Reflecting on More Thoughts

Dear Diary,

I know what my 11:11 wish will be for a while. I’m at school now, and I’m having a lot of reflections. I slept well last night (although only about 6 hours) and I was able to watch some YouTube videos, which has been difficult to focus through. Today I feel worried about how the meeting last night affected Joe. I texted him right after he left the apartment, explaining that the meeting was really nice and it helped settle a lot of concerns and that I support him and see the benefits already, but he never replied. I think it was hard for him to be with me because it brings to light the difficult decision he had to make- although he feels it is the right one. I guess I didn’t feel like it was a step backwards or anything because I felt like it was what we were meant to do to close up all the feelings we have and establish rules and expectations for the process. When we talked on the phone on Friday there hadn’t been any time to reflect for me and we were both so emotional we couldn’t really talk about all these things. I just felt like our relationship deserved that meeting and the kisses- we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves and expect to feel nothing or just avoid each other when we’re in pain.

I know how I feel about the relationship, but I’ve been wondering a lot about what Joe is doing with this information. I trust that he’s not taking advantage of my feelings, but finding relief in it so that he can explore and trust in the process as much as I do. Last night I said, “You know how I talk about how I believe in us?”  He said yeah. “Well, do you believe in us too?” It was a hard question, but I guess what I was looking for was just some little feeling that he might have that what we’ve created is special, unique, and strong. He basically said no, not really- he’s just not sure, and that’s why he’s doing this right now. But he really likes that I do. 

I’ve had a thought but I’m not sure what I think of it. I’ve been thinking that Joe tends to be really competitive in nature, and maybe he’d be more likely to come back if I seemed a bit more out of reach. I feel like while I could do that, it’s not how I truly feel, and I feel like the reason I’m not going that route is because I trust him to not take advantage of me, and that this is a lot more than exciting competition. I feel like all my elders like aunts and my mom always tell me not to overshare, to always keep some things private and to always keep men guessing. They always say don’t let them see all of you, never love them all the way. They will take it for granted. But I feel like it’s so wrong to think that way. Their relationships function but they must be missing a huge aspect which is trust- trust that you can be vulnerable and the person doesn’t take advantage of that. And if they do, then that’s a lack of character and a relationship red flag, so you probably shouldn’t be with them. I think that’s the kind of mentality that just leads a relationship on for functional reasons, and that might make sense because that’s what a lot of my aunts think of their marriages. It’s sort of like, well, we have to be married so do whatever we need to to make it work, even if it means losing aspects of myself or not being happy. That’s really marriage for the sake of marriage, not love. 

I’ve been having another thought that I don’t really know what to do with. I think of the situation as completely reversed, and what Joe would do if he was in my shoes and I was the one who wanted to explore. Of course, we’d also have to embody the emotions that we have now. So Joe would be the one that’s sure, like he used to be, and I’d be confused and curious. And honestly, I can just see him doing exactly what I’m doing now. He’d tell me to go, that he trusts me and he trusts us, and that he’ll miss me but this is what’s best for us both. He would definitely not stop me. And he’d tell me that I can always remember that he loves me and he will hold the fort for us. He’d remind me of how we’re something really unique and this process can’t break this bond. I feel like I’m just repaying him for all the times he showed me that there was something there when I couldn’t and didn’t want to see. He was my strength and stuck to it even though he couldn’t get much in return. I’m doing the same without the conscious effort. I don’t set out to be like him and imitate these lessons, but it’s just happening. My reaction to his pain is to find strength in myself. It’s selfless and it’s kind of unexplainable, but it is actually easier for me to be strong for us than it is to let this relationship go entirely and look for someone else. 

I don’t know. And the honest truth is that all of this might change at any moment. I have so many choices in this situation but I’m just following whatever instinct I have- which right now is to be strong and trust my love for him and this relationship. Maybe someday I’ll wake up and feel like I don’t want to wait for someone who just isn’t as sure as I am because that means something within itself, but that’s not today. Maybe Joe will be sure, we’ll get back together, and then I have my own hesitations in a while. This situation can go so many ways, so all I can do is not really control what I want the outcome to be, but just go with that gut feeling to guide me. Today the gut feeling says to love him more, support him more, trust in the relationship, and be the home of stability and strength that he needs when he can’t see. 

I want to make new friends too, but I’m not sure where or how. UCLA clubs are really difficult to join and they cost money. I was looking at a few apartment listings on Facebook. I ideally want a private room with housemates, but Westwood is really limited and small for the number of people in the city. So far there’s only been a lot of doubles. They’re expensive and small, and I wouldn’t know what to do with my furniture. I’m just trying not to worry about any of it until Joe wants to move out to Cal State LA and can’t help with rent anymore. I feel guilty about taking his money but this just wasn’t what I planned for the year, and I know he’s helping because he feels guilty and at fault for the instability. I feel bad because he’s not living here, and he works really hard for his money. I really wish I didn’t have to ask him for any of it. I wish I could stay in the apartment but I don’t think I could afford it, and it’s not fair to put that pressure on my parents.

Anyway, I’m really happy with the way that Joe and I are doing everything. My only hope is that my own needs (like when I asked him to stay after moving his things to his car), doesn’t scare him or hurt him. I guess I feel kind of scary. Confidence can be scary, because I guess it’d be so hard to reason why they feel something you don’t. But that’s how it was when Joe saved my life- I couldn’t see why he was trying, or why he felt like I was so worthwhile, but he was incredibly confident about it and it made me feel like there had to be some degree of legitimacy in it. It worked. I love this guy and I just want him to live a life he chooses, to be proud of it. And if he chooses to make me a part of it it’s a double win because I want him to be a part of mine as well. Joe is the only thing on my mind right now. I’m doing fine in schoolwork and stuff, but my mind won’t wander far. I think about what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, if he’s smiling, what his hair looks like, what he’s wearing that day, if he’s feeling okay, what he’s annoyed about, and what his hobby goal is for the day. It happens really fast, like a flash in my head between everything else. It makes me smile though.

Reading his old blog made me miss his writing. He’s always been so good at writing. It’s made me want to write too. I’m really happy about keeping these journals, I feel like it helps me collect my thoughts and I just feel safe from everyone else’s thoughts about this whole thing. People give such generic break-up advice, or they just try to say something that they think is useful (while making large assumptions). Most of the time I just smile and say, “Yeah, you’re right”. Maybe there’s a some truth in it but they don’t get the whole picture. 

Okay, enough venting. First week back at school and I have a paper due Friday. On an emotional scale I’m really calm and strong. Just doing better and better, and I feel like I can now focus my energy on being the best friend I can possibly be for him.

Love,

After the Call: Finding Closure

Dear Diary,

I texted Joe before the Halloween party and asked him if he had school supplies at the apartment that he needed for the week. He said no, but I suggested that maybe he could come over and grab just a few important things and essentials (toothbrush, suitcase full of clothes, shaving kit, etc.) so that we could have a chance to talk. He suggested that maybe it’d be better if I wasn’t there when he moved all the things into his car, but I told him I’d rather be there and help him do it, so that we can talk before and after. He texted, “Okay that works.”

In the morning when I woke up at Hanna’s dorm, I was really nervous and didn’t know how I was going to react to seeing him. Joe came over tonight at about 4pm. When I opened the door and said hello, he just said “Hey, what’s up” and walked in with some of my things he brought from his dad’s house. I could tell he was trying to be strong and keep it friendly and light. I closed the door and sat on the side of my bed. He said down with me, and when I looked into his eyes I saw the hurt and asked him how he was. He teared up immediately and I did too. I quickly hugged him and I said, “I know this is hard but it’s going to help.” We held each other for a while and I somehow felt that with the hug we came to a physical agreement of acknowledgment of the situation. I started telling him that my intention isn’t to change his mind at all, but I have a lot that I want to say. He nodded and completely opened the floor with a smile: “Yeah, go for it!” 

So I started by explaining that throughout this entire process we have to promise to be respectful, honest, vulnerable, and not avoiding or ignoring the discomfort or pain that we’re feeling, which we’re currently excelling at doing. He agreed completely. I had contemplated telling him about what I keep calling the “bringing me calm” thought. Mainly because I didn’t want it to scare him or cause any pressure, and also because I didn’t want him to take me for granted because I have these thoughts. I prefaced it all and admitted that telling him about it puts me at a vulnerable spot, to which he slightly worriedly asked if I’d like to wait until later to tell him. I said no, because I really hope that sharing it will do more good for him than bad for me. So I explained how the way that I’ve been able to keep so calm and find inner peace is by listening to my gut feeling about the strength and prevalence of our relationship. It’s a scary thing to say to someone, because it takes a great deal of respect to see through the “okay, so she’s going to wait for me, I have her as a backup” and really understand what that sort of confidence means towards the relationship’s foundation, and what incredible factors existed to create it. I really hoped he’d understand it the right way, and it seemed that he really did. I was so relieved, but I remembered that it was what I expected and that’s why I wanted to tell him. I talked about how the “gut feeling” he had about making this decision is the same type of “gut feeling” I have about how strong this relationship is. I told him that when I feel loneliness, I remind myself to just trust the process and trust in this relationship, and it always works. 

The whole conversation went on for a long while, and I covered things like how he was the one that taught me to love differently and the confidence that shows now is really his work from years ago when we first met. We talked about our families, and how they’ve been reacting and what we should do next to comfort them. We talked about what we did on Halloween. There were several times where he teared up and I felt so close to him and like it was the most honest we were being with each other for months. With all the arguments and changes we were dealing with, a lot of walls have formed to protect ourselves from one another, but with this challenge I feel like they have all come crumbling down. We have common goals now. The conversation was raw and it felt incredible that we were able to support each other so much and just do this transition in the way that felt the best to us, and not “by-the-book”, or per others’ expectations. He talked about how he goes back and forth from missing us to remembering the goal. He has no regrets about the decision and it’s already having an effect- which I could see. He felt strong and “free”- and he clarified that this wasn’t free from the relationship, but just really in-tune with his own needs and thoughts, and acting upon them.

After a while of reflections, Joe made us both tea and heavily encouraged me to have an apple sauce. I told him that on the day that he’s feeling sure about his decision, but he’s still hesitating a little, he should visit his old blog “For those not so great days”. I explained that I’d read it recently, and it’s amazing how much his voice sounds like mine now, and that there was a confidence he had that I was lacking at the time, and it’s completely switched now. I told him that we’re so lucky that we’ve been recording our experience because its purpose is to remind us and prove our history, so we can understand why we’re in the position we are today. 

We reached a point where we were circling the same statements, and Joe noted this first. So we started gathering a lot of his things and walked them over to his car. At this point we sort of discussed how long we were expecting to spend together that night. I was really nervous. It felt so good to have him home and to see him again, I just wanted him to stay a few hours. We decided on watching something together on Netflix (Columbo!) and then he would leave afterwards. I felt like he wanted to leave because it’d be easier to not get too involved, but I wanted him to feel safe spending time with me without threat to his goals. 

During the show, we couldn’t help but make body contact. It was nervous, careful movements that happened really slowly. It wasn’t really acknowledged but we knew what it meant, and it was on purpose. I wanted to turn over to my side and hold him tight, play with his hair and feel his warmth, but I didn’t want to hurt him as I knew he’s having a really hard time feeling like this extra time is meddling with his goals. The whole time, I was thinking about moving closer and about how much I wanted a kiss. After all, when he left on Thursday afternoon he only kissed my head, and we were together then. I just wanted a physical closure. About halfway through, I paused the show because I couldn’t contain it anymore- so I just asked him. He got really upset because I think it placed a lot of controversial pressure on him, and while his heart was completely in and watching the show with me felt normal and nice, he knew that it couldn’t be good for us to take it any further, and the thought was hard for him. 

We talked a little about people’s expectations and the rules that we’re not “supposed” to break, and how we should really just do whatever we felt is right. He said he would kiss me before he leaves, but it would be too hard and confusing to do anything else. So when the show finished, he sat beside me and I could tell the kiss was on his mind. I realized, then told him he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to, to which he smiled, leaned in and we kissed a few times. It was the warmest, nicest feeling that brought me so much peace and happiness. I felt like he trusted me- that I wasn’t trying to lure him out of his goal, and that we were doing something just for us, that was hard but completely worth it. He laid back and got a bit sad afterwards, explaining how it really isn’t an easy decision and the kiss felt so nice and comfortable, which makes him question whether the decision was right. I told him that he’s made the right decision and that he just needs to focus on achieving what he set out to achieve. He really liked that. 

I talked a little more about how supportive I am of him and that while at first I didn’t understand if this was necessary, I see now that it is and that it took a lot of courage to see it from that perspective. He seemed to find a lot of comfort in my support, and I was glad about that. I also explained how I feel like we’re like an arch, and while he’s off adventuring and figuring this out, I’m sort of “holding the fort” and keeping that confidence which I hope he will see as a reminder of strength and courage. He chuckled and said something like, “It’s like you’re me.” Sure. Or it’s just the me that you have been unable to see that I am.

That’s something that surprised me- he said that he’s been learning a lot about me because I’m doing things differently than he’d expect. He meant in terms of the reaction to the process and how I’ve been so willing to support him and how we are able to remain such great friends. He said it probably has a lot to do with the past issues- that he thought I was one way but really I was a different way. This brought me comfort, because I feel like he understood me and how I think of him better. He mentioned that he is a little worried about how I was okay with him being so unaffectionate for so long and me having such large consistent passion, but I explained that it’s not that I’m blind to his faults and the things that upsets me. It’s that I value him and the things that I love, understanding that the situation is complicated and not completely because of me. How could I say that I loved him if I couldn’t understand that the reason he was upset was because of a multitude of things? He really agreed with that, and it brought him some relief. 

He has a lot of guilt about the situation, because he regrets a lot of the things that happened before he had completely realized what the situation had become. He mentioned how he regretted getting angry with me, and he regretted our arguments. He feels guilt about the pain that he’s putting me through, and he worries about my well-being as I’m dealing with this process. It made me worry that if it wasn’t for the guilt, there would be no other feelings that hurts him. When I asked him about this he said that there’s a lot of that, but it’s just the stuff that he doesn’t like to mention because it’s hard to think about the things that he misses. It made me feel better to know this because I thought maybe the process was easier for him than for me in terms of letting go of the relationship. 

When he left, we walked to his car and shared a lot of kisses and hugs, as we encouraged each other and said we’d see each other soon. I waved him goodbye and walked back to my apartment. 

It’s surprising to me how much the meeting really helped. I got so much off of my chest that I’d been keeping in my head, and he accepted it with open arms. He shows such  sweet support and consideration for my needs, and it seems that what upsets us the most is thinking about the amount of pain the other person is in. I’m so proud of us and this couldn’t be a better transition and I see now that the process is really going to help. Joe is already changing, reflecting on his behaviors and attitudes and I can tell it was the right choice. 

The last thing that I’d like to write about is my strategy that has been working so well for me in dealing with this. I call it “looking it in the eye”. When my parents asked me to go home for the weekend, I said no, because I wanted to look this apartment in the eye and accept the new space. I didn’t take down the portrait I drew of us, or Joe’s “The Three L’s” poem, and I didn’t move his stuff. I still wear my ring and my necklace. His name is still “Babylove” on my phone. It’s all because I’m not going to pretend that it’s a past that I must run from and forget about. I’m not going to pretend I don’t want to be reminded of the love and friendship we’ve grown. I love this ring and its shape. I love what we’ve done with the apartment. I like working with Joe to move his stuff, not get shocked by absence. I like facing our pain and talking about it directly, sharing the difficulties and our accomplishments. After I told Joe about it, he agreed that it’s been a really nice way of doing things because it makes you feel like there’s nothing to hide, and it helps us support one another. 

I’m so hopeful about us. My strength will give him strength someday.

The Halloween Party

Dear Diary,

Last night, I went with Hanna to her dorm for a “floor-mate Halloween”, “chill & game” type of party. It was really hard to get myself to do it at first because I was nervous and I still haven’t eaten a full meal since Thursday. Hanna had come over after work and brought me some iced tea, bananas, yogurt, and bagels. She is so good to me, and she is so patient as we talk about my feelings about the whole situation, and I listen to her when I notice that it’s upsetting her. I have to keep reminding myself that this is really hard for her too, because she loves us and it’s like a part of her family is in a dilemma. She has such a kind heart and she keeps a fair, open perspective- taking into account both people’s opinions. I feel like she sympathizes with me but also reminds me of a possible truth / reality, which kept me grounded and not letting me get too caught up in my own biased thoughts, making things seem a lot worse than they really are, or too hopeful / unrealistic. 

The party was really perfect because I needed my mind to be occupied. If I settled with myself, sometimes I’d get carried away and sad just because I’d feel lonely- not because of the situation. I find this to be the case consistently. I didn’t drink because I felt it’d probably be a terrible idea on a 2-day-no-eating-streak. Also probably dangerous for my emotions lol. So anyway, everybody was pretty cool, Hanna and I were StarBucks Baristas. There was nothing funny or weird about my costume, and people kept asking me if I really worked there. Another thing that I hoped for which I mentioned in my last journal was just a simple confirmation of my availability, and that was accomplished. There was this really annoying Asian guy named Bryan who was all over me. He brought me heart-shaped chocolates and took my ring off my finger. He wanted to get me food and he kept leaning on me all night. He got really drunk really fast. He had really impressive skills of picking up all the rules from Cheers to the Governor though (we had ~15 rules out of 20!). He was really buff, but a total flirt/douche. Whatever. That was fun. There was another guy named Alex who is 19 and Arab. He was really sly with his flirting. Really cute, and really immature. Again, a little fun. 

So around 2-3 in the morning Hanna and I went to sleep in her dorm. I slept a solid four hours, which is the best that I’d done since. Then, I woke up at 6:30, 7:30, and 8:30. Then I hung out on my phone for a while, woke Hanna up and walked back to the apartment.

Love,

The Day After

Dear Diary,

It’s really hard to describe how I feel, but I need to try to sort it out. I told my family about it all and they were really supportive. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I woke up every single hour of the night. It really sucked that I was sleeping alone. I slept on my side of the bed. The only way I felt better was when I turned away from where his body used to be, because then I didn’t really have to face the fact that he wasn’t there. When I woke up and turned around in the middle of the night, my heart would race so fast and I felt so sick to my stomach. 

I understand why this had to happen, and I want him to be happy. But I miss him, and I love him so much- it hurts to have to let him go and trust that he’ll come back. I’m worried about how much calm it brings me that he’ll come back. I know this relationship is strong, and I believe in it. I feel better when I admit that I’m waiting for him to come back when he’s able to feel what I feel. 

It sucks because I feel like he was the one who taught me it was safe to love again. Not just him, but myself and life in general. He showed me a new kind of love, like when I said “You have my heart” he’d always say “No, we have ours.” I always thought love was about devotion and giving yourself completely to another person, but he taught me that it’s about growing something together, and being something together. He really taught me to see us as different and one single pairing. He promised me that he’d never leave me, because that’s what I was always afraid of. It feels really hard to have to undo the feelings he taught me to some extent, because in order to move on I need to go back to some of my old ways of thinking. It’s really confusing because I feel like I don’t want to move on, and if I did, it’d be a false move as I am truly just waiting for him to come back. 

When I got off the phone with him I was so calm. I haven’t been able to cry for a long period of time since the phone call, mostly because I hear his voice in my head telling me to remember to breathe and that if our love is strong- which I believe it is- he’ll be back. I worry about the little things, like I’m really caught up on the apartment and his things. I worry about if he’ll have sex with someone else because of STI’s, and he’d honestly have to tell me if he’d been with someone else. I can’t imagine sharing my body with anybody right now, and I don’t want to. I feel like my body is safe right now, it’s clean and it belongs to me and him. That’s not the point to any of this, and he was the one who said that. 

I’ve been thinking about just going outside or to a Halloween party just to see if I’m wanted, just so I can feel secure that I don’t have to be alone. I’m not particularly insecure, because I feel like I’m really strong, unique, and I feel beautiful. I know guys notice me. If Joe never comes back to me, I really want someone special who characterizes all the things I loved about him, and then some more. I think about some of my favorite YouTubers and the things I really enjoy watching them for. It makes me feel hopeful, but I worry about the environment that I’m in right now and the people available to me. I know it’s too early to consider, but I worry if my relationship with Joe will interfere with a future relationship. I just keep thinking that I have to keep busy until he comes back. That’s my goal.

I want to travel the world with him, get two really cute dogs, and live in a house that we remodel a lot. I want to decorate it for every month’s theme, and cook lots of food that we love. I want to have ramen dates and play video games, go snorkeling so that he can hold my hand and lead the way. I want to check in on him as he’s endlessly working on his hobbies and find that smudge of oil on the tip of his nose that I love. I want to marry him.

Everyone keeps telling me, even Joe, that I need to figure out who I am without him, and that I may feel lost. But the truth is that I feel that I know who I am, and being without him doesn’t change who I am, it just makes me a sad version of myself who is missing my best friend. I’m still the same person, with the same worries and the same hopes. My personality isn’t dependent upon him. 

I guess I figure that if I feel so strongly about who we are and our potential, he’ll come back because this love just can’t die- it’s really unique and we’re really different. It’s crazy, but it’s a gut feeling I have. Just like Joe’s gut feeling which led him to make this decision for us. I love who we are, I love his family, and I can see this happening. It’s just a part of our story. 

I keep going back and forth between feeling calm and collected, trusting in us and in this chance that we’re taking- and then just feeling lonely and sad that we’re apart. I haven’t been able to eat in two, almost three days. He told me to eat string cheese yesterday, and I tried, but it made me feel sick so I put it back into the fridge after a bite.  I’ve lost motivation to do schoolwork, research work, or work for Mr. Light. I want to say that I feel better just staying in bed but I don’t. I just wish I could fast forward until the day he lets me know that he understands now. I won’t always feel this unmotivated but I have to let myself feel whatever it is that comes my way. 

I’m really happy that we agreed to it respectfully on the phone. I wish he was next to me when it happened, but I appreciate that he didn’t make me wait until Sunday. I know he has a lot of school materials and other essentials at the apartment, so I’m really nervous about when he’s coming back. I don’t mean to change his mind, but I know it’ll be so hard to appear strong and okay- and I won’t pretend I am. I just want to be held by him and cry, talk through some more and really anchor how this is going to work. I want to tell him what I feel too. 

He said that this is an opportunity for us to grow and learn, and that he wants me to be excited and to run with this opportunity. I can’t do that, but I understand what he means. He said it’s unfair if he just asked me to wait. The most terrifying part of this is that I’ve already sort of decided to wait, and while a part of me is worried that he’ll never come back, my heart tells me he will. I wonder how long this process will take. There will be others, but they won’t be us. I understand him, I will support him, and I can love him uniquely. At least I know that if he does come back, it’ll be real and different and we’ll be stronger than ever. 

It seems that the only thing that makes me feel good is just “being”. I can’t watch anything, I can’t eat, I can’t move. I don’t like scrolling through social media stuff, even though it’s mindless. If I just stare off into space I feel the safest, because that’s where I feel the most myself and I can trust my thoughts the most. I trust him and I trust myself. I trust in this relationship and I really feel like we will work it out. It’s just a gut feeling. 

Love,

When We Took a Chance

Dear Diary,

Today, Joe told me that he had made up his mind. In order for him to understand what we have and appreciate it and be able to commit to it, he needed to let me go and experience life without me. He kept saying that he’s doing what’s best for us, because it’s not fair that I’m not getting all of him the way that I am giving myself to him. He feels that I deserve better, and he had a gut feeling that he couldn’t ignore which was telling him that he’s doing something wrong by not committing to me all the way. 

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do- tell the person I love the most in the whole wide world that it’s okay with me. He said that if what we have is so amazing and so solid like we think it is, then this is a chance that we will win. And I believe in us- I believe in him, and I’m not the one doubting my feelings, so I hope he comes back. I will love him forever. 

He said he loves me, and that none of this is my fault- but it has to be done, and that in order to move forward we have to take a few steps back. He said to be excited, to think of this as an opportunity to learn and grow- to challenge ourselves. I said I can’t be excited about this but I understand. The whole time I told him that I understood, that I believe in us, and that I will always love him forever. 

I wanted to make sure I fought for this- and I did. I tried to change his mind, I tried to explain everything from the perspective of my eyes hoping he’d see- but he wouldn’t. He can’t. I think figuring out everything physically, like how he’ll move his stuff out of our apartment, or how I’m going to pay rent- it’s all overwhelming right now. I just can’t wait for him to go, and see how amazing we are- what a great match we were- and for him to come back. He said that I will learn about myself, and find out who I am without him- but I told him that I’m not the one who needs to figure that out. I am sure of who I am, I know who I want. He said he loves me, and I told him too. He said he still wants to play video games with me and I asked to go snorkeling with him. He still wants to be friends. I do too.

He said he wants to talk to my family. I haven’t told them yet, but I’ll let him know when I have. I’m so glad that Hanna is so close to me and that I can still talk to her. I feel terribly about letting his family go.

I kept telling him that it’s the hardest thing to do to be okay with letting the person you  undoubtedly love the most go, and he said that he’s not gone- nothing between us has ended. But I reminded him that he can’t disagree that even though our friendship will remain, the relationship has come to a stop. He agreed. I told him that I’d marry him in the next week if he’d just asked. He said he feels ready to marry, but he needs to do this so that he can be sure. 

I don’t agree with his decision, but I understand it. I can’t force him to be in a relationship when he’s just not as sure as I am, and it would only get worse from here. He needs to see what I see, and feel what I feel, and then he will understand how wonderful we are and that we are really unique, and a beautiful pairing. 

At the very end of the phone call, he helped me sit up, drink water, and he told me to grab some string cheese and find something to watch. Everything seems impossible to do right now, but I followed his instructions. I don’t know how to “be” without him right now, but I feel a weird sense of calm because I feel like he’s going to come back soon. Because I know that this love is real.

He said this is for us. We’re taking a chance for us. He said he really hopes he finds what he’s looking for, and if he’s sure of his next decision- he’ll come and knock my door down, he doesn’t care who I’m with. Because then he’ll know- and everything will be different because then he’ll know. 

I love him so much.

Easygoing or Just Confused?

11/9/15 note to Joe: Here's another one I wrote before the break-up. Same gut feelings and worries existed. Maybe even before you thought of them yourself...

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Dear Diary,

Today, it’s difficult being 22 years old. It’s the first time in a long time that I feel like questioning my identity. It always seems like something really confused, bored people do- to ask the question of “who am I?” or “what do I want?” But here I am, questioning whether I know what I want or who I am.

I realized that I’m a very go-with-the-flow kind of girl. Most of the time, I agree to things and whatever opportunity that comes my way. I find huge relief in passing the decision-making torch to someone else- even when it’s regarding something simple like what we should eat for dinner that night. I used to feel like that was a cool characteristic about myself, but I’ve now come to realize that it’s because I’m simply unsure of what I want, and questioning myself about it is exhausting.

I do worry a lot about other people and how my thoughts and decisions will affect them. I probably think about it way too much (that’s what my friends say to me: that I’m an over thinker. But I don’t see it). Maybe it’s because every decision has such a large impact on the rest of my life, and every decision creates new paths for current relationships and future ones. This may also be the reason that I am afraid of fully evaluating and concluding about my relationship with Joe.

I remember when I was in high school, I e-mailed my counselor once and asked her if she thought that the relationship with Skylyr was unhealthy. I told her that I really didn’t want to, someday in the future, regret the decisions I made because of my teenage blindness. It was kind of weird, because why would teenage me ask someone to evaluate my relationship if I wasn’t comfortable asking them to question it- well, I think that it was just so that I wouldn’t have to. I remember hoping that she would come back and say, “Hale, I have to be honest. Your relationship with Skylyr just doesn’t seem very healthy. You’re sad a lot about it, and it brings you a lot of stress- and although you care about him I’m just not sure how secure the foundation is.” But instead, she ignored the question and asked about the last time I had suicidal thoughts. Looking back now, I feel like what I was looking for was a confirmation from anyone else to make the decision for me- to burn the relationship with an “unhealthy”  stamp so that I could be relieved of my guilt for questioning it and just leave. 

This all leads me to another point, which is that I love to please and follow the rules. I love getting praise because I was able to follow all the rules in the book flawlessly- not just some. And the best thing about my day is when I follow all the rules and then add to them. That’s why I find pleasure in my jobs, or student government- because as long as I do what I’m expected to or told, I will have done a good job- and- I didn’t really have to make any anxiety-causing decisions in the process. It’s all cut out for me. 

That’s why school is easy for me:

“Just write the essay in the format they constructed for you.

Just memorize these flash cards for the exam.

Just turn in these three assignments.”

I’ve noticed that my mom is the same exact way, which makes me feel a little less bad about it. She won’t even give a suggestion as to what movie she’d like to watch. She always reasons with weird behavior instead of speaking up about it: “He’s just having a bad day. That’s not how he normally is. I could yell at him, but this is not him, so why should I bother hurting him?”  See, she also thinks about other people before herself, and is okay suffering the consequences of her indecisiveness. I understand that.

I guess this discussion kind of comes down to the idea that I do not want to make a decision about Joe and I’s relationship. There are unfortunately many aspects of the relationship that I feel are not right by-the-book. There are times when I feel that I am naive for thinking that the things that I don’t like about Joe that he has learned over a long stretch of time and (to be honest) emotional abuse or neglect, will someday disappear when I show enough love or the circumstances are just right. It inconveniences me to make a decision because there would be so many things to weigh and to take into account. We are moving in together starting in September- what about that? We basically have a one-year financial commitment planned. 

I keep thinking that I’ll feel more secure about making the decision, given some circumstance. So for example, I think, “I’ll know so much more about whether or not I want to be with him by the time we’re done having lived together for the first year.” But I’m really not sure if this is true- because my history shows that I will go along until something really awful happens that shows me a true, by-the-book sign that the relationship must end (AKA physical abuse, cheating, drugs/alcohol, etc.).

I guess I’m questioning my happiness and whether I want to live the way that I am: passively. Where do I begin… 

Sigh,

Day One of Journaling

11/9/15 note to Joe: I wrote this a long time before we broke up. But I wanted to show you how I had the same gut feelings that you had a long time ago which I just chose not to act on because I was afraid. I've also decided that I'm going to just put a note if I decided not to include something from the journal entry, either because it's too hurtful, too boring / irrelevant to you, or too personal. 

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Dear Diary,

It’s a really late Saturday night at Lele’s apartment. I’ve been spending way too much time preparing the template so that I could begin journaling digitally like this. I do that a lot- I’m a really weird, conditional perfectionist- sometimes I get really, really picky about something and I’ll focus on it for hours and hours. Usually it’s something absolutely useless. Like I make extravagant excel spreadsheets for random things. I mean they’re logical, and they turn out amazing, but it’s weird how I can’t get myself to stop. Example A, this journal template.

I’ve been really hesitant to keep a digital journal like this for a few reasons. I enjoy physically writing- in a world that is more and more automated and technology-based, it feels really good to sit down with my journal and write.  It feels like home, like a break from a screen. However, it turns out that I’m a really slow writer, and I’ve also got a ton of things I want to say when I write. So by the time I’m done writing a diary entry, I’ve gotten like 3-6 pages in, my hand is aching, and I’m frustrated because I didn’t even get to talk about everything I intended to. Lol. Sometimes I feel like I have so much I need to digest, and when I meet up with my friends I find myself leaking stuff out. I think it makes me look, to a small extent, like a complainer, or as if I’m pretty troubled. I’m not- I’m actually in a really positive and happy state. But it’s like a breath of fresh air just to let my thoughts get bounced off of something… Someone. Sometimes, talking to them about that stuff (mostly Hanna, and once in a blue moon, Jackie) is just a mechanism for hearing myself out, organizing the thoughts.

I’m a little worried about privacy with doing it this way rather than using a site since these entries are going to be sitting in a folder on my desktop. Also, it’d be so nice to be able to tag each journal entry. Tag people I talked about, tag what kind of entry it is. You know, in case I want to read them later. But if I don’t like this I figure I could always transfer the entries over onto a site or whatever. 

The problem with typed entries is that I’m going to get reeeeally carried away. So let me start by focusing on what the heck I even wanted to write about in my new digital journal the first place. First, the current complaints:

[removed # 1-5]

1. Besides school, I’m generally unhappy with my social life. Sometimes, I think I’m too tough on myself about this because I’ve always been a 1-2 friends type of person, and right now Hanna is a really good friend of mine. But Joe says she doesn’t really count because she’s his sister (it’s “too easy”). But Hanna and I really click. We click so well. I get nervous about what I say when I’m around new people, and I end up either overpowering the group, or just feeling really uncomfortable and not courageous. UCLA doesn’t make it easy to join clubs when you live off-campus. The stuff I want to join also has GPA restrictions, so that’s another bummer. 
2. Hasti’s been having so many weird issues this past year. She broke up with Chris after cheating on him, she moved up to NorCal for Berkeley law school, she turned into a full-time alcoholic that disappeared off the face of the earth for like a good couple of months. Apparently drinking so much that she doesn’t remember entire months. Now she’s dating this short Mexican dude named Juan. He’s super lame. She’s super lame. She put a lot of pressure on the family, like always. She’s always loud about her needs. Nothing’s louder than Hasti’s intended silence. Dad was panicking basically. We bonded over the whole situation, I guess. Not really though. I feel like I had to do what I had to do. 
3. Ever since Hasti and I moved out, Mom and Dad’s relationship dynamic has changed. I don’t know what it is, but something about the way Mom talks to and behaves around Dad makes me so mad and uncomfortable. She’s really mean to him a lot of the time, and she says things without thinking about it- and if she’s called out about it- she’ll just laugh it off and stand by her statement because she’s stubborn and doesn’t want to admit fault. I’ve always been mad at my dad for treating her badly due to his alcoholism, but the tables have really turned. He loves her unconditionally and she just abuses it.
4. On the topic of love, I guess I have to complain about Joe too. But future Hale, if you’re reading this, don’t lay heavy weight on any of these bullet points. It’s just a complaint. It sounds a lot worse than it actually is. There’s a positive side to each of these bullet points. I’ll get there. Okay so about Joe. Maybe the reason I get mad at my mom is because my dad loves her unconditionally and I crave that kind of love from my own partner and I fail to get it all the time. And she has it, and she has no idea what it means. I guess she’s taking it for granted. I’ve been trying to communicate to Joe, for YEARS, that I need more intimacy in a way that I could interpret it. I’ve basically come to accept that he’s always going to express himself the way he does- through actions that are on his terms and his logic. He won’t do that kind of stuff Dad does where he goes up to Mom randomly when she’s least expecting it just to give her a hug or kiss. I don’t expect him to compliment me every time I get dressed up. I don’t expect him to call me during finals week, or ask me how he can support me through a stressful time. I don’t expect him to actually write a letter to me as gifts for holidays or birthdays, like I’ve asked him to do for years. I don’t expect him to ask me about the Hasti situation before I have to vent to him about it. I don’t expect him to really be there for me emotionally. I come to him for solutions. And yes, it absolutely sucks because I have a completely different nature. It’s embedded in me to do all of those things for him. So when it’s not returned I feel really unloved, and I have to deal with it all the time. I justify the lack of these things with the small things he does that he gets. I guess I just feel like nobody is perfect but he tries every now and then and we work really well together except for that. It always makes me cry when I write about this stuff because it hurts that he doesn’t get this stuff, and I hate lecturing him about it. I’ve just reached the point of acceptance that he’s a good guy, but emotionally he’s just not the guy, and I make the choice to live with that single exception every day. 
5. Joe and I are thinking about moving in together. I’m nervous about this because of point #8. I wonder if it’ll just shove it in my face. I’m more excited than nervous about the whole ordeal, but I guess I’m just terrified of being disappointed, or something becoming apparent that we didn’t acknowledge before. Joe says he’s just not going to have expectations, and just go into it blind and hope for the best. I don't know how you can do that, really. I wish I could. I have tons of bad thoughts and fears. 

Ten complaints- wow Hale. You do have a lot on your mind. This is exactly what I mean. I wait on journaling because I know it’s going to be long, and then it’s all piled up, I’m super emotional, and bam. I easily reach 10 complaints. I’ve got to do better in the future. Okay. Last complaint… (Future Hale, just so you know in case this changes in the future- you have ALWAYS been really weird about even numbers. From when you were four, you used to touch things in a plus sign pattern, you’d do other things too- always in 4’s. You don’t like odd numbers. There’s no way you could’ve left this at 9 complaints. It makes you itch.) 

Hmm.. Okay.

1. I’m a bit overwhelmed by being an adult. I’m managing my own apartment rent, bills, school costs, etc. I just got a credit card (that I’m waiting on to come in the mail…), and I’m going to be applying to graduate school. If I didn’t have to apply to graduate school to ensure I get a job, I would totally just start working straight after my Bachelor’s. I just don’t like school one bit, really. It’s just a tool to get me to where I need to go. I have to clean the apartment, talk to important people, all that adult jazz. And everyone older than me is always telling me how it’s not going to be any easier from here. Well, thanks dude. I’m really looking forward to it. #wordsofinspiration #thanksbutnothanks

Okay, I’m getting really tired now. It’s already 3:21am. But I can’t just have a list of ten complaints, that’s so depressing. Here are some things that come to mind that make me happy.

1. Last weekend, I was feeling so weird emotionally. I was perfectly fine, having worked on school stuff and work stuff for a couple hours. I was alone all day because Joe was out studying for his finals with classmates. And when he got home and we had relaxed for a bit, I just walked into the bedroom and said, “I don’t know why- I really don’t- but I’m feeling so emotional right now. I’m going to cry and I don’t know why. I was fine just a second ago, I don’t know why I’m so emotional.” This had never happened to me like this before! I honestly didn’t know why! Usually there’s a reason, I’ve been holding it to myself, and seeing someone makes me feel like they can see right through me and then I cry uncontrollably until we talk it through (really mature). And what does Joe do when he sees his irrationally upset girlfriend, after an entire day of hardcore studying? He says, “Are you sure you don’t know why?” (to which I said “Yes, I’m sure, there’s nothing I can think of…”) He was quiet for couple seconds. Then he said, “How about we watch something for a bit? How about that documentary we were watching?” I nodded my head. I felt so loved in that moment, I couldn’t explain it to you at all. I just got into the bed, lay my head on his chest, with tears just uncontrollably streaming down my face at that point, and he just sat there quietly, wiping my tears away every now and then and watched the show with me. And it totally worked. I stopped crying and I felt so much better. It was one of those moments, and he’s had a few of these, where he knew exactly what to do and he loved me in a way that only he can. Ugh, it was amazing. Felt so close to him, and ridiculous for what happened, but so grateful that this was my guy. I chose this guy. And he knows me like nobody else does.
2. I’m surprisingly not bad at cooking honestly and it makes me pretty happy. I make some really bomb food. I like what I eat for the most part. 
3. I’m so excited because for my birthday I got a 3DS XL. I cried when I got it. I play Animal Crossing: New Leaf on it. I take it with me to school and surprisingly I “streetpass” a ton of people every day. Had no idea UCLA students would be such gamers. IT IS AWESOME.
4. I’ve started to embrace my sensitivity, and really- who I am. That’s what moving out has done for me. My whole life I was told not to cry- or really, just to feel anything at all unless it was positive. It was bad to bring up family problems or personal issues. Not directly- no no no, nothing in my family functioned directly. I’ve realized, now that I’m older, that my family looooooved pushing everything under the rug. I was depressed for years, and suicidal, and when I interviewed my dad about the Sweden to California transition he says “we had no problems- no problems at all. The kids did great.” Sure. No problems. I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t hate you. You certainly didn’t pass out every night from drinking too much. I didn’t have to work 24 hours a week in high school, waking up at 5am just to clean up after you so that Mom wouldn’t have to. You and Mom certainly weren’t near divorce at any point. I get so mad about it all because it was so damaging and I can’t believe it took me so long to get to this perspective. I always felt responsible. So now I see my hypersensitivity as a beautiful thing. I really feel with others. If someone cries, I cry. If I need to cry, I don’t try to toughen up and get through the conversation. I let it out. I let myself be vulnerable. I find that I’m more honest with myself and others by doing this.  I don’t think Joe feels too positively about it, he’s almost immune to my tears because Hanna was always a big cryer. He just sees it as an annoying barrier, I think, lol. He just talks right through it, he doesn’t see it as a “Oh shit, she’s really upset. Let me go hug her now.”
5. Okay last thing (by the way- about numbers- you’re okay with 5 because its half of 10. Idk. It’s weird.) I’m in love with my aunts and uncles in Sweden, especially Khale Mergin. I’ve always been in love with her, but especially after visiting in the summer. I’m so in love. She’s just the sweetest, warmest, funniest, most positive person. I wish I could talk to her every night and adopt her as my other mother. But she has so many other “children” lol between all the girl cousins. I wish she would sympathize with me more though. She always defends Hasti, and I don’t think she sees what everyone else sees. I don’t blame her, she barely has any evidence. Not like my professional push-it-under-the-rug parents would tell her anything lol. I also like her because she’s got this upper hand on my dad, like she’s completely aware of his drinking and she’s easy to talk to about it. I think my dad respects her a lot because she allowed him to get married to my mom under the condition that he gets it in order. He’s gotten better lately, but he’s still hella alcoholic. 

Okay, definitely time for me to go to bed now. 3:43am lol. This felt so good!!! (See, now imagine that I tried to handwrite all this jazz!) I’ve got to do this again, and soon! I’m hungry (almost always) Okay, bye!

Love,