Doing Life and not Living It

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. There’s a lot going on and at the same time not very much has changed. I came home for the Thanksgiving holiday, which has been really nice as the family time has been valuable and assuring. But it’s also been really stressful because I can barely find time for myself. I always have to tend to everyone’s needs even if they don’t ask for anything- I can’t really just “be”. I feel disengaged from myself.

I feel like I’m doing fine. I don’t feel sad in every moment, I feel focused and I’m proud of where I’m able to be given all the crap I’ve been through. I’m really active about this process- I step out of my comfort zones, I don’t give in to my first, anxious instincts. I try new things, and I’m meeting new people almost every day. But I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing, I just know it feels fine for the moment. 

Last night, the guy I’ve been talking to told me a pretty big secret. I didn’t know how to feel about it, but I’m generally pretty open and accepting so I told him the honesty was appreciated and I’m willing to listen. That’s his second red flag that’s making me want to back off, but for some reason I’m not. He also told me that he’s been into me- not just in these last few weeks we’ve been talking, but since high school when we met. I really like how he is, but I feel so much pressure to conform to his lifestyle. It’s almost a type of ideal, a very conscious way of living but I guess my resistance shows that I care a bit more for my own needs and comforts more than the world or other beings. I feel like I’m a person of moderation- in diet, in activities, in achievements and goals. I don’t know, it worries me. I don’t know if he cares about it as much as I do, but I feel the pressure building because I know that if it were Joe, he’d pass anger towards me if I didn’t participate in his lifestyle. I don’t know what to do about this guy, I’m into the idea of him but I don’t want to and I don’t think I can support him. He seems like he’s just starting to figure some things out, I’m not sure that he’s ready to date. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I also worry that I rely on him too much- I send him pictures of things I see in my day, and text him whenever I think of him. It makes me happy to share bits and pieces, I feel like someone cares about what I’m up to. He said he enjoys it, but I’m not sure if it’s good for me. I guess I’m intimidated by him, or maybe feeling like my lifestyle is flawed, which are not fair or good feelings to have right now.  

Last night I was laying in bed ready for sleep when Hasti said she wanted to go out with Lynn. We went. It was nuts, as most nights with Hasti are. We got home around 5am. Then I talked to the guy until 6am, fell asleep around 6:30am. When I woke up at 10:30, Dad said that Joe and Hanna were on their way over. I didn’t know what to think or do. The night before, Joe’d asked me about a convenient time to come drop off something for Mom, but I’d told him just to hand it to Hanna. Joe’s been really annoying about texting- he’ll text me, and after I text him back he won’t reply. I can’t help but wonder if it’s his way of maintaining power or keeping me on the edge of the seat. It’s fucked up, I wish he’d stop. 

Anyway, when they did come, I really didn’t handle it ideally. Hasti says it played out worse in my head than it actually did, but I’m worried that isn’t true. I was wearing a cropped turtleneck sweater with a pair of sweatpants, and last night’s makeup. Joe said that I looked different when he saw me. I didn’t really talk to him very much when he was there- I asked him about Jamie’s concert. His voice sounded really hoarse. I felt really uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to talk about, so I over-talked. It was just a really weird dynamic, Hanna and Joe sitting on one couch, and my Dad and I on another. Hasti came out later. I found myself mostly worried about Hanna, because I didn’t know how to relax enough to make her feel comfortable and show her that I’m relatively in control of my emotions and the situation. I texted her “Hey, I'm sorry about earlier, it was really hard for me. I'm trying to be genuine about how I feel 100% of the time but it was just really hard to know what to do and how to feel in that situation. I feel like you might've gotten a bad feeling/impression from me and how I'm handling things”, but she never replied, which has given me incredible anxiety. Was it really that bad? I wasn’t mean to anyone, I was just clearly stressed and uncomfortable… I wonder what’s going on, I feel like she’d normally just tell me, even if she felt like it wasn’t cool. It makes me so sad. I really, really hope she’ll talk to me and tell me if I’ve hurt her feelings. 

As soon as they left, I uncontrollably cried, and Dad initiated a group hug. All these emotions of embarrassment and realization of how tough it really was for me just crashed like a huge wave. I just kept repeating that “he’s so dumb”. Just being in Irvine has been tough- driving by Turtle Rock, Uni, or Harbor on the 405. The rest of the day just wasn’t normal at all. I was completely rocked, I couldn’t shake the sadness. I don’t know if part of it is all the time that I’m spending with Hasti. She’s really emotional and borderline irrational about her guy problems, and I wonder if she’s making me have similar thoughts. When I looked at Joe’s snapchats, I got kinda annoyed because he’s really cute lol. He’s like really figuring out his looks, getting into clothes and all that. He’s looking a bit more like a man. He’s so dumb though. Honestly! I’m not the kind of girl you risk putting back into the market. Literally every guy I’ve ever talked to is into me, even ones that said or seemed like they were over it. Every guy seems to be testing boundaries now. 

Still feel like I’m doing life and not living it at the moment. Don’t know how to really feel. Just taking it one day at a time, moment by moment really. 

Goodnight,

The Kinda Crap That Makes Me Mad

Dear Diary,

I just happened to come across this, and this is exactly the kind of stuff that makes me so mad. I don't like the type of blog post I did the other night, it makes me feel terribly. I have to do something to get me to keep going, but I feel so guilty when I'm that honest and in-the-moment. Most of the time in my life I don't say things that I don't mean permanently, or that I wouldn't stand by in the future.

I keep meeting all these guys at school and honestly they all bore me, and I just can't see it with them at all. They're just not the kind of people who'd understand me. I just feel like people are empty, like I come across guys who'd be dependable and happy, but I just don't feel anything. I know they don't listen to the same music I do, I know they won't understand my past. Just feeling emptiness in other people sucks.

I'm trying to move on for my own sake, but I can't help but wait. I just feel like if he'd look through some pictures or watch some videos that reminded him of how amazing we were, he'd understand. We were just in a rough patch. It's a confusing time for everyone... I just wish he didn't give up on us and stood by his words the way that I am.

I know I have to give it time- give me time- but it's like I'm walking on a treadmill. Everyone and everything is just passing me by, and I can see, but I'm not living.

I wonder how he's feeling tonight. I assume just fine- blocked out everything that reminds him of us, because it's distracting and better off that way. Maybe he feels nothing at all, now.

What will I do?

Homesick

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.

Better Off Sleeping Alone

Dear Diary,

And another journal entry begins. This one, just like the others, begins with a simple thought. Tonight’s thought? 

Maybe I’m better off sleeping on my own.

I guess I’ve been moving on, and there are some things I want you to know. I was so caught up in who I thought you were that I forgot how to love myself. And if you think that I was blind, know that I wasn’t. I know you yelled at me when I didn’t deserve it. I know you made me self conscious and tried to change who I was, and all the words I spoke and feelings I dared to expose. You tried to keep me quiet and compliant. The only reason you think I’m blind is because you never heard me yell like you. It was hard to see what was going on. 

And if you think that I’m average in any aspect, I’m glad you left me so I can find someone who sees who I truly am. You made me feel small, and I was a fool to let you break down my walls. If you’re the kind of person who sees unconditional love and takes advantage of it, and finds reason to fight it- then it’s all on you and not me. I haven’t been average in any part of my history, and it was never my responsibility to help you see that. 

It’s better to sleep alone than falling asleep with someone who chose blindness, chose to forget and chose to leave. Someone who gets bored and weak when presented with challenges. It’s my fault for believing what you told me when you told me, and that I trusted your words to last. People change, and while I never thought it would happen- you changed. 

It’s better that I find someone who won’t mistreat me and bring me guilt about it. I’m better off without your uncommitted, confused, immature love. You’re at your weak point now, and I chose to support you, but truth be known- I’m sorry- you can’t make the calls when you’re on that end of the spectrum. You’re just a [CONTENT REMOVED] guy scared of someone real. 

I figure it must’ve been confusing to hit the jackpot on your first time trying the lottery. 

Until you learn to appreciate who I am and all that the other girls could never be, I’m not giving you my time. I guess it makes sense when you realize I didn't have much to lose except my own beliefs.

Love,

Honestly Pretty Blank

Dear Diary,

Today’s been really weird. I don’t know how I’m feeling- it’s almost like I’m feeling so many things on a very small level that it feels like nothing at all. I’ve now been able to come to terms with the fact that Joe’s dating other girls. It was hard to do- not because I didn’t want him to, but just because it really made the whole thing feel so real. I’m not feeling super strong emotions anymore, I mostly just feel kind of hurt and sad that it’s over. I’m also feeling pretty detached from the relationship, which I guess is kind of new. I’m just feeling like Joe was a guy that used to be in my life and the relationship was something that used to exist and I used to invest a lot of time into. Sometimes it feels like it’s sort of a dream, or that I’m back to last year when I used to live on my own. 

I’m really glad that Brittney came over for the weekend, it was really fun. She’s a really good friend and I’m glad I met her and that she’s a part of my life. When people come out to visit me, I really appreciate it because I know it’s a hard thing to do. All of my friends have jobs and responsibilities, and it can be expensive visiting. It’s a big deal that they want to do that. 

Something that Brittney and I talked about was my expectations for what will happen during this break. It was mostly leading into whether or not Joe and I were going to hook up with other people and just be “young and dumb” for a while. It was weird because I hadn’t really thought much of it, because Joe said early on that “this is not about sex at all. Like Jamie is like super excited, telling me I can get with all these girls now- but he doesn’t get it- that’s not what this is about, that’s not who I am.” I guess I sort of just left the thought there. It made me realize a couple of things discussing it though. What we do during this “break” is really important because it’s a reflection of character. For me, I’ve never been interested in hooking up with a load of guys because I feel like I wouldn’t enjoy it. It’d be really fun to see how different guys are in bed, but I just feel like I’d come away from it feeling like I gave up something really special to some random worthless guy. I feel like my sexuality is like this rare gift I have, this secret that I can keep from the world- it’s fun, it’s special, it’s exciting… I don’t want to share it. I guess I’m just not that curious about it- I’d much rather dance, tease, flirt, or just make out. Cuz that’s fun for me. I don’t have anything to prove to myself or the world about my sexuality, and I think sex is just something that’s really special and fun when you’re with the right person. Which got me thinking, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t see sex in that way- in other words- someone who is into hookup culture. I guess you could say it’s one of my relationship values. I've never been into that culture anyway, not before Joe and not now. It's just not who I am. Like it’s kind of gross to think about being with a guy who’s been with more than a couple of girls, who like thinks of sex so loosely. Besides, STIs are way more prominent than they’re given credit and I'm not messing with that gross shit. 

So I guess in a sense when Brittney asked me about it in regards to Joe I told her that while I don’t think he’s the type of person who would do that, and it wouldn’t align with what he told me, but if he did- that’d really be a reflection of his character if that’s what he ended up doing. Like that’s what kind of person Jamie is- and I wouldn’t date him in a million years (for this reason and way more). And I feel like I know Joe well in the sense that he’s intimate and a person who sticks to his word and goals. So if he ended up hooking up with girls just for the experience it’d show me that he just isn’t who I thought he was. He’d just be like the other guys. Would just make me respect him less I guess. 

We met a lot of guys in Santa Monica. It was fun, but I didn’t give out my number to anyone. Nobody was decent enough haha. I don’t feel ready to seriously date like Joe is, it just doesn’t really sound like fun right now. Brittney straightened my hair, which made me feel less like myself. I always feel really calm and not flirty when my hair is straight. When we straightened it we noticed that it’s super long though! I noticed that a lot of guys noticed me, and would flirt with me from a distance- like with a smile, kind of weighing their opportunity. I found that a lot of them won’t approach me after this, and if I talk to them they get either kind of shy or they get overly cocky and try to act cool. I don’t really know what that means- it sucked- I was hoping the guys would be a little more courageous and just approach me. On Friday, I took my ring off. On Saturday, I replaced the picture on the wall, and did a couple more bits and pieces around the house. I want to take my necklace off but I’m too used to having something around my neck to play with all the time. I don’t really see Joe in the necklace as much as I thought I would. 

I still feel like I really care about him and that he’s a nice guy overall. But maybe as a result of me trying to reach emotional stability I’ve been able to bring it down to a neutral. Like when I first moved to UCLA, I remember he felt like I wasn’t cuddling him as much anymore when we’d see each other. I was kind of cold. We realized that it was a mechanism to help me feel better as I’m away- it was hard to get reattached and then have to go away for a whole week and readjust to the distance and how much I missed him. He annoys me a little now, because I can see a lot of immaturity. At night, I find myself wondering if he’s thinking of me. I also find myself hoping that he is. 

Last night, I had a positive dream about him. It reminded me of how warm he was with me when he was happy, and how I loved going anywhere with him (like coming into a party together, or going to a family gathering). It was always fun doing stuff together and being a pair exploring a space. We were a cool duo. 

I had this huge talk with Jacob for about two and a half hours about how he has to try more to get what he wants in life, and how nobody is going to bring changes or tell him to do anything- that it has to come from himself. I don’t know how I find the patience to do this for people, it’s really frustrating because he acts like this negative stubborn wall, telling me reasons why what I’m saying isn’t feasible. I don’t know why I care to help, it’s like if you don’t want to help yourself then why am I trying? But he always turns around after a while and gets more positive and less annoying, and that feels better. I couldn’t date Jacob though, he’s so obnoxious and stuck in his ways. It’s not really his fault that he turned out that way though, he got beaten up pretty badly by life. But I told him- just keep steering! 

I know I’ve been losing a lot of weight. I don’t know how much. My pants are about two inches too big, so my high waisted jeans don’t fit right anymore. I still don’t eat normally, but I eat enough. I haven’t gotten a panic attack in a while either, but sometimes I get really sad and a bit insecure about why Joe didn’t want me. I feel like if he’d come back now, I’d have a lot of questions, and a lot of things to sort out. I don’t feel like I trust him the same way I used to, even though I feel like I love who he is as a human. I don’t think much will change with him- I know he feels like he’s this different, pure version of himself- but I honestly don’t think it’s anything new. He’s just doing more of what he already knew was true about himself. 

I’m nervous about Thanksgiving because I know it’s gonna suck having to tell everyone why Joe isn’t there. I just really hope I can keep it together and not have to explain anything. It also just makes me sad because I love the holidays and it was always so fun when Joe and I would sit together at these parties and talk about what was going on and look at funny Instagram videos when we would get bored. And when we’d dance and Joe would do his very best attempt at Persian dancing, but he just gets really close to me and he gets really hot lol. He’s pretty funny when he’s drunk, too. 

I’m kind of scared about the fact that I can write about that stuff and it’s not upsetting me as much. I know I still think we’re the most special couple on the planet, but I just feel almost like an observer of the relationship rather than a part of it right now. Yeah, that actually describes my feelings pretty well. 

Secret- sometimes I imagine his voice singing me a song as I’m doing some random task. It’s really nice, I miss it. I love how he used to sing randomly. He took it very seriously when he did, too- not to be interrupted. :) 

Feeling Different

Dear Diary,

Ever since what happened on Wednesday night I’m kind of in a different place. It’s not that I’ve moved on or that I don’t care anymore- it’s just that I’m sort of realizing that no matter what happens- like if he decides to come back or not- there’s no effect/change on my life. I still have the same plan as I did before. If I meet someone along the way, then awesome- I’m an open door. I’m just gonna keep to my plan and see what happens. If he comes back, then I’ll decide what to do that day.

[CONTENT REMOVED] 

The parts above are obviously not going on the blog I created. This is between me and you, Lele! You are awesome! You are beautiful! I love you! Go dance to Justin Bieber songs and wear that gorgeous new lipstick! Enjoy those ridiculous curves and the things you do with those hips! You are a ball of happy, unique, completely contagious love! I love you!

Justin Bieber & Ed Sheeran - Love Yourself

Hm. That was the first time I’ve ever said I love you to myself. Cool. Really cool.

Quick edit: just noticed "I love you" showed up twice lol. 

It Wasn't As It Seemed

Dear Diary,

I had to call him. I couldn't let him read the letter, he just wouldn't be ready for it and I would've set him back a lot. I panicked.

I told him about the letter in his backpack and I told him that he shouldn't read it. I told him how he was acting dishonestly tonight, and that it made me feel so terrible because I care a lot and I'm in a different phase. It just seemed so easy to him and it made me feel badly. I was so relieved when he explained that of course it's difficult for him- like the drive over is incredibly hard because he has all that time to reflect to himself, stepping into our apartment is hard, and even having conversations with me is hard. Because it "sets him back", and keeps him from achieving his goal.

I know it was hard for him to say these things because that's what he wanted to keep away, but god it feels so much better knowing it wasn't how he was making it look. I told him I just wasn't ready for his defense mechanisms- what that would look like. I didn't intend to have an emotional, long talk, I wanted him to quickly get his stuff. But I just wasn't expecting this flawless wall, it was hurtful.

I had to ask him about the regrets- and he mentioned how he would get mad at me and yell at me when I hadn't done anything to deserve it. Just his general attitude and choices of emotions, how he handled everything. I was so fucking relieved when he explained that that's what it was. I was so afraid of it being anything else.

He reminded me that he does care, and that he wants me to be happy. But he has to focus and be strong in order to figure this stuff out. He was trying to keep a relaxed, friendly mood but it backfired because it looked like he just didn't care at all. He said that if we ever get back together we'd have to sort of start new, discover new feelings, because everything will be different then. I told him I'm happy that things are going so well for him, and that he's finding and embracing his "pure self", but some aspect of it all just felt so dishonest like there was absolutely nothing there.

He said he thinks we should just hang out more, with no strings attached, to get used to this more. It's confusing, and he said it's hard to know how to act or what to say. He just wanted to make it as painless as possible, but in doing that he caused so much pain.

He said that he knows I probably spent a lot of time on the letter, and that I probably had a lot of important things to say, and that he will keep it somewhere safe and when I feel like he should read it, I should tell him. I don't know what that day will look like, but it sure as hell wasn't tonight.

He mentioned one thing which I am so glad that he realizes. He said that because he's the one who made the call, he's the one in control. It feels better when you're on that side of the equation- when you've made the decision. This is something that I talked to Hanna about a long time ago. It's always easier when you're the one who has to break the news, because you sort of get this feeling of power. I'm so glad Joe understood this, and understood that because of this we're in different phases, on different pages. I told him I'm fine with him being on a different page but it just came out of nowhere comparing the last time we spoke to now, I wasn't ready.

I'm really confused honestly... What am I doing? Why did I write him that letter? Why do I care about any of this? I wish I could just pretend to be okay and happy. I haven't eaten a single thing today. I feel so much better knowing that it's not what he wanted it to seem like. It's not. He still cares. It's hard for him. He's just trying to commit to this new idea. The whole interaction felt like it was super-sped. Like a tape playing in my head over and over three times quicker than normal speed. And all I saw was my heart broken.

I know I make it hard for him, I know I set him back. But it feels good to be reminded that it's real. I feel so bad for reminding him of the pain of it all, but I couldn't believe that it was true the way he was presenting it. There's just no way that that's what we'd become.

Fuck that was crazy.