A Broken Heart is one That's Been Loved

Hey,

It's a sleepless 4am Sunday. I've been up to no good. Been doing all the things They tell you not to do.

- - -

Told you we'd be tested.
Gave you every part of me
Vulnerability is an understatement
Wasn't it nice to know you were loved while you were sleeping?

I thought I might be out of place
Thinking about you more than a year since
But then I looked back and I knew
You felt it in September when you remembered me too

All the times you said you wanted to see me
Only to be choked up
Drink up
Can't help thinking we shouldn't have broke up

I can't remember now
I thought we were different
In a rush of ingenuity, living black and white
We chose to fight all odds

I don't even know what I do this for
Remember the last time you knocked on my door
We couldn't even speak
Avoiding an embrace because you know we'd spill over

I want to know what songs you're writing
How does she feel in your arms
Is it home
He said please still love me, believe in us and we

Did you know
About my investment
That you'd leave one day
Cold, our lego house broken in an instant

I fear you're still lost
That it was all in my head
Lying down on this rainy floor
Waiting on the reason I do this for

The trouble is I'm getting angry
Tired of these dreams and your fear of commitment
I was made to love
Bad men take what they need and run

He said a broken heart is one that's been loved.

- - -

Trying Not to Practice This

Hey,

In case you were wondering- yes, it was difficult to know you committed to her. I was prepared, and I knew all along,  I saw it coming and I tried to get myself ready for that day... But I guess there's just nothing that really prepares you for that.

I try not to write anymore.

I'm trying not to practice this.

Trying.
Trying.
Trying.
... Trying.

But I have had so many dreams- every night for nearly a month now. Every night, Joey... I tell my friend about them just hoping it'll help me filter, let it out into the real world and out of my head. I try reading new things before I sleep, I have completely irrelevant days, I have the best days, and I try to remind others to wake me up. Nothing works.

I don't know why it's happening, why I have no control, why my body is working against me. It takes my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, and corners me. My days take such a hard hit, I sit frozen in my bed just thinking, "how do I start my day after seeing that?"

Pooya asked me if I miss you. He asked me if these dreams mean that I want you back. I couldn't say anything really, but it made me cry. I said, "Yes! I miss him! He was such a big part of my life, he will always be. Take him back... I don't know. I don't know. No, probably not, and that's what's so confusing!"

It's so embarrassing to not be in control...

I went to Sweden for 10 days for Dai Bijan's surprise 60th birthday party. I love my family so much, they are so infinitely loving, so inspiring, so kind. Once I had introduced you, they loved you. They took you in and to them, you were family forever. Through our separation, you're still family to them.

But Joey I can't even begin to explain how fucking difficult it was when the first thing people asked me was where you were. How the fuck was I to appear so strong and just say "We're not together anymore", or "he left."

I did so good, Joey, I kept it together but every time they asked I just wanted to cry so hard, fall into their arms and say, "I don't know why! I don't know why! I am miserable, I don't know why! Nothing's been the same! I cope, I live, but I'm not alive!"

I don't allow myself to practice crying about you, practice being upset, practice negative thoughts about the relationship. I'm just having a really hard night and I think a balance is in order. I don't normally feel the way I've written above. I'm proud of you- always. I support you to this day making the decision you did- I think it was the right one, Joey. I love me more now. I know me more now. You knew all the right things and I'm so grateful you saw something I didn't want to see through. But no matter how accepting I am, and how much I understand, it doesn't make it easy to deal with.

I get jealous thinking about Hanna, your dad, your mom, and everyone else we intertwined our lives with. I miss your mom so much. I'm so glad Hanna and I still talk, but under the circumstances it was just impossible that the relationship wouldn't strain.

I feel so incomplete.

I don't know why we've never said "I miss you" to this day. I know you're the kind of guy who would never- because you realize the effect it has and how unfair and unhelpful that is to share. Does more harm than good for both of us. I guess that's why I haven't either. 

I think about the place I'm in now, and I keep thinking about how you'd be proud of me. I took a big risk, moved to the Bay Area, opened up a business with Pooya, and it's going really well. I got offered a really cool job (although I don't know where they want to place me) that you'd be so excited to hear about. I have developed so much mentally, I am so much more sure. I feel good about myself, I've finally found my confidence and understand how to maximize my resources.

Sometimes, I feel like if you'd stuck it out through the hard part (aka being held down by the "must-do's" of my path), you would have been happy with me. But I also think that I wouldn't be who I am and thinking the way I do now, feeling the way I am, unless you left. So... I'm probably wrong. Can't have one without the other.

I'm with this guy right now, and I have been, who I kind of despise. He's toxic in every which way. You wouldn't be able to stand him. I've tried breaking up with him three times already. I tell myself it's okay to be with people that serve a single purpose, and that as relationships aren't my priority right now, he doesn't need to be fully satisfying (or even slightly). I just need someone to support me as needed, someone's attention as needed, and some ground between all this change. He's done a horrible thing that I won't and should not be able to get past.

I was being dumb and looking at old pictures. I didn't seek it out, I was looking for a specific video my dad posted on Facebook and in scrolling through, I got caught up. My dad still says you're his favorite of all the boys (especially if drunk), and he still calls you "pesaram", and he still loves you deeply. The day I told them you left, my dad was angry- mostly because he was sad. He translates hurt into anger.

I'm not confused about my direction, I don't feel stuck in a train of thought or a path of life that isn't suitable. I feel comfortable and "in progress". I try really hard to remind myself not to feel like everyone else, that no matter how common it is to have high school sweethearts and then break up, my situation is unique and it's normal to have my own process. People judge, people want things destroyed, they want to be right about things we cannot predict or understand. They didn't believe us from the start in 2009. People are negative, saying things like "you're too young to know. You're too young to be in love."

And when we broke up, the floor opened for them to confirm their completely unsupported knowledge. "Yeah, you know, you shouldn't have been trying to make that work. You were young, you should have been experimenting."

I attribute our relationship to be one of the greatest accomplishments of my life thus far. The amount of skill, patience, grounding that gave me put me at a several-years-advantage over others our age. We talked about this in the car that one day- but everyone around us lacks basic foundational tools. The same people telling me they knew better about our relationship are the same ones to tell me "you are so intelligent and beyond your age. Where did you learn these things? Can you explain things I can do to have better arguments with my partner, again?"

Joey I would never, ever prevent you from dreaming and living your potential. Your mind and life at the time led you to your decision, and I think it was the right one. I would never have stood in front of the door telling you not to go. When you said, "I can't help thinking. I need to do this", I said "Okay." I just hope you know I supported you, and I do now. I wanted what you wanted. I just, I guess... I guess the truth is that I was just really, really, really hoping that when I let you go, you'd somehow come back wanting me in it. But knowing how you are, I really don't think you would come back to something you decided against once. Once it's over, it's over. I know.

I wish I had more pictures of myself during the time that we were together. I know you have some, I really hope you don't delete them. I realized I have very few of myself and it makes me feel like 16-22 was just a big blur. Not real, in some sense. I wanted to ask if you could send them to me but I think it's a lot to ask to force you to re-expose yourself.

...So that's something I'm unnecessarily anxious about. Can't get myself to ask. What a dick move now, especially with A in the picture.

I noticed you stopped responding to me when you decided. That made me feel really good. I always trusted you, that was never an issue.

I don't know what else to say. I hope you're doing well, happy, excited, accomplished. Found yourself, maybe... I'm okay too. Just okay. It was better when I was with you, even though it wasn't all perfect or even good sometimes.

In case this is of interest: I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I miss you a lot, I miss you all the time, I miss you when I hear a song I like, I miss you when I talk about dogs. I miss you whenever I eat ramen, I miss you when I play my guitar. I miss you when I wake up, I miss you when I'm asleep. I miss you when I'm with Him, I miss you when I know I shouldn't. I miss you when I'm angry with you, I miss you when I feel trapped. I miss you when I see shitty old-and-perfect-love videos and when I just want a fucking genuine conversation with someone. I miss trusting.

I miss you when I wonder if you do too. 

I can't wait for me to not feel this way anymore. I'm trying.

Missing you,

Just Another Dream

I just had a dream that both joe and Luka were at my birthday party. At the end of the night, I was reading cards and opening presents and joe gave me a hug and sat next to me and he was touching my hand under the table. I saw a card from Luka that said "sincerely, your boyfriend" on the bottom, I saw that joe saw it too. I asked joe if he had written me anything, to which he said no (I think this was a subconscious reality check to remind me he wouldn't put in effort). Then, joe got all flustered and went outside. I went after him, leaving Luka behind, and I was running after joe who I could hear was crying. It's weird, I've only heard joe cry like a few times but it was spot on in the dream. When we sat down he started apologizing and trying to find some words to explain, and I started crying too and I said, all I ever wanted to do was love you. And then he kissed me, and it felt like no big deal. I think in some way or another he said he wanted to be together again.

I thought Luka had seen me run after him, but then Luka texted me saying he left to go to a club and he left some things behind and that I shouldn't do anything weird with someone hot, just jokingly. I don't think he knew I was with joe. I was overcome with this feeling of having cheated, even though Luka and I weren't actually together. I was just feeling so bad about everyone involved but I was ultimately happy it happened.

And then I woke up in a pool of sweat.

Life is so Coincidental

**Note: this post is weird and short handed because I kept having to come in and out of writing it. My thoughts appear incomplete and sound lightweight, but there was a lot more to discuss.

September 11, 2016 at 11:25 AM

About the break up:

On Wednesday, I broke up with Luka after I found out something awful that he’d done to me. I generally feel fine about what happened to me, but I’m mostly upset about how he handled it and the things that he said. He tried to guilt me about it, place blame on the alcohol, and invalidate what happened. I’m really sad that he doesn’t understand the severity and wrongness of what happened, because I realize that many other people are probably just as unaware. I had guilt over what happened only because I’ve chosen to not report it to the authorities, so I feel like it’s my responsibility now to make sure that he doesn’t do it to anyone else. At the same time, I’m not making it my responsibility to teach him anything. So, I compromised and told his brother everything that happened and explained that my goal is for Luka to make a long lasting permanent change in perspective. I don’t want to ruin his life.

I slept at his apartment that night. I was really confused and I didn’t know what to do. We were supposed to drive up together to Hasti’s Thursday night. I didn’t have a car or any friends except Alex in the area, who I had been keeping in touch with the entire time. In the morning, I decided to buy a bus ticket (with Megabus, the one that we used together that one time). He insisted on driving me to the Union Station, and that’s where we said goodbye. I mostly miss his company and the friendship. 

About the phone call:

I texted you happy birthday. I debated not doing it, because I remembered that you forgot to text me on mine. To my surprise, you called me. The thing about it is that it’s so weird- if you had called any other day I wouldn’t have been able to pick up. You haven’t called me in a ridiculous amount of months, and I’ve wanted to but I haven’t either. It was awkward I guess. Hasti would say that it’s because we weren’t talking about what we really wanted to talk about. You mentioned you’re with a tight knit group, and that someone brought a bunch of Xanax to the party you were at. I wasn’t sure if you had any or not and what my opinion about it is. After talking to you I felt pretty empty. I think the reality hit me that maybe you’re not someone I really wanna be with, cuz I realize I would have to make so many exceptions. It’s just so strange to me that you happened to call, it was so perfectly timed.

Anyway…

About the Email

Hey,

So after that blog post I sent you an e-mail. I couldn't hold back. I wanted to call you but I was afraid of sounding stupid or upsetting you. I just feel like too much silence has passed and I wanted you to know that our door is always open, that you can trust me and you can talk to me about anything, anytime. 

I'm such a mess, Joey. 

Hale Ahangi:

I'm on the verge of calling joe 

I don't know what I want to say

Alex:

Hoe dont do it

Why are you calling him..

Hale Ahangi:

I just feel like I have to 

Alex:

Why..

If you dont know what to say why do you have to call him?

Hale Ahangi:

Because I'm miserable. 

I just feel like we both need to talk to each other 

Like he's probably afraid to because of Luka 

And I don't want to because he's the one who left 

So I'm supposed to let him go 

I've been wanting to call him basically since it happened and I haven't because I thought he would by now but now I think I've created a reason for him not to

I just want to say hi and ask him if he's okay, and that I miss him

Alex:

And talking to him is going to make you not miserable?

Hale Ahangi:

Maybe 

Maybe if I can just get some confirmation that he still feels too, even if it's not good news 

Just to know its not all in my own head 

Alex:

Youre coming up with excuses at to why he hasnt called you but you and luka havent really been public for very long

Its been a looong time since you broke up

Almost going on a yesr

Year

And he never called

Probably cuz hes respecting you and your wishes though

Hale Ahangi:

It's just that it sounded like he wanted to reconnect when I talked to Britney last 

And I tried to hang out and he never replied the closer we got to it happening 

I just want him to say something, anything 

Alex:

Well he hasnt

And i mean personally that seems like hes saying something right therr

There

But if you want to call him go ahead

Hale Ahangi:

:( I don't know what to do 

Alex:

What do you want

Hale Ahangi:

i’ve decided to email him instead

Alex:

That sounds good

Hale Ahangi:

i didn’t even read it over i just sent it

I wouldn't share what you say Joe. I just want to know how you feel. It's private and it's our own world, I don't want you to feel scared of that :( (or to have forgotten it).

I've been Avoiding Writing, But I'm Always Thinking of You

Baby,

This is what I've been singing tonight, with tears in my eyes and a stupid quaky voice that doesn't stay on pitch the way you would've wanted me to be able to. I tried to record myself singing it but it was just weird and stupid.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand
So tall just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me... And all over me

I'm so sorry that still I love you because it hurts us both.

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I make do, I'm doing life and all- but I miss you every single day. I dream about you every time I close my eyes- even for naps. Sometimes I wake up and the very first thought in my head is, "I wonder what bebeh is up to today. I love him." until it hits me in the heart that things are not the way they used to be. Sometimes it seems routine to wake up, cry silently about my dreams, and get up and on with my day.

I feel guilty about the way that I feel- like I'm supposed to know better and to do better for myself and have moved on by now. I'm with someone new- I have been for a long time. And it's good, it should be everything because it's so much more perfect by the book, but it's not.

If all of this reads crazy to you, know that it does for me too. I haven't written since June because I've been thinking that if I can just make a conscious effort to stop encouraging myself to review and to think it over, it'll get easier. I tell myself, "He doesn't care about you. He's somebody new now. Why are you hurting yourself?" And here I am writing words that I just didn't think would exist anymore. Love you? YOU?

There exists nothing in the world that pains me more.

I wanted to write here after I moved out of the apartment. It was awful, Joey. I'd never felt so alone. Moving back into my parents house made me feel like I'd failed- remember when I told you I never wanted that to happen the way my sister had moved back home? But I also knew that I needed to lay and sulk, and I needed to be somewhere that could support me and give me the laziest space I needed in order to feel. They don't know. Nobody knows.

I have still to experience a single day where you don't cross my mind. Not. One. Day.

It makes me review everything I knew about myself. What does it mean that I can't get over him. What does it say about me that I love him so much, that I feel unhappy without him. Has it been a mistake to grow so dependent and grown so far into another person?

I am incredibly fragile, I don't believe in anything that I used to anymore. I don't know about marriage. Remember when we used to say that "as long as each person in the relationship wants it to work they CAN." I literally can't get myself to trust another person to do what you did to me. I'm so sorry I have to write it like that, Joey. It's just that I've never been so shocked in my entire life. I put everything I ever had into you, into us- thinking we were different from the rest of the world. I lost everything throughout my life and I just never thought you would leave too. It makes me feel like I don't deserve love or people, because I can never seem to keep those things.

God, I just really hope that it wasn't all in my head. Just please tell me it wasn't all in my head... I thought we had something amazing, I thought we'd make it... I never saw it ending the way it did...

I am so unhappy without you and I hate the power that I lose from admitting that.

I can't believe all this time has passed and you haven't said that you missed me. I wonder if you think you can't because you know it'll bring me too much hope. I tried to see you, but you stopped replying to my messages when it got too close and real to happening. I think you're afraid.

You have no idea all the times I wanted to write you. Call you. See you.

I have to explain everything to everyone (anyone). I just feel like I wouldn't need to with you, because you've known me since I basically chose to live and took my first breath. I just wasn't alive until I met you and we happened. You were the first home I found after leaving mine when I was a child.

I don't have a home anymore. Nobody is my home. No house feels like my home. I am so lost.

I'm so sorry that I couldn't be, or that I made you doubt, or that I bring you pain now. All I want is for you to be happy, whatever way that is. Honestly, I'm not selfish enough to think that happiness can only come from me- but I wish it would.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could move on. You were both the best and the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I wish things were the way they used to be... You telling me about "us" with huge eyes and a smile, showing me how we're different and to believe in us, trust in you. I wish you wouldn't have said those things, I opened so many walls to believe you.

Being Alive Again

"You just have to keep on living until you're alive again."