I've been Avoiding Writing, But I'm Always Thinking of You

Baby,

This is what I've been singing tonight, with tears in my eyes and a stupid quaky voice that doesn't stay on pitch the way you would've wanted me to be able to. I tried to record myself singing it but it was just weird and stupid.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand
So tall just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me... And all over me

I'm so sorry that still I love you because it hurts us both.

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I make do, I'm doing life and all- but I miss you every single day. I dream about you every time I close my eyes- even for naps. Sometimes I wake up and the very first thought in my head is, "I wonder what bebeh is up to today. I love him." until it hits me in the heart that things are not the way they used to be. Sometimes it seems routine to wake up, cry silently about my dreams, and get up and on with my day.

I feel guilty about the way that I feel- like I'm supposed to know better and to do better for myself and have moved on by now. I'm with someone new- I have been for a long time. And it's good, it should be everything because it's so much more perfect by the book, but it's not.

If all of this reads crazy to you, know that it does for me too. I haven't written since June because I've been thinking that if I can just make a conscious effort to stop encouraging myself to review and to think it over, it'll get easier. I tell myself, "He doesn't care about you. He's somebody new now. Why are you hurting yourself?" And here I am writing words that I just didn't think would exist anymore. Love you? YOU?

There exists nothing in the world that pains me more.

I wanted to write here after I moved out of the apartment. It was awful, Joey. I'd never felt so alone. Moving back into my parents house made me feel like I'd failed- remember when I told you I never wanted that to happen the way my sister had moved back home? But I also knew that I needed to lay and sulk, and I needed to be somewhere that could support me and give me the laziest space I needed in order to feel. They don't know. Nobody knows.

I have still to experience a single day where you don't cross my mind. Not. One. Day.

It makes me review everything I knew about myself. What does it mean that I can't get over him. What does it say about me that I love him so much, that I feel unhappy without him. Has it been a mistake to grow so dependent and grown so far into another person?

I am incredibly fragile, I don't believe in anything that I used to anymore. I don't know about marriage. Remember when we used to say that "as long as each person in the relationship wants it to work they CAN." I literally can't get myself to trust another person to do what you did to me. I'm so sorry I have to write it like that, Joey. It's just that I've never been so shocked in my entire life. I put everything I ever had into you, into us- thinking we were different from the rest of the world. I lost everything throughout my life and I just never thought you would leave too. It makes me feel like I don't deserve love or people, because I can never seem to keep those things.

God, I just really hope that it wasn't all in my head. Just please tell me it wasn't all in my head... I thought we had something amazing, I thought we'd make it... I never saw it ending the way it did...

I am so unhappy without you and I hate the power that I lose from admitting that.

I can't believe all this time has passed and you haven't said that you missed me. I wonder if you think you can't because you know it'll bring me too much hope. I tried to see you, but you stopped replying to my messages when it got too close and real to happening. I think you're afraid.

You have no idea all the times I wanted to write you. Call you. See you.

I have to explain everything to everyone (anyone). I just feel like I wouldn't need to with you, because you've known me since I basically chose to live and took my first breath. I just wasn't alive until I met you and we happened. You were the first home I found after leaving mine when I was a child.

I don't have a home anymore. Nobody is my home. No house feels like my home. I am so lost.

I'm so sorry that I couldn't be, or that I made you doubt, or that I bring you pain now. All I want is for you to be happy, whatever way that is. Honestly, I'm not selfish enough to think that happiness can only come from me- but I wish it would.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could move on. You were both the best and the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I wish things were the way they used to be... You telling me about "us" with huge eyes and a smile, showing me how we're different and to believe in us, trust in you. I wish you wouldn't have said those things, I opened so many walls to believe you.