A Goodbye, Maybe

Dear Diary Joe,

I don’t have much to say to you anymore, I guess. I don’t feel like writing to you. So I guess in some sense this is a goodbye unless something changes from here on out. It’s really weird how it’s all happened- I feel nothing really. I don’t miss you unless I really get myself thinking about it, or if I have a dream about you. It only lasts a couple hours. I don’t want to check your Instagram or Snapchats anymore. It took getting away from you for a month to be able to see how unfairly I was treated and how happy I could be without you.

Sucks to say it, but you were mean to me. You made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. I was always trying to please you, shape my every move to satisfy your needs. You didn’t let me be me, really. You were trying to shape me into who you wanted to date, yelling at me every time it didn't work. Of course there were good times- I laughed hard around you, and I love the silly voices we’d make or calling each other “bebeh.” But it’s as if it’s all gone now, it stands as a cloudy remnant of my history, and all I can see now is your hard face looking down at me. I don’t think about you all day anymore. 

I’m seeing someone new, and he’s kind and softer. I don’t have to teach him what not to say and why that is. He’s conscious. He wanted to add, “It's not so important what we do, than who we are.” He finds the stuff I do and say valuable- the same stuff that you told me was a waste of time because it didn’t do anything for you. I always feared embracing my simplicity because it’d bore you- and it was never my fault for not being who you wanted me to be. I’ve learned a lot about myself, including that I’m extremely positive and a ruthless fighter against my own tendencies. Not a lot around me is going well for others, and somehow I’ve become the center strength for them all even though I’m at a low point. 

I’ve decided to let you go entirely, until another day if you make the call that you want to talk. I’ll think about it then. I’m the same person and all, nothing’s changed, but I just don’t think, from what I learned from you in six years, that you’re the kind of person that can embrace another person’s life and needs and make it a part of your own. I wanted us to have a life together, but your vision was cluttered with your own contracts, and I was simply an interference in your process.

It’s unfortunate that I’m happy now, but I am- in new ways. It’s a more honest happiness. I’m just a really determined, sure-of-myself person, which has really come to surprise me as all I’ve been telling myself is that I can’t make a single decision about anything. But it’s true- I’m rational as hell, strong and clear headed.

I honestly don’t know what to say. Wonder what you’re thinking I guess. Maybe you have no regrets and are happy too.  I’m not holding on to anything- if you looked back you wouldn’t see anyone anymore. 

Love you loads,