Dear Diary,
I texted Joe before the Halloween party and asked him if he had school supplies at the apartment that he needed for the week. He said no, but I suggested that maybe he could come over and grab just a few important things and essentials (toothbrush, suitcase full of clothes, shaving kit, etc.) so that we could have a chance to talk. He suggested that maybe it’d be better if I wasn’t there when he moved all the things into his car, but I told him I’d rather be there and help him do it, so that we can talk before and after. He texted, “Okay that works.”
In the morning when I woke up at Hanna’s dorm, I was really nervous and didn’t know how I was going to react to seeing him. Joe came over tonight at about 4pm. When I opened the door and said hello, he just said “Hey, what’s up” and walked in with some of my things he brought from his dad’s house. I could tell he was trying to be strong and keep it friendly and light. I closed the door and sat on the side of my bed. He said down with me, and when I looked into his eyes I saw the hurt and asked him how he was. He teared up immediately and I did too. I quickly hugged him and I said, “I know this is hard but it’s going to help.” We held each other for a while and I somehow felt that with the hug we came to a physical agreement of acknowledgment of the situation. I started telling him that my intention isn’t to change his mind at all, but I have a lot that I want to say. He nodded and completely opened the floor with a smile: “Yeah, go for it!”
So I started by explaining that throughout this entire process we have to promise to be respectful, honest, vulnerable, and not avoiding or ignoring the discomfort or pain that we’re feeling, which we’re currently excelling at doing. He agreed completely. I had contemplated telling him about what I keep calling the “bringing me calm” thought. Mainly because I didn’t want it to scare him or cause any pressure, and also because I didn’t want him to take me for granted because I have these thoughts. I prefaced it all and admitted that telling him about it puts me at a vulnerable spot, to which he slightly worriedly asked if I’d like to wait until later to tell him. I said no, because I really hope that sharing it will do more good for him than bad for me. So I explained how the way that I’ve been able to keep so calm and find inner peace is by listening to my gut feeling about the strength and prevalence of our relationship. It’s a scary thing to say to someone, because it takes a great deal of respect to see through the “okay, so she’s going to wait for me, I have her as a backup” and really understand what that sort of confidence means towards the relationship’s foundation, and what incredible factors existed to create it. I really hoped he’d understand it the right way, and it seemed that he really did. I was so relieved, but I remembered that it was what I expected and that’s why I wanted to tell him. I talked about how the “gut feeling” he had about making this decision is the same type of “gut feeling” I have about how strong this relationship is. I told him that when I feel loneliness, I remind myself to just trust the process and trust in this relationship, and it always works.
The whole conversation went on for a long while, and I covered things like how he was the one that taught me to love differently and the confidence that shows now is really his work from years ago when we first met. We talked about our families, and how they’ve been reacting and what we should do next to comfort them. We talked about what we did on Halloween. There were several times where he teared up and I felt so close to him and like it was the most honest we were being with each other for months. With all the arguments and changes we were dealing with, a lot of walls have formed to protect ourselves from one another, but with this challenge I feel like they have all come crumbling down. We have common goals now. The conversation was raw and it felt incredible that we were able to support each other so much and just do this transition in the way that felt the best to us, and not “by-the-book”, or per others’ expectations. He talked about how he goes back and forth from missing us to remembering the goal. He has no regrets about the decision and it’s already having an effect- which I could see. He felt strong and “free”- and he clarified that this wasn’t free from the relationship, but just really in-tune with his own needs and thoughts, and acting upon them.
After a while of reflections, Joe made us both tea and heavily encouraged me to have an apple sauce. I told him that on the day that he’s feeling sure about his decision, but he’s still hesitating a little, he should visit his old blog “For those not so great days”. I explained that I’d read it recently, and it’s amazing how much his voice sounds like mine now, and that there was a confidence he had that I was lacking at the time, and it’s completely switched now. I told him that we’re so lucky that we’ve been recording our experience because its purpose is to remind us and prove our history, so we can understand why we’re in the position we are today.
We reached a point where we were circling the same statements, and Joe noted this first. So we started gathering a lot of his things and walked them over to his car. At this point we sort of discussed how long we were expecting to spend together that night. I was really nervous. It felt so good to have him home and to see him again, I just wanted him to stay a few hours. We decided on watching something together on Netflix (Columbo!) and then he would leave afterwards. I felt like he wanted to leave because it’d be easier to not get too involved, but I wanted him to feel safe spending time with me without threat to his goals.
During the show, we couldn’t help but make body contact. It was nervous, careful movements that happened really slowly. It wasn’t really acknowledged but we knew what it meant, and it was on purpose. I wanted to turn over to my side and hold him tight, play with his hair and feel his warmth, but I didn’t want to hurt him as I knew he’s having a really hard time feeling like this extra time is meddling with his goals. The whole time, I was thinking about moving closer and about how much I wanted a kiss. After all, when he left on Thursday afternoon he only kissed my head, and we were together then. I just wanted a physical closure. About halfway through, I paused the show because I couldn’t contain it anymore- so I just asked him. He got really upset because I think it placed a lot of controversial pressure on him, and while his heart was completely in and watching the show with me felt normal and nice, he knew that it couldn’t be good for us to take it any further, and the thought was hard for him.
We talked a little about people’s expectations and the rules that we’re not “supposed” to break, and how we should really just do whatever we felt is right. He said he would kiss me before he leaves, but it would be too hard and confusing to do anything else. So when the show finished, he sat beside me and I could tell the kiss was on his mind. I realized, then told him he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to, to which he smiled, leaned in and we kissed a few times. It was the warmest, nicest feeling that brought me so much peace and happiness. I felt like he trusted me- that I wasn’t trying to lure him out of his goal, and that we were doing something just for us, that was hard but completely worth it. He laid back and got a bit sad afterwards, explaining how it really isn’t an easy decision and the kiss felt so nice and comfortable, which makes him question whether the decision was right. I told him that he’s made the right decision and that he just needs to focus on achieving what he set out to achieve. He really liked that.
I talked a little more about how supportive I am of him and that while at first I didn’t understand if this was necessary, I see now that it is and that it took a lot of courage to see it from that perspective. He seemed to find a lot of comfort in my support, and I was glad about that. I also explained how I feel like we’re like an arch, and while he’s off adventuring and figuring this out, I’m sort of “holding the fort” and keeping that confidence which I hope he will see as a reminder of strength and courage. He chuckled and said something like, “It’s like you’re me.” Sure. Or it’s just the me that you have been unable to see that I am.
That’s something that surprised me- he said that he’s been learning a lot about me because I’m doing things differently than he’d expect. He meant in terms of the reaction to the process and how I’ve been so willing to support him and how we are able to remain such great friends. He said it probably has a lot to do with the past issues- that he thought I was one way but really I was a different way. This brought me comfort, because I feel like he understood me and how I think of him better. He mentioned that he is a little worried about how I was okay with him being so unaffectionate for so long and me having such large consistent passion, but I explained that it’s not that I’m blind to his faults and the things that upsets me. It’s that I value him and the things that I love, understanding that the situation is complicated and not completely because of me. How could I say that I loved him if I couldn’t understand that the reason he was upset was because of a multitude of things? He really agreed with that, and it brought him some relief.
He has a lot of guilt about the situation, because he regrets a lot of the things that happened before he had completely realized what the situation had become. He mentioned how he regretted getting angry with me, and he regretted our arguments. He feels guilt about the pain that he’s putting me through, and he worries about my well-being as I’m dealing with this process. It made me worry that if it wasn’t for the guilt, there would be no other feelings that hurts him. When I asked him about this he said that there’s a lot of that, but it’s just the stuff that he doesn’t like to mention because it’s hard to think about the things that he misses. It made me feel better to know this because I thought maybe the process was easier for him than for me in terms of letting go of the relationship.
When he left, we walked to his car and shared a lot of kisses and hugs, as we encouraged each other and said we’d see each other soon. I waved him goodbye and walked back to my apartment.
It’s surprising to me how much the meeting really helped. I got so much off of my chest that I’d been keeping in my head, and he accepted it with open arms. He shows such sweet support and consideration for my needs, and it seems that what upsets us the most is thinking about the amount of pain the other person is in. I’m so proud of us and this couldn’t be a better transition and I see now that the process is really going to help. Joe is already changing, reflecting on his behaviors and attitudes and I can tell it was the right choice.
The last thing that I’d like to write about is my strategy that has been working so well for me in dealing with this. I call it “looking it in the eye”. When my parents asked me to go home for the weekend, I said no, because I wanted to look this apartment in the eye and accept the new space. I didn’t take down the portrait I drew of us, or Joe’s “The Three L’s” poem, and I didn’t move his stuff. I still wear my ring and my necklace. His name is still “Babylove” on my phone. It’s all because I’m not going to pretend that it’s a past that I must run from and forget about. I’m not going to pretend I don’t want to be reminded of the love and friendship we’ve grown. I love this ring and its shape. I love what we’ve done with the apartment. I like working with Joe to move his stuff, not get shocked by absence. I like facing our pain and talking about it directly, sharing the difficulties and our accomplishments. After I told Joe about it, he agreed that it’s been a really nice way of doing things because it makes you feel like there’s nothing to hide, and it helps us support one another.
I’m so hopeful about us. My strength will give him strength someday.
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