Dear Diary,
Today, Joe told me that he had made up his mind. In order for him to understand what we have and appreciate it and be able to commit to it, he needed to let me go and experience life without me. He kept saying that he’s doing what’s best for us, because it’s not fair that I’m not getting all of him the way that I am giving myself to him. He feels that I deserve better, and he had a gut feeling that he couldn’t ignore which was telling him that he’s doing something wrong by not committing to me all the way.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do- tell the person I love the most in the whole wide world that it’s okay with me. He said that if what we have is so amazing and so solid like we think it is, then this is a chance that we will win. And I believe in us- I believe in him, and I’m not the one doubting my feelings, so I hope he comes back. I will love him forever.
He said he loves me, and that none of this is my fault- but it has to be done, and that in order to move forward we have to take a few steps back. He said to be excited, to think of this as an opportunity to learn and grow- to challenge ourselves. I said I can’t be excited about this but I understand. The whole time I told him that I understood, that I believe in us, and that I will always love him forever.
I wanted to make sure I fought for this- and I did. I tried to change his mind, I tried to explain everything from the perspective of my eyes hoping he’d see- but he wouldn’t. He can’t. I think figuring out everything physically, like how he’ll move his stuff out of our apartment, or how I’m going to pay rent- it’s all overwhelming right now. I just can’t wait for him to go, and see how amazing we are- what a great match we were- and for him to come back. He said that I will learn about myself, and find out who I am without him- but I told him that I’m not the one who needs to figure that out. I am sure of who I am, I know who I want. He said he loves me, and I told him too. He said he still wants to play video games with me and I asked to go snorkeling with him. He still wants to be friends. I do too.
He said he wants to talk to my family. I haven’t told them yet, but I’ll let him know when I have. I’m so glad that Hanna is so close to me and that I can still talk to her. I feel terribly about letting his family go.
I kept telling him that it’s the hardest thing to do to be okay with letting the person you undoubtedly love the most go, and he said that he’s not gone- nothing between us has ended. But I reminded him that he can’t disagree that even though our friendship will remain, the relationship has come to a stop. He agreed. I told him that I’d marry him in the next week if he’d just asked. He said he feels ready to marry, but he needs to do this so that he can be sure.
I don’t agree with his decision, but I understand it. I can’t force him to be in a relationship when he’s just not as sure as I am, and it would only get worse from here. He needs to see what I see, and feel what I feel, and then he will understand how wonderful we are and that we are really unique, and a beautiful pairing.
At the very end of the phone call, he helped me sit up, drink water, and he told me to grab some string cheese and find something to watch. Everything seems impossible to do right now, but I followed his instructions. I don’t know how to “be” without him right now, but I feel a weird sense of calm because I feel like he’s going to come back soon. Because I know that this love is real.
He said this is for us. We’re taking a chance for us. He said he really hopes he finds what he’s looking for, and if he’s sure of his next decision- he’ll come and knock my door down, he doesn’t care who I’m with. Because then he’ll know- and everything will be different because then he’ll know.
I love him so much.
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