Dear Diary (really Joe in this one),
Hey. Some things are kind of weird for me right now and I thought this would help. Last time I saw you, which was on the 14th, it got me pretty messed up. When I saw you, I was angry and at the same time I felt absolutely nothing. It was really weird. When you left, I drank a whole bottle of wine and talked to this guy on the phone until I passed out. I’ve never drank over you and I’m not going to, cuz it sucked and was dumb. I honestly have been feeling bad that I couldn’t engage with you when I saw you- I didn’t ask how you were doing because I didn’t want to know. No answer you would have given me would have made any difference.
I’ve been having this thought lately and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think about you all the time any more, mostly because I don’t want to. Thinking about you and what happened to us hurts me a lot, so I mostly shut it out and think about how it was good for you and that I hope you’re happy now.
Guys are treating me like an absolute treasure, like a princess. They give me attention, give me things, cuddle me, kiss me, take me places, and they tell me the sweetest, kindest things that I’ve ever heard. They feel a lot, and when I tell them I want to keep exploring and don’t want to move forward, they’ve all said they understand and will be patient in case it works. But I never go back, really. It’s really weird, I just don’t feel anything in return. Or if I do, it only lasts a couple of weeks. I just feel like they’re not my home- and I don’t think you are either anymore- but they just don’t feel right.
I feel as if I’m kind of broken, like I’m incapable of falling in love or something. There’s this guy right now who I should want and really care about- he’s got an incredible list of qualifications, he treats me like a doll, he’s gorgeous, adventurous, 6’5”, intelligent and pretty funny. He excites me and surprises me, makes me feel really special. I came home at 6:30am after a date with him last night, and it struck me how the most incredible date in my life still didn’t make me have feelings for him that I feel should’ve been there. Is this your fault?
I have a hard time getting up in the morning- nothing excites me enough. I go out so much, I’ve made new friends, and it’s so much fun while I’m out there but I come home feeling empty. Sometimes I look around the place and just picture you being in it.
I haven’t cried for so freaking long about you but I just started. I miss calling you bebeh, and the stupid voices we’d make that only you and I thought were funny. I miss the days in high school when you were really in love with me. You thought I was so special when I didn’t see anything at all. You taught me to see it, but after we broke up it was gone again. Everyone tells me I’m special now, and I feel so useless. I feel ugly, stupid, boring, gross, unusual, and generally a nuisance. It’s scary that you knew every little detail about me and then left, it makes me feel like all that I had to offer wasn’t good enough, and isn’t good enough for other people. I feel insecure and unsure of myself- really fragile and afraid to be left or judged.
I don’t know if I miss you, or if I would want you back if I had the chance. That’s not what this is about… It’s just as if a part of myself has completely died, and the other half that’s left just isn’t the strongest end.
Hanna and Alex broke up and it’s been really hard on me trying to support them both. I was doing really well, but talking to them about everything brings back so many emotions that I think I’ve just been keeping out of sight. I don’t think about how I feel about you, or the relationship. I don’t think about my progress or my state in the loss. I’m theoretically happy, because I do all the right things and my life is so full of people and activities, goals and hobbies that I love. But it’s like no matter how much effort I put forward to get myself to a better place, and I have (I generally don’t feel anything towards the relationship at all, I feel neutrally happy), it just is never enough to make me feel whole. To feel completely satisfied. Everything is such a big effort now- I do things because it’s good for me, because they’re my goals and because I care about the people I’m surrounding myself with.
What the fuck, man. I just thought about calling you and just telling you all these things. Dangerous, stupid thoughts. You’re just not who I keep trying to convince myself you are- you don’t feel the way you do, you don’t love me anymore. You’re someone so new now.
I guess it’s that I know what it feels like to be loved by you when it’s real, and that’s the kind of love that I haven’t been able to find anywhere else, even since we lost it ourselves midway through. That’s home. Those looks you gave me and the words you said to bring me comfort- that was home. And that home burned so fast, it wasn’t there for a long time… It was like I found the dragon, or the unicorn, or the highest point of the mountain- whatever you want to call it, and the rest of the relationship I was just seeking that same high. I dedicated all my time and effort to get that high from you again… Of course it never came.
I ran across a recording of you singing “If I’m James Dean You’re Audrey Hepburn” and it was really hard to just close it out. This is really, really, scary to write about because it’s all in my head. But it’s real, and I think I need to see it typed out on this screen so that I take it seriously in case it gets worse. But sometimes, I just think about dying. Not killing myself, but just... being gone. And I think about the people and what they’d say, and for some fucked up reason this brings me strength and makes me hopeful that I’m a special person, because when I picture myself gone, I see that people cared a lot and that I was really special, and there were a lot of regrets with everyone.
Nobody gets me. Not even you- I was a tailored version of myself that I seriously didn’t like when I was around you. But you were pretty close to understanding. But as close as you were, it didn’t bring me comfort anyway, because you honestly didn’t like the whole me so it was embarrassing and punishing to truly be myself.
Will it always be like this? It’s insane, because I feel like I’m finally over the break up- day to day, it doesn’t affect me- I don’t think about it. I don’t feel sad. I don’t cry until I write or I’m in the therapy room… I wonder if that’s what it’s gonna be like from now on. Just tolerable nothingness as you pretend to go about all your important goals, always feeling an incurable, torturing emptiness that devalues everything and everyone you encounter.
I don’t know what my mind or body wants. I don’t crave touch or attention. I don’t really want to talk to you at all. I don’t want to see you. I just want to feel at peace, I guess…
Am I seriously still grieving? Why? I wish I could feel the way I think you’re feeling. Relief?
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