I Didn't Know What to Do

I didn't know what to do
I was in shock
I watched you peel us down to the bone
I offered everything, anything- the dimmest light
You suffocated every glimpse

I didn't know what to do
I didn't want to believe my eyes
Everything I knew was slipping
Shattering
It was slow, it stung in every pore of my body
Too slow
I held on so tight but I only felt vapors between my fingers

I didn't know what to do
I just tried to show you I can support
I can love
There is always love
I will always love
I was being brave for us

I didn't know what to do
When my love broke every promise
When my love needed me to understand

I didn't know what to do
When I had dreams every night for a week
Torturing me
Keeping me humble
How dare I think I could've moved on

I didn't know what to do
When my body felt so much pain
Beyond three in the morning
Urging to call him
I wouldn't know what to say
I miss you
Nothing is as it should be
These songs remind me of everything I believed in
I don't know who I am without you
I don't want to be who I am without you

I didn't know what to do
When he told me that he was disappointed
Because he's never seen me as happy
as when I was with you
He told me he doesn't think he could ever
Be you
You

I didn't know what to do
When I woke up
Thinking of you
And his body was next to mine
I put my fingers through his hair
And I felt you

I didn't know what to do
My body felt numb
Limp
Dead
Whose body is this anyway

I didn't know what to do
Am I supposed to call
To fight
Is this my fault
How do I see in color
When will anything feel real

I don't know what to do.

About Jumping In and Feeling Vulnerable

March 16, 2016 at 3:12 PM

Dear Diary,

I think things have been a bit rocky for me since the last time that I saw Joe. He came by on Thursday, March 10th. The interaction felt awful. He didn’t really look at me, didn’t hug me, didn’t talk to me. It felt cold, like a ghost walking through the house. He picked up the last  of his things- I kept a couple things for my own sanity- but he took mostly everything. There isn’t much holding us together anymore. He even turned in his keys and his permit. 

I texted him after he left, because I just didn’t feel right about it. He never replied to my last message and it honestly really hurt my feelings a lot because it was the first time that I was being vulnerable with him and telling him that it was hard to see him. I can’t help but feel like it’s a power dynamic issue- that he just enjoys having the upper hand- because the way that he doesn’t reply has been a consistent behavior, so it’s safe to say it’s not accidental. 

I’ve been feeling very conflicted lately and it’s caused a kind of general down feeling that eats at me. It happens whenever I see a guy I’m dating be really into me. When I see them emotionally or physically investing, I find myself completely overcome with guilt. Mostly, I feel really insecure and vulnerable. A lot of the time, I feel like they’re blind, and it’s only a matter of time until they find those uncompromisable flaws, or get bored, or find someone better and leave me. I feel almost bad for them when they catch feelings for me- I’m kind of unstable emotionally, I’m really needy, I’m indecisive and anxious, and I’m not generally strong-minded. Like yes, I realize that I’m educated, kind, creative, genuine, cute, and I have an interesting story to tell. But it doesn’t seem to carry people through. I feel vulnerable whenever I tell them anything beyond the facts. I’m happy and completely at ease talking about my break up, exes, and whatever difficult past stories. But as soon as it breaks down into me telling someone what I think of them, or how I feel towards them, I get really scared and I feel the most vulnerable. I think it has something to do with the hurt I experienced with Joe, always having a one-sided emotional investment. It was always so painful to have to work so incredibly hard to get him to say such simple things. I don’t think it was normal to crave words from my boyfriend. I didn’t want much, just… A compliment. A reminder of his love. Something to make me feel unique and special. A little encouragement on my goals. A little time investment. I remember I would cry when he would give me any of these things, because it was so rare and it was like a little bit of a reward for all the effort I’d put in up to that point. That’s not normal or fair. 

I think being in that type of relationship was more hurtful than I had expected it to be, and it wasn’t visible to me until I consider getting into another one. I find that I don’t believe it when other guys tell me the things I wanted to hear from Joe. I know I don’t believe they have real feelings that will last. I also find that I freeze up if I make small attempts at being vulnerable and don’t get reciprocated- like the time when I told L that I missed him for the first time and he didn’t say anything about it for a couple hours. I felt dumb- like “There I go again, putting other people’s egos and happiness before mine. He’s just gonna steal that little bit of kindness I gave him and use it against me, or as reason to not try anymore.” I feel like people will advantage of my love- use it to build themselves up and not return it, because they know it will infinitely come. Through my love, Joe built character, confidence, he reached his goals and more, he repaired and maintained relationships, he was motivated and he formed a perfect foundation to take on any opportunities that came his way. Through Joe’s love, I built character and strength- but that’s about all. I had his company, too, but I thrived off of his happiness. 

“And if I believe you, will that make it stop? / If I told you I need you, is that what you want?” 

I can’t imagine telling another person that I need them. I don’t know if I’d want to do that because I’m not sure it’s good to need any other person besides yourself- but beyond that- handing them that power makes me feel so absolutely terrified. I guess that’s the main theme here, it’s that I’m really scared and I don’t feel ready to engage with people, and there’s an overarching guilt that occurs from others doing that for me. 

This is the first time I’ve written this long (it’s 5:31pm now) and feel very unaccomplished. Writing was such a task today, I couldn’t put my finger on what it is that I’m feeling.

Will I ever feel ready or do I just have to jump in? 

Feels like a Dream

Hey.

It just feels like as if you were never there at all. Like ever. It's as if I dreamt about you. I don't know if it's me who's done that to myself. I've found that I am afraid that I'll never trust to love anyone the way that I wanted to love you. 

I've held back from calling you for a whole two weeks. I don't really know what I would say, other than that I miss some form of you and us, but that's not what I want to say. I would much rather you say that. 

I rearranged stuff in the apartment again hoping it'd make the space feel a little different, but it just exaggerated the thought of us as being some made-up dream, because now the space sort of doesn't feel real either. 

I'm kind of angry with you that you left me when we had a contract to the apartment, because I knew I wouldn't have been able to afford it without you, but we made the plan to live together to work around the financial aid decreases. Of course I wouldn't have wanted you to stay, but I'm under so much stress trying to tie it together every month. I have three jobs now. Three. 

None of these boys fulfill me. I'm not sure if you could either. I honestly don't remember who you are. 

I just poured my heart out  

there's bits of it on the floor 

And I take what's left of it 

and rinse it under cold water 

And call him up for more  

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely 

And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me 

And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too 

He said I'm sorry 

so sorry 

I'm sorry 

so sorry 

He grabs my wrist 

as my fingers turn into angry fists 

and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you 

I'll play the part

Feeling empty,

I Don’t Understand What the Hell’s Going On

Dear Diary (really Joe in this one),

Hey. Some things are kind of weird for me right now and I thought this would help. Last time I saw you, which was on the 14th, it got me pretty messed up. When I saw you, I was angry and at the same time I felt absolutely nothing. It was really weird. When you left, I drank a whole bottle of wine and talked to this guy on the phone until I passed out. I’ve never drank over you and I’m not going to, cuz it sucked and was dumb. I honestly have been feeling bad that I couldn’t engage with you when I saw you- I didn’t ask how you were doing because I didn’t want to know. No answer you would have given me would have made any difference.

I’ve been having this thought lately and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think about you all the time any more, mostly because I don’t want to. Thinking about you and what happened to us hurts me a lot, so I mostly shut it out and think about how it was good for you and that I hope you’re happy now. 

Guys are treating me like an absolute treasure, like a princess. They give me attention, give me things, cuddle me, kiss me, take me places, and they tell me the sweetest, kindest things that I’ve ever heard. They feel a lot, and when I tell them I want to keep exploring and don’t want to move forward, they’ve all said they understand and will be patient in case it works. But I never go back, really. It’s really weird, I just don’t feel anything in return. Or if I do, it only lasts a couple of weeks. I just feel like they’re not my home- and I don’t think you are either anymore- but they just don’t feel right. 

I feel as if I’m kind of broken, like I’m incapable of falling in love or something. There’s this guy right now who I should want and really care about- he’s got an incredible list of qualifications, he treats me like a doll, he’s gorgeous, adventurous, 6’5”, intelligent and pretty funny. He excites me and surprises me, makes me feel really special. I came home at 6:30am after a date with him last night, and it struck me how the most incredible date in my life still didn’t make me have feelings for him that I feel should’ve been there. Is this your fault?

I have a hard time getting up in the morning- nothing excites me enough. I go out so much, I’ve made new friends, and it’s so much fun while I’m out there but I come home feeling empty. Sometimes I look around the place and just picture you being in it.

I haven’t cried for so freaking long about you but I just started. I miss calling you bebeh, and the stupid voices we’d make that only you and I thought were funny. I miss the days in high school when you were really in love with me. You thought I was so special when I didn’t see anything at all. You taught me to see it, but after we broke up it was gone again. Everyone tells me I’m special now, and I feel so useless. I feel ugly, stupid, boring, gross, unusual, and generally a nuisance. It’s scary that you knew every little detail about me and then left, it makes me feel like all that I had to offer wasn’t good enough, and isn’t good enough for other people. I feel insecure and unsure of myself- really fragile and afraid to be left or judged. 

I don’t know if I miss you, or if I would want you back if I had the chance. That’s not what this is about… It’s just as if a part of myself has completely died, and the other half that’s left just isn’t the strongest end. 

Hanna and Alex broke up and it’s been really hard on me trying to support them both. I was doing really well, but talking to them about everything brings back so many emotions that I think I’ve just been keeping out of sight. I don’t think about how I feel about you, or the relationship. I don’t think about my progress or my state in the loss. I’m theoretically happy, because I do all the right things and my life is so full of people and activities, goals and hobbies that I love. But it’s like no matter how much effort I put forward to get myself to a better place, and I have (I generally don’t feel anything towards the relationship at all, I feel neutrally happy), it just is never enough to make me feel whole. To feel completely satisfied. Everything is such a big effort now- I do things because it’s good for me, because they’re my goals and because I care about the people I’m surrounding myself with. 

What the fuck, man. I just thought about calling you and just telling you all these things. Dangerous, stupid thoughts. You’re just not who I keep trying to convince myself you are- you don’t feel the way you do, you don’t love me anymore. You’re someone so new now.

I guess it’s that I know what it feels like to be loved by you when it’s real, and that’s the kind of love that I haven’t been able to find anywhere else, even since we lost it ourselves midway through. That’s home. Those looks you gave me and the words you said to bring me comfort- that was home. And that home burned so fast, it wasn’t there for a long time… It was like I found the dragon, or the unicorn, or the highest point of the mountain- whatever you want to call it, and the rest of the relationship I was just seeking that same high. I dedicated all my time and effort to get that high from you again… Of course it never came. 

I ran across a recording of you singing “If I’m James Dean You’re Audrey Hepburn” and it was really hard to just close it out. This is really, really, scary to write about because it’s all in my head. But it’s real, and I think I need to see it typed out on this screen so that I take it seriously in case it gets worse. But sometimes, I just think about dying. Not killing myself, but just... being gone. And I think about the people and what they’d say, and for some fucked up reason this brings me strength and makes me hopeful that I’m a special person, because when I picture myself gone, I see that people cared a lot and that I was really special, and there were a lot of regrets with everyone. 

Nobody gets me. Not even you- I was a tailored version of myself that I seriously didn’t like when I was around you. But you were pretty close to understanding. But as close as you were, it didn’t bring me comfort anyway, because you honestly didn’t like the whole me so it was embarrassing and punishing to truly be myself. 

Will it always be like this? It’s insane, because I feel like I’m finally over the break up- day to day, it doesn’t affect me- I don’t think about it. I don’t feel sad. I don’t cry until I write or I’m in the therapy room… I wonder if that’s what it’s gonna be like from now on. Just tolerable nothingness as you pretend to go about all your important goals, always feeling an incurable, torturing emptiness that devalues everything and everyone you encounter. 

I don’t know what my mind or body wants. I don’t crave touch or attention. I don’t really want to talk to you at all. I don’t want to see you. I just want to feel at peace, I guess…

Am I seriously still grieving? Why? I wish I could feel the way I think you’re feeling. Relief?

Come Down From Your Tower

:(

A Goodbye, Maybe

Dear Diary Joe,

I don’t have much to say to you anymore, I guess. I don’t feel like writing to you. So I guess in some sense this is a goodbye unless something changes from here on out. It’s really weird how it’s all happened- I feel nothing really. I don’t miss you unless I really get myself thinking about it, or if I have a dream about you. It only lasts a couple hours. I don’t want to check your Instagram or Snapchats anymore. It took getting away from you for a month to be able to see how unfairly I was treated and how happy I could be without you.

Sucks to say it, but you were mean to me. You made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. I was always trying to please you, shape my every move to satisfy your needs. You didn’t let me be me, really. You were trying to shape me into who you wanted to date, yelling at me every time it didn't work. Of course there were good times- I laughed hard around you, and I love the silly voices we’d make or calling each other “bebeh.” But it’s as if it’s all gone now, it stands as a cloudy remnant of my history, and all I can see now is your hard face looking down at me. I don’t think about you all day anymore. 

I’m seeing someone new, and he’s kind and softer. I don’t have to teach him what not to say and why that is. He’s conscious. He wanted to add, “It's not so important what we do, than who we are.” He finds the stuff I do and say valuable- the same stuff that you told me was a waste of time because it didn’t do anything for you. I always feared embracing my simplicity because it’d bore you- and it was never my fault for not being who you wanted me to be. I’ve learned a lot about myself, including that I’m extremely positive and a ruthless fighter against my own tendencies. Not a lot around me is going well for others, and somehow I’ve become the center strength for them all even though I’m at a low point. 

I’ve decided to let you go entirely, until another day if you make the call that you want to talk. I’ll think about it then. I’m the same person and all, nothing’s changed, but I just don’t think, from what I learned from you in six years, that you’re the kind of person that can embrace another person’s life and needs and make it a part of your own. I wanted us to have a life together, but your vision was cluttered with your own contracts, and I was simply an interference in your process.

It’s unfortunate that I’m happy now, but I am- in new ways. It’s a more honest happiness. I’m just a really determined, sure-of-myself person, which has really come to surprise me as all I’ve been telling myself is that I can’t make a single decision about anything. But it’s true- I’m rational as hell, strong and clear headed.

I honestly don’t know what to say. Wonder what you’re thinking I guess. Maybe you have no regrets and are happy too.  I’m not holding on to anything- if you looked back you wouldn’t see anyone anymore. 

Love you loads,

Doing Life and not Living It

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. There’s a lot going on and at the same time not very much has changed. I came home for the Thanksgiving holiday, which has been really nice as the family time has been valuable and assuring. But it’s also been really stressful because I can barely find time for myself. I always have to tend to everyone’s needs even if they don’t ask for anything- I can’t really just “be”. I feel disengaged from myself.

I feel like I’m doing fine. I don’t feel sad in every moment, I feel focused and I’m proud of where I’m able to be given all the crap I’ve been through. I’m really active about this process- I step out of my comfort zones, I don’t give in to my first, anxious instincts. I try new things, and I’m meeting new people almost every day. But I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing, I just know it feels fine for the moment. 

Last night, the guy I’ve been talking to told me a pretty big secret. I didn’t know how to feel about it, but I’m generally pretty open and accepting so I told him the honesty was appreciated and I’m willing to listen. That’s his second red flag that’s making me want to back off, but for some reason I’m not. He also told me that he’s been into me- not just in these last few weeks we’ve been talking, but since high school when we met. I really like how he is, but I feel so much pressure to conform to his lifestyle. It’s almost a type of ideal, a very conscious way of living but I guess my resistance shows that I care a bit more for my own needs and comforts more than the world or other beings. I feel like I’m a person of moderation- in diet, in activities, in achievements and goals. I don’t know, it worries me. I don’t know if he cares about it as much as I do, but I feel the pressure building because I know that if it were Joe, he’d pass anger towards me if I didn’t participate in his lifestyle. I don’t know what to do about this guy, I’m into the idea of him but I don’t want to and I don’t think I can support him. He seems like he’s just starting to figure some things out, I’m not sure that he’s ready to date. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I also worry that I rely on him too much- I send him pictures of things I see in my day, and text him whenever I think of him. It makes me happy to share bits and pieces, I feel like someone cares about what I’m up to. He said he enjoys it, but I’m not sure if it’s good for me. I guess I’m intimidated by him, or maybe feeling like my lifestyle is flawed, which are not fair or good feelings to have right now.  

Last night I was laying in bed ready for sleep when Hasti said she wanted to go out with Lynn. We went. It was nuts, as most nights with Hasti are. We got home around 5am. Then I talked to the guy until 6am, fell asleep around 6:30am. When I woke up at 10:30, Dad said that Joe and Hanna were on their way over. I didn’t know what to think or do. The night before, Joe’d asked me about a convenient time to come drop off something for Mom, but I’d told him just to hand it to Hanna. Joe’s been really annoying about texting- he’ll text me, and after I text him back he won’t reply. I can’t help but wonder if it’s his way of maintaining power or keeping me on the edge of the seat. It’s fucked up, I wish he’d stop. 

Anyway, when they did come, I really didn’t handle it ideally. Hasti says it played out worse in my head than it actually did, but I’m worried that isn’t true. I was wearing a cropped turtleneck sweater with a pair of sweatpants, and last night’s makeup. Joe said that I looked different when he saw me. I didn’t really talk to him very much when he was there- I asked him about Jamie’s concert. His voice sounded really hoarse. I felt really uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to talk about, so I over-talked. It was just a really weird dynamic, Hanna and Joe sitting on one couch, and my Dad and I on another. Hasti came out later. I found myself mostly worried about Hanna, because I didn’t know how to relax enough to make her feel comfortable and show her that I’m relatively in control of my emotions and the situation. I texted her “Hey, I'm sorry about earlier, it was really hard for me. I'm trying to be genuine about how I feel 100% of the time but it was just really hard to know what to do and how to feel in that situation. I feel like you might've gotten a bad feeling/impression from me and how I'm handling things”, but she never replied, which has given me incredible anxiety. Was it really that bad? I wasn’t mean to anyone, I was just clearly stressed and uncomfortable… I wonder what’s going on, I feel like she’d normally just tell me, even if she felt like it wasn’t cool. It makes me so sad. I really, really hope she’ll talk to me and tell me if I’ve hurt her feelings. 

As soon as they left, I uncontrollably cried, and Dad initiated a group hug. All these emotions of embarrassment and realization of how tough it really was for me just crashed like a huge wave. I just kept repeating that “he’s so dumb”. Just being in Irvine has been tough- driving by Turtle Rock, Uni, or Harbor on the 405. The rest of the day just wasn’t normal at all. I was completely rocked, I couldn’t shake the sadness. I don’t know if part of it is all the time that I’m spending with Hasti. She’s really emotional and borderline irrational about her guy problems, and I wonder if she’s making me have similar thoughts. When I looked at Joe’s snapchats, I got kinda annoyed because he’s really cute lol. He’s like really figuring out his looks, getting into clothes and all that. He’s looking a bit more like a man. He’s so dumb though. Honestly! I’m not the kind of girl you risk putting back into the market. Literally every guy I’ve ever talked to is into me, even ones that said or seemed like they were over it. Every guy seems to be testing boundaries now. 

Still feel like I’m doing life and not living it at the moment. Don’t know how to really feel. Just taking it one day at a time, moment by moment really. 

Goodnight,