

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.

Better Off Sleeping Alone

Dear Diary,

And another journal entry begins. This one, just like the others, begins with a simple thought. Tonight’s thought? 

Maybe I’m better off sleeping on my own.

I guess I’ve been moving on, and there are some things I want you to know. I was so caught up in who I thought you were that I forgot how to love myself. And if you think that I was blind, know that I wasn’t. I know you yelled at me when I didn’t deserve it. I know you made me self conscious and tried to change who I was, and all the words I spoke and feelings I dared to expose. You tried to keep me quiet and compliant. The only reason you think I’m blind is because you never heard me yell like you. It was hard to see what was going on. 

And if you think that I’m average in any aspect, I’m glad you left me so I can find someone who sees who I truly am. You made me feel small, and I was a fool to let you break down my walls. If you’re the kind of person who sees unconditional love and takes advantage of it, and finds reason to fight it- then it’s all on you and not me. I haven’t been average in any part of my history, and it was never my responsibility to help you see that. 

It’s better to sleep alone than falling asleep with someone who chose blindness, chose to forget and chose to leave. Someone who gets bored and weak when presented with challenges. It’s my fault for believing what you told me when you told me, and that I trusted your words to last. People change, and while I never thought it would happen- you changed. 

It’s better that I find someone who won’t mistreat me and bring me guilt about it. I’m better off without your uncommitted, confused, immature love. You’re at your weak point now, and I chose to support you, but truth be known- I’m sorry- you can’t make the calls when you’re on that end of the spectrum. You’re just a [CONTENT REMOVED] guy scared of someone real. 

I figure it must’ve been confusing to hit the jackpot on your first time trying the lottery. 

Until you learn to appreciate who I am and all that the other girls could never be, I’m not giving you my time. I guess it makes sense when you realize I didn't have much to lose except my own beliefs.

Love,

Honestly Pretty Blank

Dear Diary,

Today’s been really weird. I don’t know how I’m feeling- it’s almost like I’m feeling so many things on a very small level that it feels like nothing at all. I’ve now been able to come to terms with the fact that Joe’s dating other girls. It was hard to do- not because I didn’t want him to, but just because it really made the whole thing feel so real. I’m not feeling super strong emotions anymore, I mostly just feel kind of hurt and sad that it’s over. I’m also feeling pretty detached from the relationship, which I guess is kind of new. I’m just feeling like Joe was a guy that used to be in my life and the relationship was something that used to exist and I used to invest a lot of time into. Sometimes it feels like it’s sort of a dream, or that I’m back to last year when I used to live on my own. 

I’m really glad that Brittney came over for the weekend, it was really fun. She’s a really good friend and I’m glad I met her and that she’s a part of my life. When people come out to visit me, I really appreciate it because I know it’s a hard thing to do. All of my friends have jobs and responsibilities, and it can be expensive visiting. It’s a big deal that they want to do that. 

Something that Brittney and I talked about was my expectations for what will happen during this break. It was mostly leading into whether or not Joe and I were going to hook up with other people and just be “young and dumb” for a while. It was weird because I hadn’t really thought much of it, because Joe said early on that “this is not about sex at all. Like Jamie is like super excited, telling me I can get with all these girls now- but he doesn’t get it- that’s not what this is about, that’s not who I am.” I guess I sort of just left the thought there. It made me realize a couple of things discussing it though. What we do during this “break” is really important because it’s a reflection of character. For me, I’ve never been interested in hooking up with a load of guys because I feel like I wouldn’t enjoy it. It’d be really fun to see how different guys are in bed, but I just feel like I’d come away from it feeling like I gave up something really special to some random worthless guy. I feel like my sexuality is like this rare gift I have, this secret that I can keep from the world- it’s fun, it’s special, it’s exciting… I don’t want to share it. I guess I’m just not that curious about it- I’d much rather dance, tease, flirt, or just make out. Cuz that’s fun for me. I don’t have anything to prove to myself or the world about my sexuality, and I think sex is just something that’s really special and fun when you’re with the right person. Which got me thinking, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t see sex in that way- in other words- someone who is into hookup culture. I guess you could say it’s one of my relationship values. I've never been into that culture anyway, not before Joe and not now. It's just not who I am. Like it’s kind of gross to think about being with a guy who’s been with more than a couple of girls, who like thinks of sex so loosely. Besides, STIs are way more prominent than they’re given credit and I'm not messing with that gross shit. 

So I guess in a sense when Brittney asked me about it in regards to Joe I told her that while I don’t think he’s the type of person who would do that, and it wouldn’t align with what he told me, but if he did- that’d really be a reflection of his character if that’s what he ended up doing. Like that’s what kind of person Jamie is- and I wouldn’t date him in a million years (for this reason and way more). And I feel like I know Joe well in the sense that he’s intimate and a person who sticks to his word and goals. So if he ended up hooking up with girls just for the experience it’d show me that he just isn’t who I thought he was. He’d just be like the other guys. Would just make me respect him less I guess. 

We met a lot of guys in Santa Monica. It was fun, but I didn’t give out my number to anyone. Nobody was decent enough haha. I don’t feel ready to seriously date like Joe is, it just doesn’t really sound like fun right now. Brittney straightened my hair, which made me feel less like myself. I always feel really calm and not flirty when my hair is straight. When we straightened it we noticed that it’s super long though! I noticed that a lot of guys noticed me, and would flirt with me from a distance- like with a smile, kind of weighing their opportunity. I found that a lot of them won’t approach me after this, and if I talk to them they get either kind of shy or they get overly cocky and try to act cool. I don’t really know what that means- it sucked- I was hoping the guys would be a little more courageous and just approach me. On Friday, I took my ring off. On Saturday, I replaced the picture on the wall, and did a couple more bits and pieces around the house. I want to take my necklace off but I’m too used to having something around my neck to play with all the time. I don’t really see Joe in the necklace as much as I thought I would. 

I still feel like I really care about him and that he’s a nice guy overall. But maybe as a result of me trying to reach emotional stability I’ve been able to bring it down to a neutral. Like when I first moved to UCLA, I remember he felt like I wasn’t cuddling him as much anymore when we’d see each other. I was kind of cold. We realized that it was a mechanism to help me feel better as I’m away- it was hard to get reattached and then have to go away for a whole week and readjust to the distance and how much I missed him. He annoys me a little now, because I can see a lot of immaturity. At night, I find myself wondering if he’s thinking of me. I also find myself hoping that he is. 

Last night, I had a positive dream about him. It reminded me of how warm he was with me when he was happy, and how I loved going anywhere with him (like coming into a party together, or going to a family gathering). It was always fun doing stuff together and being a pair exploring a space. We were a cool duo. 

I had this huge talk with Jacob for about two and a half hours about how he has to try more to get what he wants in life, and how nobody is going to bring changes or tell him to do anything- that it has to come from himself. I don’t know how I find the patience to do this for people, it’s really frustrating because he acts like this negative stubborn wall, telling me reasons why what I’m saying isn’t feasible. I don’t know why I care to help, it’s like if you don’t want to help yourself then why am I trying? But he always turns around after a while and gets more positive and less annoying, and that feels better. I couldn’t date Jacob though, he’s so obnoxious and stuck in his ways. It’s not really his fault that he turned out that way though, he got beaten up pretty badly by life. But I told him- just keep steering! 

I know I’ve been losing a lot of weight. I don’t know how much. My pants are about two inches too big, so my high waisted jeans don’t fit right anymore. I still don’t eat normally, but I eat enough. I haven’t gotten a panic attack in a while either, but sometimes I get really sad and a bit insecure about why Joe didn’t want me. I feel like if he’d come back now, I’d have a lot of questions, and a lot of things to sort out. I don’t feel like I trust him the same way I used to, even though I feel like I love who he is as a human. I don’t think much will change with him- I know he feels like he’s this different, pure version of himself- but I honestly don’t think it’s anything new. He’s just doing more of what he already knew was true about himself. 

I’m nervous about Thanksgiving because I know it’s gonna suck having to tell everyone why Joe isn’t there. I just really hope I can keep it together and not have to explain anything. It also just makes me sad because I love the holidays and it was always so fun when Joe and I would sit together at these parties and talk about what was going on and look at funny Instagram videos when we would get bored. And when we’d dance and Joe would do his very best attempt at Persian dancing, but he just gets really close to me and he gets really hot lol. He’s pretty funny when he’s drunk, too. 

I’m kind of scared about the fact that I can write about that stuff and it’s not upsetting me as much. I know I still think we’re the most special couple on the planet, but I just feel almost like an observer of the relationship rather than a part of it right now. Yeah, that actually describes my feelings pretty well. 

Secret- sometimes I imagine his voice singing me a song as I’m doing some random task. It’s really nice, I miss it. I love how he used to sing randomly. He took it very seriously when he did, too- not to be interrupted. :) 

Feeling Different

Dear Diary,

Ever since what happened on Wednesday night I’m kind of in a different place. It’s not that I’ve moved on or that I don’t care anymore- it’s just that I’m sort of realizing that no matter what happens- like if he decides to come back or not- there’s no effect/change on my life. I still have the same plan as I did before. If I meet someone along the way, then awesome- I’m an open door. I’m just gonna keep to my plan and see what happens. If he comes back, then I’ll decide what to do that day.

[CONTENT REMOVED] 

The parts above are obviously not going on the blog I created. This is between me and you, Lele! You are awesome! You are beautiful! I love you! Go dance to Justin Bieber songs and wear that gorgeous new lipstick! Enjoy those ridiculous curves and the things you do with those hips! You are a ball of happy, unique, completely contagious love! I love you!

Justin Bieber & Ed Sheeran - Love Yourself

Hm. That was the first time I’ve ever said I love you to myself. Cool. Really cool.

Quick edit: just noticed "I love you" showed up twice lol. 

It Wasn't As It Seemed

Dear Diary,

I had to call him. I couldn't let him read the letter, he just wouldn't be ready for it and I would've set him back a lot. I panicked.

I told him about the letter in his backpack and I told him that he shouldn't read it. I told him how he was acting dishonestly tonight, and that it made me feel so terrible because I care a lot and I'm in a different phase. It just seemed so easy to him and it made me feel badly. I was so relieved when he explained that of course it's difficult for him- like the drive over is incredibly hard because he has all that time to reflect to himself, stepping into our apartment is hard, and even having conversations with me is hard. Because it "sets him back", and keeps him from achieving his goal.

I know it was hard for him to say these things because that's what he wanted to keep away, but god it feels so much better knowing it wasn't how he was making it look. I told him I just wasn't ready for his defense mechanisms- what that would look like. I didn't intend to have an emotional, long talk, I wanted him to quickly get his stuff. But I just wasn't expecting this flawless wall, it was hurtful.

I had to ask him about the regrets- and he mentioned how he would get mad at me and yell at me when I hadn't done anything to deserve it. Just his general attitude and choices of emotions, how he handled everything. I was so fucking relieved when he explained that that's what it was. I was so afraid of it being anything else.

He reminded me that he does care, and that he wants me to be happy. But he has to focus and be strong in order to figure this stuff out. He was trying to keep a relaxed, friendly mood but it backfired because it looked like he just didn't care at all. He said that if we ever get back together we'd have to sort of start new, discover new feelings, because everything will be different then. I told him I'm happy that things are going so well for him, and that he's finding and embracing his "pure self", but some aspect of it all just felt so dishonest like there was absolutely nothing there.

He said he thinks we should just hang out more, with no strings attached, to get used to this more. It's confusing, and he said it's hard to know how to act or what to say. He just wanted to make it as painless as possible, but in doing that he caused so much pain.

He said that he knows I probably spent a lot of time on the letter, and that I probably had a lot of important things to say, and that he will keep it somewhere safe and when I feel like he should read it, I should tell him. I don't know what that day will look like, but it sure as hell wasn't tonight.

He mentioned one thing which I am so glad that he realizes. He said that because he's the one who made the call, he's the one in control. It feels better when you're on that side of the equation- when you've made the decision. This is something that I talked to Hanna about a long time ago. It's always easier when you're the one who has to break the news, because you sort of get this feeling of power. I'm so glad Joe understood this, and understood that because of this we're in different phases, on different pages. I told him I'm fine with him being on a different page but it just came out of nowhere comparing the last time we spoke to now, I wasn't ready.

I'm really confused honestly... What am I doing? Why did I write him that letter? Why do I care about any of this? I wish I could just pretend to be okay and happy. I haven't eaten a single thing today. I feel so much better knowing that it's not what he wanted it to seem like. It's not. He still cares. It's hard for him. He's just trying to commit to this new idea. The whole interaction felt like it was super-sped. Like a tape playing in my head over and over three times quicker than normal speed. And all I saw was my heart broken.

I know I make it hard for him, I know I set him back. But it feels good to be reminded that it's real. I feel so bad for reminding him of the pain of it all, but I couldn't believe that it was true the way he was presenting it. There's just no way that that's what we'd become.

Fuck that was crazy.

He’s in a Different World: Happiness

Dear Diary,

He’s in a completely different world. He’s not phased at all, he’s completely happy. He’s got loads of girls to talk to and boost his confidence. It’s almost as if he had nothing to lose. 

The time before he came over I spent writing the most honest letter I’ve written so far. I put it between some papers into his binder, hoping he’d find it in a couple of weeks. I kind of regret writing the letter now, because he won’t understand any of it. I’m just a fool. He just seemed incredibly high- like he’s just the happiest he’s ever been. No sign of pain, no sign of hesitation or regret… He talked about how he’s been having a lot of regrets about the relationship- I don’t know what that means. He said he had a lot of regrets about the decisions he made. I don’t know what that means. He said that if we were ever to have another relationship, it would be completely different. I agree.

I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. He still called me babe and he kissed me on my head before he left. He hugged me numerous times. I’m so confused. It was as if there was just nothing there- except a wall. He talked about everything as if it’d already passed. He handed me his new phone to look at and some girl named Erica had texted him. I’m assuming there are multiple girls he’s texting. It makes me feel really sad. I'm jealous but I also feel like it's so real now. He moved on so fast...

I hope he meets loads of girls, but then has the thought of “But my girl looks like this. My girl talks like this. My girl gets excited about x y and z, and cries at the thought of a b and c.” He said he’s really happy. How the hell is it so easy for him? Did this not mean anything to him after all? Why am I having a completely different experience? 

I feel so fucking dumb.

Crisis Hotline

Dear Diary,

Yesterday around 11pm I called the UCLA Crisis Hotline. Not because I’m suicidal- I’m not- but because I’m just feeling overwhelmed and like I can’t cope. I have guilt about not finding motivation to do work, and guilt about feeling angry, etc. I couldn’t sleep again last  night, I woke up sometime around 5am and kept waking up every hour. I hate dreaming of him because it’s confusing and it makes me feel so bad, even if I feel fine when I go to sleep. 

The difference between now and before is that before, I just listened to music. I listed to the beat and the sounds and just enjoyed it for that. Especially if it was a song Joe would normally sing- I’d just be happy listening to a song. But now, it’s as if every song applies to me, and I can’t help but feel like every lyric applies to me. All the songs that normally bounce through my head, “our” songs, they just mean different things to me now and they’re upsetting. Little things just bother me now.

The anxiety got bad when I was scrolling through Instagram and I realized that Brittney and Caleb were at a hockey game with Joe. It kind of sucked, because that’s a cool bonding experience with friends and I wish I could be there, and it’s unfair that I can’t be. It sucked because I care about them too and I feel like I can’t bond with them anymore, and I just kept picturing Joe there and how much I wanted to sit next to him and yell at the stage and dance around or whatever. We’d have fun together. That’s the whole thing, is that I feel like I’m wasting all this time being sad when at any given moment we could be happy together.

It’s all really hard, and I don’t know if what I need is therapy, just to get me to a stable point where I can start working again and doing things that keep me distracted. Yesterday, it felt like the first night. I couldn’t eat again, I felt sick, I couldn’t get myself to sit through any distractions (Netflix, Youtube, etc.). 

He texted me yesterday telling me that he got a new iPhone, and I said congrats but he never replied. I don’t know why he’d do that, like what his point is. He probably didn’t have one, he just wanted me to know that he can text freely again because his battery won’t die. I wish he’d just tell me if he was struggling the way I was- just so I feel less crazy for being so inhibited right now. I wish I knew that it was hard for him still. Because selfishly, it would just make me feel like I was something worthwhile, that I’m difficult to lose and be without. 

I’m just feeling really down- like a sad, incomplete version of myself. I don’t feel confused about who I am or how to be happy, I just feel like I’m suffering a really big loss. I was the happiest in my life when I was with him, and the saddest without him. I keep telling myself to keep believing that there’s something there, but feeling insecure about my worth now just makes me think that even though I believe it, he just might not. And it’s a scary thought that I may be in love with someone who doesn’t want me back. 

A lot of the time I just don’t know what to do with my body- it’s here, it’s alive, it’s breathing- but it’s in the most dysfunctional stage. It just wants and needs all these things but there’s just nothing I can give it right now to satisfy it. My brain is panicking all the time and I have to tend to it by trying to distract it but then it acts like a child and won’t watch stuff to relax. My heart is hurting but when I write it just gets worse. My legs keep telling me they want to run, get out and walk places, but if I try they just shake and feel weak. 

I guess the reason I never acted on my gut feelings is because I could somehow anticipate the pain it would bring, and living a half life with him would honestly be better than feeling this way. I know someday it’ll get better, but it just feels like I’m stuck forever, mainly because I’m beginning to doubt if he has feelings about me. 

What if he does feel what I am feeling, at all, though. He would probably just avoid it and see it as a blinding distraction. That’s the impression I get, that he thinks feelings are distracting.

I so honestly hope he comes back and proves me all wrong.

Hitting my Lowest Point

Dear Diary,

Today is the first day where I really don’t feel okay. I really don’t feel okay at all. Last night I woke up three times, and after the second time, I had a dream about him. It’s so hard- all of this is so hard. I don’t know how he’s doing okay. 

I didn’t want to go to class this morning but I had to. I didn’t go to yoga because I just can’t move. The whole day I had so many moments of weakness, I randomly wanted to cry as soon as I was left alone with my thoughts for a moment. As soon as I reached the apartment gate, I felt a lot of heat go to my head and I knew it was coming on again. I just wanted him to be there when I opened the door. So. Bad. I wanted him to be there so bad. How can he be fine, how can he not feel the way I do. I’m feeling so broken today.

As soon as I opened my front door, my eyes shot towards my bed. He wasn’t there- of course he’s not- and I couldn’t help but cry for once in a long while. I don’t know why today is so hard. I just feel so sad. I feel so sad without my best friend. I want to laugh with him, and hang out with him. I want to be held and told that I’m special and that he’s scared of losing me the way that I’m scared of losing him. Not as a friend. 

I just feel like I had all these goals for us, and all these plans, and they just seem like something we’re not gonna be able to live through. Yesterday at the dorm I had to show someone a picture, and I called him my ex boyfriend, and it was so… SO painful! And I just regretted the moment those words came out of my mouth because I believed in us, and I wanted us to work so bad. And I’m so sad that our relationship has come to an end right now. And I’m trying to be hopeful, but it’s so hard to be so strong when I feel really broken and without my honest-to-GOD best friend. He made me laugh and I felt happy. I don’t feel happy right now. I haven’t felt unhappy like this since before I met him. I know he deserves this and I know that he needs to do this, but it’s so hard. 

Hanna needed a hug yesterday and I held her, I held for I don’t know… Maybe 5-7 minutes. And I knew that Hanna felt amazing afterwards, she felt loved and she felt cared for. And I just really want to give that to Joe. And honestly I just want that too. For myself. I just want to know that he’s scared of losing me, that I’m anything special, that he’s nervous and that he’s missing me. That thinking about Christmas breaks his heart too. 

I thought about how the last two years I was the one who decorated his dad’s christmas tree, and how I really wanted to do it this year. Because it made them happy and it made me happy and it felt good to be someone who brings happiness to their family and that maybe they thought I was special for thinking ahead and doing that. I’m feeling so replaceable? Like why isn’t he scared…

It just feels like he actually might not come back. He just might not. And it’s scary to think about how I have to deal with that. Because I feel like he knows my true self, and the best of me really, and if that’s not good enough to make him stay then who else would love me after they saw all of me? 

I just want to DO stuff with him. I have energy and laughter that is just stuck in this bubble of unhappiness that I’m just protecting by sitting in this apartment and not sleeping, and working on stuff, and not eating well, and not being happy with myself. I just feel so sad that we can’t be together today. And I feel terrified that he might not come back to me because he just doesn’t think we’re special after all. 

I just want to be that person that he chooses, that he says is a ONE AND ONLY. It’s someone who can’t be replicated, it’s someone who understands him and makes everything so much better. It makes everything worthwhile. I just keep feeling like maybe there was something I could’ve done to make him think I was not worth risking losing. And maybe that’s what all this is- is that I’ve moved from being confident and hopeful, to feeling inadequate and really hurt that I was rejected, and I was sacrificed, and risked- I wasn’t a treasure and a diamond in the rough. I didn’t need to be protected from others, I didn’t mean what I thought I might. To him anyway… And given that he mattered so much to me and that I could see so much with him, it just hurts that he said no to me. 

I don’t feel worthy of love right now. And I feel really scared to love anyone right now. I just feel like maybe I should accept that I’m just a flawed, lazy, boring person that has nothing special to offer. I have love, but it will get taken for granted. I have patience, but people don’t care for it. People don’t mind hurting me because I let them feel confident, I make them feel so loved, that they walk all over me without guilt or pain because I tell them that it’s okay- I’ll still love them all the same. And I do. And it hurts me. And I don’t get anything that I want from my relationships by doing this. I present myself as an exchangeable commodity that can be played with and she’ll still trust you, and devote herself to you, and give herself endlessly as long as you make it seem that maybe she’ll get something in return someday. And she believes in you, and people, and she believes that people are good and they mean well. That they don’t text or call when they make plans and don’t show up because there’s something more worthwhile than my friendship that I need to respect and be able to notice. I’ve trained myself to forgive people all the time- for anything they do, and to trust that people are good and they mean well, and they don’t want to hurt, even though they do, and I deserve better. 

I probably deserve better than Joe. But the fact that Joe didn’t pick me, makes me feel that I don’t deserve better. That I’ve reached a maximum point of what I deserve, and it’s less than what I was given. Because there was something about me that wasn’t worthwhile.

I hate feeling this way. I hate it because it’s so weak. And every word that I’m typing I’m saying out loud as tears are just absolutely streaming down my face, and they sound insane because these are the things that I worked for years to rid myself of. They took so much work. And here I am, my worst enemy, telling myself that I’m not WORTH IT. How did we get like this? I just want this to be over so, badly. I’m so hurt and I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to work I don't want to distract myself. I don’t want to pretend to be strong when I feel scared and insecure. God, like what will it mean if he doesn’t come back. What will it mean about everything that I believed in, and everything that I wished for in the future. Does that mean I’m irrational? That I feel things that maybe are out of place? That are not REAL?

Because how can I be feeling so broken and he’s not? I don’t know that he’s not but I just can’t imagine why he hasn’t broken down and called me, and why he’s not here right now. I can’t imagine someone feeling this way and not running back. I guess that how I feel like I know he’s not feeling the way I am. Because I would literally start walking right now if I knew that it meant he’d take me back. I am so, weak, that I am tortured to CALL him and tell him I just can’t do it anymore in hopes that he’d say he can’t either. 

I don’t feel love. I don't feel love anymore. I just feel nothing but pain, and distrust. I feel sad and I feel broken. Just broken. And it feels like the only thing that can fix it is him telling me that I’m worthwhile and he can’t do it without me. Not anyone else. Just me. 

I want to put these writings on a blog called “These are the not so great days” to answer to his “For those not so great days”. I want him to see it someday, and maybe he’ll feel something from it. But I’m too scared of being that vulnerable as if I haven’t made it clear to him that I’m so willing to make myself look like shit so that he can feel good and safe, and trust in me. He’s so lucky that I’m willing to go so damn low, and that it’s not even a conscious controllable situation. Fucking wish I didn’t feel this way. Wish I could just tell him to fuck off. But I can’t. Because I love him and this sucks. But I love him and I guess this is what stupid love does to stupid people who trust in it and create this fucking world their head of how special  it is and how it’ll last, and you have trust, and you have to give and give and give. So FUCK. This. FUCKING. Sucks.

I’m so tired of feeling inadequate, and it’s my first real day of it. So I can tell this is gonna be great. And I’m just gonna wait and love infinitely like I always do, so that I can prove yet again to myself that I am an expendable person that people can use whenever they need, and I’ll never stop letting people do it because I love dangerously well.

Reading and Delaying the Call

Dear Diary,

I just finished reading a few chapters from a book for my Social Psychology class, called “Social: Why Our Brains are Wired to Connect”. It’s really annoying because both the last book and this book have been uncomfortable for me to read given my current situation. Here are some things that I learned:

• Social pain (like a break up, losing someone you love, death, rejection, etc.) is very much parallel to real physical pain, in terms of what our brains do and feel, and in what parts of our brain get activated. So there’s a good reason why our language is structured so that we describe loss like “My heart is broken”, it seems like physical pain. So this made me feel a little better because it legitimized internal pain. 
• Having a bad negative social network is as bad as smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. This made me just want to get a new group of friends. 
• It talked about how we’re actually not as selfish as we think we are, and that there are evolutionary reasons why we feel loss and why we tend to do nice things for other people at our own expense (and it’s not for future rewards, to look good, because of guilt / image, or other circumstantial reasons), and how we assume that the world is actually more selfish than it tends to be. So basically, humans are good in nature naturally but there are strategic reasons why we sort of have to be in a society. 

Jackie never showed up yesterday. The whole thing was really weird and I’m kind of hurt about it. For some reason I feel like we have this weird awkward occurrences often, but I can’t explain exactly what it is. At like 9:40, she texted me saying that work had been crazy and she was stuck. I texted her back letting her know it’s okay if she’s really tired and wants to reschedule, and after she never replied- I asked her to call me. No response. By 11:30, I just told her I’m going to sleep. I just keep shaking my head, like how hard is it to call someone for 2 minutes and just let them know “Hey, I’m being held at work I’ll call you back.” or just “Hey, I don’t think tonight will work.” But she just completely disappeared, and still hasn’t replied. I think it’s bad friendship honestly… It was also particularly hard because I’m just sensitive in general right now so the first thing I do is I blame myself. 

I really want to call Mr. Popovits today, but I’m really nervous. I’m nervous if he’ll want to talk to me, if it’s a bad time, if he’ll be understanding of what I have to say, or if he’s going to be around Joe when I do. I’m gonna write a list of talking points just to keep me focused and calm before I talk to him.

I have constantly intruding thoughts about how I feel about Joe, but today I can’t make them come out in a sentence. There’s just feelings there, just the words. I’ve tried writing this sentence about four times, but there’s just not that much to say. I guess I don’t really feel okay, and I wonder if he’s feeling fine- because I don’t know how he could. I wonder if he thinks about me as often as I think about him, and if he has moments when he wants to come back. I’m starting to have some thoughts about how I’ll feel if we’re together- and it’s a little bit of distrust, a little bit of a pull back from me. I guess I’m back to being a little scared to love him or anyone, because I get really attached and I give my everything into a relationship every time. I worry that he’s sitting there, somewhere, just feeling like I’m obsessed with him, like he’s this perfect human who has a follower, and I’d get so mad if that’s what he thought. He’d be so dumb to think that that’s what this all is. 

I want to get dressed now and walk to a Petco that’s supposedly a 20 minute walk away. I’m nervous about that because I feel weird and dumb just walking places for small objectives, but I feel like I just need to get out and do stuff. I want to buy Captain Crunch a silk plant so he can hide and rest on it. Maybe some actual beta fish food. I’ve really wanted to work out more lately, like pick up running or go biking. That hasn’t really happened to me in a while, and I’m not sure what the real reason for it is- but I have this really annoying voice and energy that wont go away. It’s hard to do on my own, though, I wish I had a friend to do it with- someone who was at my level though. 

It’s a slow recovery. It just feels like it’s going to go on forever… I’m trying to focus on school / work / research stuff to make the time go by faster. I’m just not enjoying stuff though.

Talk with my Mom

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I was supposed to go out with Hanna for a pillow-making event at night. I wanted to go to it so that I could meet some new people. I showered, got ready, and texted Hanna. She called and said that instead of coming over she’s going to pick me up in her friend’s car and we’re going to BevMo. I was totally doing anything, really, so I said yeah! So we adventured to Santa Monica, picked up a lot of things, and then went back to the dorm. Hanna and I made two pillows- a frog and a lion. 

Afterwards we went back to Kevin and Alex’s room where there were a lot of people, just drinking and singing. There’s this guy named Joe that totally gives me the creeps- he looks just like Sterling except skinnier and wimpier. I find him staring at me a lot, so I just try not to make eye contact at all haha. Also Hanna told me that he’s kind of weird, and made a weird comment about her boobs the first time they met, so I think something’s not quite right with him. Dunno. It was cool, I fell asleep around 2:30am in Hanna’s bed, and she came soon after. Hanna’s friend Joanna got sick, especially in the morning, which was sad… 

When I came back to the apartment, I lay down for a little while. I was going to write a diary entry when my mom called me and asked me if I was home- and that’s when I found out she was outside. I got kind of upset then because I was surprised and it was hard to see her since the break up. I’ve felt really safe not facing the family directly, I think maybe because I associate Joe with the family.. I’m not sure. So after we parked her car and she brought in some food she’d made, we sat down to talk about it all. It was so hard! Because I feel like I had to phrase things a certain way for my mom to understand, and I felt defensive about my case. Here were some of the main points we talked about that I liked:

• After writing the list of stuff that I like about Joe and stuff I don’t, I realized that the things that I don’t like about him don’t affect whether or not I want to support or love him, and that’s the difference between where we’re at and divorced / completely broken up couples. It’s that they’ve found a flaw in character or behavior, whatever it is, that they are no longer willing to accommodate or see through. So even though I don't want those characteristics to exist in a potential new boyfriend, and they suck, they’re not intolerable on Joe because the positives outweigh the negatives and given that all humans are going to have flaws- I accept these as his. He doesn’t have any flaws that cross my zero-tolerance / red flag list. 
• I asked her about if she understood what I meant about how there are several people in the world who one can be compatible with, but there’s an emotional bond that is unique to the relationship which is superior. I asked her about her own relationship, and if she’d be willing to support Dad if he found a need to answer some questions and search for his happiness, and she said she would too
• Side note: currently listening to Paraphernalia by Pierce the Veil
• I also learned that I don’t have to convince Joe that I’m special and unique, he knows that and he just needs to find the strength in himself to rediscover that and find the feelings he has about the relationship. I look forward to the day he feels neutrality and reflects about us, because I think he will find that it was complete, fulfilling, embodying love, fun, challenges, and adventures. I think he’ll think about the negative pieces, like how we argued or how there’s an imbalance in physical activity, but he’ll also remember how I’m so willing to try new things and that we’re both really stubborn, but at least we never lost control and we’re always open to trying to fix our methods. We’re open and honest, and this breakup is a testament to how kind we can be to each other during really hard times. I think the evidence speaks for itself- our foundation for taking this risk was solid.
• I also realized that the easy path to reacting to this breakup for me would have been to completely remove him and move on, because not reflecting, and simply rejecting him means that I had little to lose. But in the fact that I’m choosing the difficult path- meaning that by staying loyal and thus vulnerable to more pain, showing my strength towards us, it says a lot about how much belief this relationship has built, and how special that must be that I don’t want to give up on it. 
• I know I’ve said this before, but it’s incredibly important to realize that while I look like a blind teenager who can’t see past her love, I’m ultimately making these decisions for my own benefit. In waiting, I get what I want. I’m going to live a happier life if this process functions, in a happier relationship, and receiving as much support as I give.
• Side note: currently playing: Kellin Quinn’s cover of “Iris”
• My mom immediately started going into a scenario, like what if he never comes back. But I reminded her, and myself, that while anything is possible, I can’t live my life off of every speculation. Today, I feel strong about this relationship and I believe in it and him. Tomorrow, I may not. If so, I’ll decide how to handle it then. But today I believe and the situation is as it is, and so that is the stance I choose to take. She agreed this is the most reasonable and the only way I can find control in this unpredictable situation.
• I asked her if Joe had called, and she said no. She said that Dad has really wanted to call him, just to tell him that it’s all okay, and that they don’t hate him for any of this. That they understand and support him. I cried thinking about how much that would mean to Joe, because I know he told me he feels guilty and sad about the family. I told her how I’d explained how Dad got upset when he heard the news, and how I suggested to maybe give him some time until he cools down. I do hope he calls soon, I think they will all find it comforting. Mom called Joe forever-family again, it was really sweet to know that she’s missing him too. 
• Sleeping with Sirens’s “If you Can’t Hang”
• Some of the harder moments are when my instinct is to call Joe and it’s not appropriate. Like after Mom and I talked, we went to a nearby mall and bought some clothes. I wanted to call him and tell him that I had bought new stuff and it was exciting that my mom surprised me. It’s my first thought: feel happiness, tell Joe. The same thing happens if I feel sad, even if it’s about him. Feel sadness, tell Joe. I guess that’s just a best friend thing. The inhibiting thoughts that result from the instinct are really hard to deal with, like “No, Hale. Remember what happened. Give him time. Some day soon you can do that again.” And it just results in this big sigh of fuck, I miss him, this sucks. I usually just take a deep breath, and I think, “trust the process.” 
• Thinking about how much better it’s going to be if this works and we come back together really makes me happy and motivates me to keep believing. I can picture him, strong and sure of himself- loving me truthfully and without fear. I like to think of all the things I want to do with him if we’re back together.
• I wish we could hang out in a week or two so he could see how funny I am and how much fun, exciting energy I bring into the room lol. I just want to make him laugh with me again, just to make sure he doesn’t forget I can… 
• I love this guy, but I don’t idolize him. He’s flawed, but I like his flaws. There are better looking dudes out there, but I like his face. There are less needy guys out there, but I like it when he whines and bugs. There are guys who are more patient, but I think his impatience is frustratingly adorable. There exists men who can hold me tight and kiss me romantically, but his arms are extra long and warm, his hugs are really weird and spooning with him is just hilarious because we’re like puzzle pieces that don’t look like they will fit, but they do for some unexplainable reason.
• I wasn’t lying about anything I told him, like when I said he means the world to me.
• Last song - 5SOS - Amnesia (this one is so hard right now!!!!!!!)

Jackie is meant to come over tonight. She said she gets off work at 5pm, but it’s 8:20pm now and she hasn’t replied to my texts. I hope she’s alright… I don’t think she’s shoving me off without notice, she’s way too responsible. My mom thinks she’s stuck in traffic. 

Feeling hopeful!

If We Met Again

Dear Diary,

I’m currently writing my essay which is due at three o’clock, but I had an idea that I had to write down. I’m reaching a point of impatience right now given that it’s been a week since the phone call, and I wish that this process was already complete- that the distance would make some things click for him. Knowing Joe, if he’s having strong feelings at this point he’s probably thinking that’s something he needs to work through- that it’s something to hinder him and keeping him from making a clear decision. He would probably think that he needs to reach the point where he feels neutral in order to reflect upon the relationship critically. Not realizing that the intense emotions themselves are a sign and a lesson to be accounted for. Anyway, here was a thought I had. If Joe met me at his school, or at the beach when he surfs, or maybe at a party- he’d really like me. If it were the first time we’d met again, and we dated all from new, he’d really like me. He’d think I was sweet, funny, interesting, and I’d make him feel comfortable. We’d have a lot to talk about, and after we’d exchange numbers we’d become like best friends again- he’d take me snorkeling, we’d listen to music together, we’d eat ramen and play video games until it’s really late. He’d think I was so cute and find it really nice how much I made him smile.

Okay, back to writing the essay about the three main characteristics of the contemporary U.S. gender system. So much fun.

Love,

Anger

Dear Diary,

I chuckle at myself because as a psychology student I should’ve figured I’d go through all of the stages of grief like they say people do. I’m at the point of sadness today where I’m more angry than sad. I’m mad this is all happening- it’s fucked up that he gave up on us. We were seriously really good together and he had something amazing that he just chose to let go. 

When I’m coming home after school I find myself looking at the street next to the apartment to see if his car is there. I hope that maybe when I come home he’ll be waiting on the bedside, just looking at me with tearful eyes telling me he knows, he’s sorry, this is what he wants and it doesn’t need to take months to understand that. I think about that moment when I turn off all the lights and lock the door, that maybe he’ll show up then. I wish and I wish for this moment to arrive for him to just remember everything he created and taught me. 

Listening to our music really did that to me. I keep replaying the songs in my head and I remember how I felt when I first heard them, and how I’d feel looking at him while I listened to them. It makes me remember how we saw everything- it was us and then the world. We were the ones who listened to these songs, we were the ones who understood them, we were the ones who found each other and built something those songs were singing about. 

I saw this quote today on Tumblr, and it really made me think about how the reason that I’m getting so upset about this whole thing and the reason I feel so damn passionately about it is because there’s a receptor for our love in my body. And it’s not responding.

If you love beauty, it’s because beauty lives within you. If you love art, it’s because you are creative. If it wakes up your heart, a receptor for it already exists within you. Your soul is drawn to the things that will help you unfold your most glorious expression. Give in.

So when I get mad about all this it’s because it’s fucked up, it’s this feeling that’s supposed to be there and it’s not getting any signals back. Honestly, this was a challenge period of a low time- limited space, money, time, everything- and Joe totally bailed out and got scared. He is scared of commitment- I know he said he feels ready to marry but I just don’t think that’s true. It all got a bit too real. When he told me that he feels like he never got that move-out period like I did to do his own thing, the reality of the matter is that I asked him about that way before we talked about moving out together. I said are you sure, because this is the first time you’re away from home. I’ll understand, I said. I really want you to move in with me because it’d be fun and nice, but I understand if you want to take the same path I did. He said no then. Just like he said no after a few days when we went on the break in year two or three when I told him he should see more people. What the hell!

Like screw him for not believing in us. Screw him for building me up, conditioning me to give him more and receive less and less, to believe in us like nothing else in my life. Screw him for making me look for other guys now. Screw him for honestly making me not trust in him or trust in sharing my love- after all the time it took to get to this point. Screw him for making me not trust other guys, either. Screw him for teaching me that you can love someone too much. Screw him for messing up my favorite time of the year that you semi-need another special person- the holidays. Screw him for taking me for granted, yelling at me a lot, stressing me out, complaining about us all the time, and making me tend to his every need- only so he could leave. Screw him for making me waste this whole week not feeling happy without him. 

My hair doesn’t want to curl when I’m unhappy. After I shower, my hair looks like it does on my second or third day hair- pretty much straight, flat, with a couple of poofy curls on the ends. It ruins my fucking day. I didn’t even know it’s something my hair does, and I don’t understand how. All I know is that it’s not fucking curling and it makes me sad.

I just want the fucking guy to come back home and say sorry so I can love again. This is fucking lame and dumb and I want it to end now. Because I know we’re real.

Some Small Accomplishments

Dear Diary,

Today I did yoga! I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to since I still hadn’t eaten a full meal since Thursday. I feel weak often because of it, and I’ve noticed that I’ve been losing weight. The yoga session was actually fine- I was stronger than I normally tend to be. I didn’t even use blocks. I have no idea why this would be, maybe it was my focus. There was a point towards the end of the class where the yoga instructor said to imagine our happy place, as there’s nothing left to do now but to focus. And in that moment I kind of teared up because I just imagined Joe’s face next to mine, us off in some random adventure. His smile and imagined presence totally made me feel like home and happiness. I couldn’t even help it, I became aware of it as soon as I felt anything, and I tried to take it back, but that’s just what makes me the happiest right now I guess. 

Another accomplishment was that after practice, Hanna met me at the gym and we went to a dining hall, and I actually think I ate a fair amount of food, like probably a normal portion of food. I don’t know if it was how much I would normally eat but I’ll bet it was close. Towards the end I got nauseous just like I have been every time I eat, but at least I kept it in. It’s really weird how my body is doing this even though I feel mentally calm, but I’m glad to see that it’s slowly passing.

Lastly, I’ve been listening to that playlist I created (I can’t remember when, last night?) the other night, called “Breathing Home”. Some songs are harder to listen to than others, but at least I’m able to do it. There are some songs that are so relevant right now, and before I only liked them for their sound. 

Here’s some lines by Mayday Parade I liked, called “Stay”

If you believe that everything’s alright 

You won’t be all alone tonight

And I’d be blessed by the light of your company,

Slowly lifting me to somewhere new 

[…]

I’m not strong enough for the both of us

What was I supposed to do

You know I love you

Please just stay, stay

Now “Like I do” just came on. I love the way this one sounds, and Joe and I can sing it well.

Some parts from by Mayday Parade’s “Three Cheers for Five Years” 

For heaven’s sake I know you’re sorry 

But you won’t stop crying 

This anniversary may never be the same 

Inside I hope you know I’m dying 

With my heart beside me 

In shattered pieces that may never be replaced 

And if I died right now you’d never be the same  

I thought with a month of apart 

Together would find us an opening 

And moonlight would provide the spark 

And that I would stumble across the key 

Or break down the door to your heart 

Forever could see us not you and me 

And you’d help me out of the dark 

And I’d give my heart as an offering 

Joe always said Mayday Parade was “whatever” because they sound “boy-band-y”. I agree about the sound, but there are some songs I like the lyrics of. Anyway, I have to sleep now. Tomorrow’s class is at 10am. I have an essay due Friday that I just can’t get myself to work on when I feel so impatient. I’m feeling kind of sad that this love’s in jeopardy. 

A little secret- I put some of Joe’s cologne on Snowy. I think it’s helping me sleep… Maybe not. Idk. 

 Love,

The First Dip and Some Important Lists

Dear Diary,

Okay, today is an entry with lists. I’ve started making them in my head already. Last night was the first drop in my emotions after a pretty consistent upward path. I was humming this song that I couldn’t remember the name of (later found out it was “Like I Do” by Envy on the Coast). After I listened to it I thought of a lot of other songs Joe and I used to sing together. I couldn’t listen to any of them but I just thought of them and added them to a Spotify playlist I titled “Breathing Home”. 

Stuff that I like about Joe:

• He is really handy. I like that he can logically think through mechanical problems and fix them. It’s really comforting.
• He can be really brave in tough situations so I feel safe
• He has a really positive attitude and reminds me of the good part of a situation
• When he’s honest, he’s really really honest and genuine
• He has a really big heart and cares about the people he chooses to surround himself with
• He’s really nice to animals (with some exceptions)
• He makes his voice really squeaky and hug-attacks me when he’s happy
• He makes other people smile because he’s kind
• He has a lot of energy and wants to adventure constantly
• He’s really exciting because he’s always looking to do more and do unique things
• He can be really emotionally connected like when he’s writing or listening to music
• When he feels happy, it’s really easy to see and it’s contagious
• He has my favorite singing voice
• He can learn stuff really quickly and has a really adaptive body (great balance)
• He’s willing to listen to other people’s thoughts about him and makes a really legitimate effort to change those things about himself if he agrees it’s a problem he wants to fix
• We have a lot of fun because we think the same type of stuff is funny, most of the time
• I love his hillbilly engineering and the fact that he’s always keeping projects
• He’s a really big adventurer and focuses on the importance of having fun in life
• He is able to get along with most people
• All the physical activities: surfing, mountain biking, fixing/making stuff, driving

Stuff that I don’t like about Joe:

• He can be really self centered
• Say things without completely understanding/caring if it’s offensive 
• Doesn’t think about why someone might be doing something 
• He’ll do what he feels like doing, without consulting anyone. Or he’ll make it seem like there’s room for opinion but then convinces you into his choice
• He thinks a lot of situations happen because of him, when there are many other factors
• He thinks he’s a lot better than other people, and deserves more because of this
• He can get angry really quickly and shut people out
• Especially if he doesn’t work through the emotions and frustrations
• He can be a lot to handle when he gets antsy about his projects or need to exercise
• He can be really revengeful, like an eye-for-an-eye type of behavior
• He can get really lazy about the relationship and takes me for granted a lot
• He has an overpowering personality
• Because he’s logically worked through to arrive at a reason/solution, he assumes most other people just don’t know
• Even if he sees that other people want to do something, he’ll get his own way anyway
• He doesn’t really care for reforming social, political, or environmental standards
• Feminism, controversial issues, politics, human / animal rights, food processing, conservation, protecting the earth, etc.
• He doesn’t really want to listen to people talk about stuff that he doesn’t personally find interesting or relevant. There sort of has to be a personal gain from conversations

Stuff that I like about myself:

• I am really emotionally connected with people I am close to
• I am really patient and understanding
• I can be really calm in stressful situations and guide others
• I can talk people through arguments and help them reach compromises 
• I like to learn about different kinds of people a lot
• I am a really happy person, not averagely happy. I have a really positive aura. 
• A lot of people mention that I’m a very excited/vibrant person after they meet me
• I am good at cooking, and I’m really inventive with this hobby
• I really enjoy watching people eat my cooking as well and bringing them comfort
• I am really good at going with the flow, and trying new things
• I have a really unique background story that makes me understand the world in a more open perspective
• I am really detail oriented, like I pay attention to things most people don't
• Like the texture of a sheet on my skin or the way a hair curl twirls around my finger
• I care about not being ignorant of social, political, or environmental problems
• Feminism, controversial issues, politics, human / animal rights, food processing, conservation, protecting the earth, etc.
• I can get really emotionally connected with writing or music 
• I am really good at organizing and staying within guidelines / rules 
• I find pleasure in finishing tasks by the rules
• I’m extremely thorough in making decisions
• In business, I’m surprisingly good at identifying and changing ineffective structures and processes. These changes have a large impact, even in small jobs or organizations
• I’m really well educated and smart because I actually care about what I learn in school
• This is why my course material is such a large talking point in my conversations 
• I will make a really great mother someday because of how I love
• I am sexually adventurous and exciting, I make efforts to surprise my partner every now and then, and I try new things
• I’m someone that gets along with people’s parents
• I’m really responsible 
• I can make a really great counselor for school-related things, I ease people’s tensions and help them through any school-related processes based on my own experience
• I’m extremely loyal to my friendships, family, and relationships
• I can be really articulate and generate new perspectives
• I can make other people feel really loved
• I touch them a lot, I can explain my feelings, I make them things, I kiss without regret, I listen to them, and I’m always there whenever they need to talk or need help
• I understand how my behavior affects others
• I am really good at not substance abusing 
• I am really lady-like in the sense that I can be really classy, I can behave calm and collected, smart, and give off a positive feminine energy
• I make really great impressions on people, especially employers, parents, and professors
• I’m relatively simple-minded in that I don’t need a lot of things to make me happy
• My hobbies include portrait photography, drawing, writing, guitar, exploring places, meditation, crafting (knitting, cross-stitching, scrapbooking, decorations), learning, reading, watching animated movies, yoga, makeup, games, and spending time with my partner / friends / family

Stuff that I don’t like about myself:

• I am really overbearing in conversations because I feel like what I have to say is always important
• Even if I’ve already made my point, I say the same things over and over to emphasize my points, mainly to get someone to agree with me
• I really like being right and have a hard time being wrong
• I am really stubborn, especially when my feelings are hurt
• I will sacrifice my own needs/wants for others
• I’m not good at listening to what I want and following through with it
• I’m really bad at recovering from mistakes because I have a lot of guilt about them
• This is because I feel like I failed to follow guidelines
• I have a hard time making decisions
• I’m a people pleaser and I love doing everything by the rules
• I am not a physically active person but I have an internal motivation to be that I can’t explain why I don’t follow through on
• I am really nervous in new social situations, I become overly self conscious about what to say in group settings but also one-on-one
• I am not good at nurturing / creating friendships when I’m in a relationship
• I’m not good at making changes to my personality, even if I see the consequences of my behavior. 
• I have difficulty staying consistent with the change after some time
• I tend to overanalyze people and situations, and then just avoid them at all costs because it gives me anxiety 
• I don’t like rollercoasters and horror-related activities (parks, movies, houses, etc.)
• I rely on other people too much to expose me to people, things, and activities

I guess the reason for my drop was because I felt a little bit of distrust in Joe. I ran across a poem he wrote me and it made me realize how many promises he had made and what expectations he’d created for me, and how he’s kind of tumbled them by making this choice. I guess I felt like he was the one who was supposed to believe in us and he was always the one reminding me of why we’re different, unique, strong, etc. I guess there’s some feelings of betrayal, like he worked me up to love him this way only to realize that he couldn’t keep his promises, that he was wrong and that we’re just not as strong as he thought we were. I’m not sure if any of this is true, I’m just feeling a little down.

I guess it kind of sucks being in my position, having to think about whether or not I should love him through this. Not that it’s really a choice. It’s weird, but even writing that list of all the stuff I don’t like about him- it’s not really true, because I do like all those things about him. Like it sucks, and it’s probably a problem, but I like that those are his issues. Like of all the issues he could possibly have in the world, I like that those are his issues. Because everyone is flawed and has a lot to learn, so it’s a really good set of issues in my opinion. The things I don’t like about myself are sort of the same way- I know they’re problems and they should be resolved, but at least it’s not terrible. Like I could have much larger issues that would make me not like myself as a whole person.

Here’s the poem he wrote:

We laugh and we cry, one day we’ll die 

But tonight and forever each day I’ll never 

Forget what we are, I’ll keep driving this car 

Cause without you I’m lost, I don’t care what you cost 

I can’t afford to be, without you you see. 

So drink this potion my bottled emotion 

And know when I say 

That each passing second of each passing day 

I smile, I miss you, I love you Hale.

Love,