Feels like a Dream

Hey.

It just feels like as if you were never there at all. Like ever. It's as if I dreamt about you. I don't know if it's me who's done that to myself. I've found that I am afraid that I'll never trust to love anyone the way that I wanted to love you. 

I've held back from calling you for a whole two weeks. I don't really know what I would say, other than that I miss some form of you and us, but that's not what I want to say. I would much rather you say that. 

I rearranged stuff in the apartment again hoping it'd make the space feel a little different, but it just exaggerated the thought of us as being some made-up dream, because now the space sort of doesn't feel real either. 

I'm kind of angry with you that you left me when we had a contract to the apartment, because I knew I wouldn't have been able to afford it without you, but we made the plan to live together to work around the financial aid decreases. Of course I wouldn't have wanted you to stay, but I'm under so much stress trying to tie it together every month. I have three jobs now. Three. 

None of these boys fulfill me. I'm not sure if you could either. I honestly don't remember who you are. 

I just poured my heart out  

there's bits of it on the floor 

And I take what's left of it 

and rinse it under cold water 

And call him up for more  

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely 

And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me 

And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too 

He said I'm sorry 

so sorry 

I'm sorry 

so sorry 

He grabs my wrist 

as my fingers turn into angry fists 

and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you 

I'll play the part

Feeling empty,