The Day After

Dear Diary,

It’s really hard to describe how I feel, but I need to try to sort it out. I told my family about it all and they were really supportive. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I woke up every single hour of the night. It really sucked that I was sleeping alone. I slept on my side of the bed. The only way I felt better was when I turned away from where his body used to be, because then I didn’t really have to face the fact that he wasn’t there. When I woke up and turned around in the middle of the night, my heart would race so fast and I felt so sick to my stomach. 

I understand why this had to happen, and I want him to be happy. But I miss him, and I love him so much- it hurts to have to let him go and trust that he’ll come back. I’m worried about how much calm it brings me that he’ll come back. I know this relationship is strong, and I believe in it. I feel better when I admit that I’m waiting for him to come back when he’s able to feel what I feel. 

It sucks because I feel like he was the one who taught me it was safe to love again. Not just him, but myself and life in general. He showed me a new kind of love, like when I said “You have my heart” he’d always say “No, we have ours.” I always thought love was about devotion and giving yourself completely to another person, but he taught me that it’s about growing something together, and being something together. He really taught me to see us as different and one single pairing. He promised me that he’d never leave me, because that’s what I was always afraid of. It feels really hard to have to undo the feelings he taught me to some extent, because in order to move on I need to go back to some of my old ways of thinking. It’s really confusing because I feel like I don’t want to move on, and if I did, it’d be a false move as I am truly just waiting for him to come back. 

When I got off the phone with him I was so calm. I haven’t been able to cry for a long period of time since the phone call, mostly because I hear his voice in my head telling me to remember to breathe and that if our love is strong- which I believe it is- he’ll be back. I worry about the little things, like I’m really caught up on the apartment and his things. I worry about if he’ll have sex with someone else because of STI’s, and he’d honestly have to tell me if he’d been with someone else. I can’t imagine sharing my body with anybody right now, and I don’t want to. I feel like my body is safe right now, it’s clean and it belongs to me and him. That’s not the point to any of this, and he was the one who said that. 

I’ve been thinking about just going outside or to a Halloween party just to see if I’m wanted, just so I can feel secure that I don’t have to be alone. I’m not particularly insecure, because I feel like I’m really strong, unique, and I feel beautiful. I know guys notice me. If Joe never comes back to me, I really want someone special who characterizes all the things I loved about him, and then some more. I think about some of my favorite YouTubers and the things I really enjoy watching them for. It makes me feel hopeful, but I worry about the environment that I’m in right now and the people available to me. I know it’s too early to consider, but I worry if my relationship with Joe will interfere with a future relationship. I just keep thinking that I have to keep busy until he comes back. That’s my goal.

I want to travel the world with him, get two really cute dogs, and live in a house that we remodel a lot. I want to decorate it for every month’s theme, and cook lots of food that we love. I want to have ramen dates and play video games, go snorkeling so that he can hold my hand and lead the way. I want to check in on him as he’s endlessly working on his hobbies and find that smudge of oil on the tip of his nose that I love. I want to marry him.

Everyone keeps telling me, even Joe, that I need to figure out who I am without him, and that I may feel lost. But the truth is that I feel that I know who I am, and being without him doesn’t change who I am, it just makes me a sad version of myself who is missing my best friend. I’m still the same person, with the same worries and the same hopes. My personality isn’t dependent upon him. 

I guess I figure that if I feel so strongly about who we are and our potential, he’ll come back because this love just can’t die- it’s really unique and we’re really different. It’s crazy, but it’s a gut feeling I have. Just like Joe’s gut feeling which led him to make this decision for us. I love who we are, I love his family, and I can see this happening. It’s just a part of our story. 

I keep going back and forth between feeling calm and collected, trusting in us and in this chance that we’re taking- and then just feeling lonely and sad that we’re apart. I haven’t been able to eat in two, almost three days. He told me to eat string cheese yesterday, and I tried, but it made me feel sick so I put it back into the fridge after a bite.  I’ve lost motivation to do schoolwork, research work, or work for Mr. Light. I want to say that I feel better just staying in bed but I don’t. I just wish I could fast forward until the day he lets me know that he understands now. I won’t always feel this unmotivated but I have to let myself feel whatever it is that comes my way. 

I’m really happy that we agreed to it respectfully on the phone. I wish he was next to me when it happened, but I appreciate that he didn’t make me wait until Sunday. I know he has a lot of school materials and other essentials at the apartment, so I’m really nervous about when he’s coming back. I don’t mean to change his mind, but I know it’ll be so hard to appear strong and okay- and I won’t pretend I am. I just want to be held by him and cry, talk through some more and really anchor how this is going to work. I want to tell him what I feel too. 

He said that this is an opportunity for us to grow and learn, and that he wants me to be excited and to run with this opportunity. I can’t do that, but I understand what he means. He said it’s unfair if he just asked me to wait. The most terrifying part of this is that I’ve already sort of decided to wait, and while a part of me is worried that he’ll never come back, my heart tells me he will. I wonder how long this process will take. There will be others, but they won’t be us. I understand him, I will support him, and I can love him uniquely. At least I know that if he does come back, it’ll be real and different and we’ll be stronger than ever. 

It seems that the only thing that makes me feel good is just “being”. I can’t watch anything, I can’t eat, I can’t move. I don’t like scrolling through social media stuff, even though it’s mindless. If I just stare off into space I feel the safest, because that’s where I feel the most myself and I can trust my thoughts the most. I trust him and I trust myself. I trust in this relationship and I really feel like we will work it out. It’s just a gut feeling. 

Love,

When We Took a Chance

Dear Diary,

Today, Joe told me that he had made up his mind. In order for him to understand what we have and appreciate it and be able to commit to it, he needed to let me go and experience life without me. He kept saying that he’s doing what’s best for us, because it’s not fair that I’m not getting all of him the way that I am giving myself to him. He feels that I deserve better, and he had a gut feeling that he couldn’t ignore which was telling him that he’s doing something wrong by not committing to me all the way. 

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do- tell the person I love the most in the whole wide world that it’s okay with me. He said that if what we have is so amazing and so solid like we think it is, then this is a chance that we will win. And I believe in us- I believe in him, and I’m not the one doubting my feelings, so I hope he comes back. I will love him forever. 

He said he loves me, and that none of this is my fault- but it has to be done, and that in order to move forward we have to take a few steps back. He said to be excited, to think of this as an opportunity to learn and grow- to challenge ourselves. I said I can’t be excited about this but I understand. The whole time I told him that I understood, that I believe in us, and that I will always love him forever. 

I wanted to make sure I fought for this- and I did. I tried to change his mind, I tried to explain everything from the perspective of my eyes hoping he’d see- but he wouldn’t. He can’t. I think figuring out everything physically, like how he’ll move his stuff out of our apartment, or how I’m going to pay rent- it’s all overwhelming right now. I just can’t wait for him to go, and see how amazing we are- what a great match we were- and for him to come back. He said that I will learn about myself, and find out who I am without him- but I told him that I’m not the one who needs to figure that out. I am sure of who I am, I know who I want. He said he loves me, and I told him too. He said he still wants to play video games with me and I asked to go snorkeling with him. He still wants to be friends. I do too.

He said he wants to talk to my family. I haven’t told them yet, but I’ll let him know when I have. I’m so glad that Hanna is so close to me and that I can still talk to her. I feel terribly about letting his family go.

I kept telling him that it’s the hardest thing to do to be okay with letting the person you  undoubtedly love the most go, and he said that he’s not gone- nothing between us has ended. But I reminded him that he can’t disagree that even though our friendship will remain, the relationship has come to a stop. He agreed. I told him that I’d marry him in the next week if he’d just asked. He said he feels ready to marry, but he needs to do this so that he can be sure. 

I don’t agree with his decision, but I understand it. I can’t force him to be in a relationship when he’s just not as sure as I am, and it would only get worse from here. He needs to see what I see, and feel what I feel, and then he will understand how wonderful we are and that we are really unique, and a beautiful pairing. 

At the very end of the phone call, he helped me sit up, drink water, and he told me to grab some string cheese and find something to watch. Everything seems impossible to do right now, but I followed his instructions. I don’t know how to “be” without him right now, but I feel a weird sense of calm because I feel like he’s going to come back soon. Because I know that this love is real.

He said this is for us. We’re taking a chance for us. He said he really hopes he finds what he’s looking for, and if he’s sure of his next decision- he’ll come and knock my door down, he doesn’t care who I’m with. Because then he’ll know- and everything will be different because then he’ll know. 

I love him so much.