Just Another Dream

I just had a dream that both joe and Luka were at my birthday party. At the end of the night, I was reading cards and opening presents and joe gave me a hug and sat next to me and he was touching my hand under the table. I saw a card from Luka that said "sincerely, your boyfriend" on the bottom, I saw that joe saw it too. I asked joe if he had written me anything, to which he said no (I think this was a subconscious reality check to remind me he wouldn't put in effort). Then, joe got all flustered and went outside. I went after him, leaving Luka behind, and I was running after joe who I could hear was crying. It's weird, I've only heard joe cry like a few times but it was spot on in the dream. When we sat down he started apologizing and trying to find some words to explain, and I started crying too and I said, all I ever wanted to do was love you. And then he kissed me, and it felt like no big deal. I think in some way or another he said he wanted to be together again.

I thought Luka had seen me run after him, but then Luka texted me saying he left to go to a club and he left some things behind and that I shouldn't do anything weird with someone hot, just jokingly. I don't think he knew I was with joe. I was overcome with this feeling of having cheated, even though Luka and I weren't actually together. I was just feeling so bad about everyone involved but I was ultimately happy it happened.

And then I woke up in a pool of sweat.

Life is so Coincidental

**Note: this post is weird and short handed because I kept having to come in and out of writing it. My thoughts appear incomplete and sound lightweight, but there was a lot more to discuss.

September 11, 2016 at 11:25 AM

About the break up:

On Wednesday, I broke up with Luka after I found out something awful that he’d done to me. I generally feel fine about what happened to me, but I’m mostly upset about how he handled it and the things that he said. He tried to guilt me about it, place blame on the alcohol, and invalidate what happened. I’m really sad that he doesn’t understand the severity and wrongness of what happened, because I realize that many other people are probably just as unaware. I had guilt over what happened only because I’ve chosen to not report it to the authorities, so I feel like it’s my responsibility now to make sure that he doesn’t do it to anyone else. At the same time, I’m not making it my responsibility to teach him anything. So, I compromised and told his brother everything that happened and explained that my goal is for Luka to make a long lasting permanent change in perspective. I don’t want to ruin his life.

I slept at his apartment that night. I was really confused and I didn’t know what to do. We were supposed to drive up together to Hasti’s Thursday night. I didn’t have a car or any friends except Alex in the area, who I had been keeping in touch with the entire time. In the morning, I decided to buy a bus ticket (with Megabus, the one that we used together that one time). He insisted on driving me to the Union Station, and that’s where we said goodbye. I mostly miss his company and the friendship. 

About the phone call:

I texted you happy birthday. I debated not doing it, because I remembered that you forgot to text me on mine. To my surprise, you called me. The thing about it is that it’s so weird- if you had called any other day I wouldn’t have been able to pick up. You haven’t called me in a ridiculous amount of months, and I’ve wanted to but I haven’t either. It was awkward I guess. Hasti would say that it’s because we weren’t talking about what we really wanted to talk about. You mentioned you’re with a tight knit group, and that someone brought a bunch of Xanax to the party you were at. I wasn’t sure if you had any or not and what my opinion about it is. After talking to you I felt pretty empty. I think the reality hit me that maybe you’re not someone I really wanna be with, cuz I realize I would have to make so many exceptions. It’s just so strange to me that you happened to call, it was so perfectly timed.

Anyway…

About the Email

Hey,

So after that blog post I sent you an e-mail. I couldn't hold back. I wanted to call you but I was afraid of sounding stupid or upsetting you. I just feel like too much silence has passed and I wanted you to know that our door is always open, that you can trust me and you can talk to me about anything, anytime. 

I'm such a mess, Joey. 

Hale Ahangi:

I'm on the verge of calling joe 

I don't know what I want to say

Alex:

Hoe dont do it

Why are you calling him..

Hale Ahangi:

I just feel like I have to 

Alex:

Why..

If you dont know what to say why do you have to call him?

Hale Ahangi:

Because I'm miserable. 

I just feel like we both need to talk to each other 

Like he's probably afraid to because of Luka 

And I don't want to because he's the one who left 

So I'm supposed to let him go 

I've been wanting to call him basically since it happened and I haven't because I thought he would by now but now I think I've created a reason for him not to

I just want to say hi and ask him if he's okay, and that I miss him

Alex:

And talking to him is going to make you not miserable?

Hale Ahangi:

Maybe 

Maybe if I can just get some confirmation that he still feels too, even if it's not good news 

Just to know its not all in my own head 

Alex:

Youre coming up with excuses at to why he hasnt called you but you and luka havent really been public for very long

Its been a looong time since you broke up

Almost going on a yesr

Year

And he never called

Probably cuz hes respecting you and your wishes though

Hale Ahangi:

It's just that it sounded like he wanted to reconnect when I talked to Britney last 

And I tried to hang out and he never replied the closer we got to it happening 

I just want him to say something, anything 

Alex:

Well he hasnt

And i mean personally that seems like hes saying something right therr

There

But if you want to call him go ahead

Hale Ahangi:

:( I don't know what to do 

Alex:

What do you want

Hale Ahangi:

i’ve decided to email him instead

Alex:

That sounds good

Hale Ahangi:

i didn’t even read it over i just sent it

I wouldn't share what you say Joe. I just want to know how you feel. It's private and it's our own world, I don't want you to feel scared of that :( (or to have forgotten it).

I've been Avoiding Writing, But I'm Always Thinking of You

Baby,

This is what I've been singing tonight, with tears in my eyes and a stupid quaky voice that doesn't stay on pitch the way you would've wanted me to be able to. I tried to record myself singing it but it was just weird and stupid.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand
So tall just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me... And all over me

I'm so sorry that still I love you because it hurts us both.

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I make do, I'm doing life and all- but I miss you every single day. I dream about you every time I close my eyes- even for naps. Sometimes I wake up and the very first thought in my head is, "I wonder what bebeh is up to today. I love him." until it hits me in the heart that things are not the way they used to be. Sometimes it seems routine to wake up, cry silently about my dreams, and get up and on with my day.

I feel guilty about the way that I feel- like I'm supposed to know better and to do better for myself and have moved on by now. I'm with someone new- I have been for a long time. And it's good, it should be everything because it's so much more perfect by the book, but it's not.

If all of this reads crazy to you, know that it does for me too. I haven't written since June because I've been thinking that if I can just make a conscious effort to stop encouraging myself to review and to think it over, it'll get easier. I tell myself, "He doesn't care about you. He's somebody new now. Why are you hurting yourself?" And here I am writing words that I just didn't think would exist anymore. Love you? YOU?

There exists nothing in the world that pains me more.

I wanted to write here after I moved out of the apartment. It was awful, Joey. I'd never felt so alone. Moving back into my parents house made me feel like I'd failed- remember when I told you I never wanted that to happen the way my sister had moved back home? But I also knew that I needed to lay and sulk, and I needed to be somewhere that could support me and give me the laziest space I needed in order to feel. They don't know. Nobody knows.

I have still to experience a single day where you don't cross my mind. Not. One. Day.

It makes me review everything I knew about myself. What does it mean that I can't get over him. What does it say about me that I love him so much, that I feel unhappy without him. Has it been a mistake to grow so dependent and grown so far into another person?

I am incredibly fragile, I don't believe in anything that I used to anymore. I don't know about marriage. Remember when we used to say that "as long as each person in the relationship wants it to work they CAN." I literally can't get myself to trust another person to do what you did to me. I'm so sorry I have to write it like that, Joey. It's just that I've never been so shocked in my entire life. I put everything I ever had into you, into us- thinking we were different from the rest of the world. I lost everything throughout my life and I just never thought you would leave too. It makes me feel like I don't deserve love or people, because I can never seem to keep those things.

God, I just really hope that it wasn't all in my head. Just please tell me it wasn't all in my head... I thought we had something amazing, I thought we'd make it... I never saw it ending the way it did...

I am so unhappy without you and I hate the power that I lose from admitting that.

I can't believe all this time has passed and you haven't said that you missed me. I wonder if you think you can't because you know it'll bring me too much hope. I tried to see you, but you stopped replying to my messages when it got too close and real to happening. I think you're afraid.

You have no idea all the times I wanted to write you. Call you. See you.

I have to explain everything to everyone (anyone). I just feel like I wouldn't need to with you, because you've known me since I basically chose to live and took my first breath. I just wasn't alive until I met you and we happened. You were the first home I found after leaving mine when I was a child.

I don't have a home anymore. Nobody is my home. No house feels like my home. I am so lost.

I'm so sorry that I couldn't be, or that I made you doubt, or that I bring you pain now. All I want is for you to be happy, whatever way that is. Honestly, I'm not selfish enough to think that happiness can only come from me- but I wish it would.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could move on. You were both the best and the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I wish things were the way they used to be... You telling me about "us" with huge eyes and a smile, showing me how we're different and to believe in us, trust in you. I wish you wouldn't have said those things, I opened so many walls to believe you.

Being Alive Again

"You just have to keep on living until you're alive again."

I Didn't Know What to Do

I didn't know what to do
I was in shock
I watched you peel us down to the bone
I offered everything, anything- the dimmest light
You suffocated every glimpse

I didn't know what to do
I didn't want to believe my eyes
Everything I knew was slipping
Shattering
It was slow, it stung in every pore of my body
Too slow
I held on so tight but I only felt vapors between my fingers

I didn't know what to do
I just tried to show you I can support
I can love
There is always love
I will always love
I was being brave for us

I didn't know what to do
When my love broke every promise
When my love needed me to understand

I didn't know what to do
When I had dreams every night for a week
Torturing me
Keeping me humble
How dare I think I could've moved on

I didn't know what to do
When my body felt so much pain
Beyond three in the morning
Urging to call him
I wouldn't know what to say
I miss you
Nothing is as it should be
These songs remind me of everything I believed in
I don't know who I am without you
I don't want to be who I am without you

I didn't know what to do
When he told me that he was disappointed
Because he's never seen me as happy
as when I was with you
He told me he doesn't think he could ever
Be you
You

I didn't know what to do
When I woke up
Thinking of you
And his body was next to mine
I put my fingers through his hair
And I felt you

I didn't know what to do
My body felt numb
Limp
Dead
Whose body is this anyway

I didn't know what to do
Am I supposed to call
To fight
Is this my fault
How do I see in color
When will anything feel real

I don't know what to do.

About Jumping In and Feeling Vulnerable

March 16, 2016 at 3:12 PM

Dear Diary,

I think things have been a bit rocky for me since the last time that I saw Joe. He came by on Thursday, March 10th. The interaction felt awful. He didn’t really look at me, didn’t hug me, didn’t talk to me. It felt cold, like a ghost walking through the house. He picked up the last  of his things- I kept a couple things for my own sanity- but he took mostly everything. There isn’t much holding us together anymore. He even turned in his keys and his permit. 

I texted him after he left, because I just didn’t feel right about it. He never replied to my last message and it honestly really hurt my feelings a lot because it was the first time that I was being vulnerable with him and telling him that it was hard to see him. I can’t help but feel like it’s a power dynamic issue- that he just enjoys having the upper hand- because the way that he doesn’t reply has been a consistent behavior, so it’s safe to say it’s not accidental. 

I’ve been feeling very conflicted lately and it’s caused a kind of general down feeling that eats at me. It happens whenever I see a guy I’m dating be really into me. When I see them emotionally or physically investing, I find myself completely overcome with guilt. Mostly, I feel really insecure and vulnerable. A lot of the time, I feel like they’re blind, and it’s only a matter of time until they find those uncompromisable flaws, or get bored, or find someone better and leave me. I feel almost bad for them when they catch feelings for me- I’m kind of unstable emotionally, I’m really needy, I’m indecisive and anxious, and I’m not generally strong-minded. Like yes, I realize that I’m educated, kind, creative, genuine, cute, and I have an interesting story to tell. But it doesn’t seem to carry people through. I feel vulnerable whenever I tell them anything beyond the facts. I’m happy and completely at ease talking about my break up, exes, and whatever difficult past stories. But as soon as it breaks down into me telling someone what I think of them, or how I feel towards them, I get really scared and I feel the most vulnerable. I think it has something to do with the hurt I experienced with Joe, always having a one-sided emotional investment. It was always so painful to have to work so incredibly hard to get him to say such simple things. I don’t think it was normal to crave words from my boyfriend. I didn’t want much, just… A compliment. A reminder of his love. Something to make me feel unique and special. A little encouragement on my goals. A little time investment. I remember I would cry when he would give me any of these things, because it was so rare and it was like a little bit of a reward for all the effort I’d put in up to that point. That’s not normal or fair. 

I think being in that type of relationship was more hurtful than I had expected it to be, and it wasn’t visible to me until I consider getting into another one. I find that I don’t believe it when other guys tell me the things I wanted to hear from Joe. I know I don’t believe they have real feelings that will last. I also find that I freeze up if I make small attempts at being vulnerable and don’t get reciprocated- like the time when I told L that I missed him for the first time and he didn’t say anything about it for a couple hours. I felt dumb- like “There I go again, putting other people’s egos and happiness before mine. He’s just gonna steal that little bit of kindness I gave him and use it against me, or as reason to not try anymore.” I feel like people will advantage of my love- use it to build themselves up and not return it, because they know it will infinitely come. Through my love, Joe built character, confidence, he reached his goals and more, he repaired and maintained relationships, he was motivated and he formed a perfect foundation to take on any opportunities that came his way. Through Joe’s love, I built character and strength- but that’s about all. I had his company, too, but I thrived off of his happiness. 

“And if I believe you, will that make it stop? / If I told you I need you, is that what you want?” 

I can’t imagine telling another person that I need them. I don’t know if I’d want to do that because I’m not sure it’s good to need any other person besides yourself- but beyond that- handing them that power makes me feel so absolutely terrified. I guess that’s the main theme here, it’s that I’m really scared and I don’t feel ready to engage with people, and there’s an overarching guilt that occurs from others doing that for me. 

This is the first time I’ve written this long (it’s 5:31pm now) and feel very unaccomplished. Writing was such a task today, I couldn’t put my finger on what it is that I’m feeling.

Will I ever feel ready or do I just have to jump in?