Honestly Pretty Blank

Dear Diary,

Today’s been really weird. I don’t know how I’m feeling- it’s almost like I’m feeling so many things on a very small level that it feels like nothing at all. I’ve now been able to come to terms with the fact that Joe’s dating other girls. It was hard to do- not because I didn’t want him to, but just because it really made the whole thing feel so real. I’m not feeling super strong emotions anymore, I mostly just feel kind of hurt and sad that it’s over. I’m also feeling pretty detached from the relationship, which I guess is kind of new. I’m just feeling like Joe was a guy that used to be in my life and the relationship was something that used to exist and I used to invest a lot of time into. Sometimes it feels like it’s sort of a dream, or that I’m back to last year when I used to live on my own. 

I’m really glad that Brittney came over for the weekend, it was really fun. She’s a really good friend and I’m glad I met her and that she’s a part of my life. When people come out to visit me, I really appreciate it because I know it’s a hard thing to do. All of my friends have jobs and responsibilities, and it can be expensive visiting. It’s a big deal that they want to do that. 

Something that Brittney and I talked about was my expectations for what will happen during this break. It was mostly leading into whether or not Joe and I were going to hook up with other people and just be “young and dumb” for a while. It was weird because I hadn’t really thought much of it, because Joe said early on that “this is not about sex at all. Like Jamie is like super excited, telling me I can get with all these girls now- but he doesn’t get it- that’s not what this is about, that’s not who I am.” I guess I sort of just left the thought there. It made me realize a couple of things discussing it though. What we do during this “break” is really important because it’s a reflection of character. For me, I’ve never been interested in hooking up with a load of guys because I feel like I wouldn’t enjoy it. It’d be really fun to see how different guys are in bed, but I just feel like I’d come away from it feeling like I gave up something really special to some random worthless guy. I feel like my sexuality is like this rare gift I have, this secret that I can keep from the world- it’s fun, it’s special, it’s exciting… I don’t want to share it. I guess I’m just not that curious about it- I’d much rather dance, tease, flirt, or just make out. Cuz that’s fun for me. I don’t have anything to prove to myself or the world about my sexuality, and I think sex is just something that’s really special and fun when you’re with the right person. Which got me thinking, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t see sex in that way- in other words- someone who is into hookup culture. I guess you could say it’s one of my relationship values. I've never been into that culture anyway, not before Joe and not now. It's just not who I am. Like it’s kind of gross to think about being with a guy who’s been with more than a couple of girls, who like thinks of sex so loosely. Besides, STIs are way more prominent than they’re given credit and I'm not messing with that gross shit. 

So I guess in a sense when Brittney asked me about it in regards to Joe I told her that while I don’t think he’s the type of person who would do that, and it wouldn’t align with what he told me, but if he did- that’d really be a reflection of his character if that’s what he ended up doing. Like that’s what kind of person Jamie is- and I wouldn’t date him in a million years (for this reason and way more). And I feel like I know Joe well in the sense that he’s intimate and a person who sticks to his word and goals. So if he ended up hooking up with girls just for the experience it’d show me that he just isn’t who I thought he was. He’d just be like the other guys. Would just make me respect him less I guess. 

We met a lot of guys in Santa Monica. It was fun, but I didn’t give out my number to anyone. Nobody was decent enough haha. I don’t feel ready to seriously date like Joe is, it just doesn’t really sound like fun right now. Brittney straightened my hair, which made me feel less like myself. I always feel really calm and not flirty when my hair is straight. When we straightened it we noticed that it’s super long though! I noticed that a lot of guys noticed me, and would flirt with me from a distance- like with a smile, kind of weighing their opportunity. I found that a lot of them won’t approach me after this, and if I talk to them they get either kind of shy or they get overly cocky and try to act cool. I don’t really know what that means- it sucked- I was hoping the guys would be a little more courageous and just approach me. On Friday, I took my ring off. On Saturday, I replaced the picture on the wall, and did a couple more bits and pieces around the house. I want to take my necklace off but I’m too used to having something around my neck to play with all the time. I don’t really see Joe in the necklace as much as I thought I would. 

I still feel like I really care about him and that he’s a nice guy overall. But maybe as a result of me trying to reach emotional stability I’ve been able to bring it down to a neutral. Like when I first moved to UCLA, I remember he felt like I wasn’t cuddling him as much anymore when we’d see each other. I was kind of cold. We realized that it was a mechanism to help me feel better as I’m away- it was hard to get reattached and then have to go away for a whole week and readjust to the distance and how much I missed him. He annoys me a little now, because I can see a lot of immaturity. At night, I find myself wondering if he’s thinking of me. I also find myself hoping that he is. 

Last night, I had a positive dream about him. It reminded me of how warm he was with me when he was happy, and how I loved going anywhere with him (like coming into a party together, or going to a family gathering). It was always fun doing stuff together and being a pair exploring a space. We were a cool duo. 

I had this huge talk with Jacob for about two and a half hours about how he has to try more to get what he wants in life, and how nobody is going to bring changes or tell him to do anything- that it has to come from himself. I don’t know how I find the patience to do this for people, it’s really frustrating because he acts like this negative stubborn wall, telling me reasons why what I’m saying isn’t feasible. I don’t know why I care to help, it’s like if you don’t want to help yourself then why am I trying? But he always turns around after a while and gets more positive and less annoying, and that feels better. I couldn’t date Jacob though, he’s so obnoxious and stuck in his ways. It’s not really his fault that he turned out that way though, he got beaten up pretty badly by life. But I told him- just keep steering! 

I know I’ve been losing a lot of weight. I don’t know how much. My pants are about two inches too big, so my high waisted jeans don’t fit right anymore. I still don’t eat normally, but I eat enough. I haven’t gotten a panic attack in a while either, but sometimes I get really sad and a bit insecure about why Joe didn’t want me. I feel like if he’d come back now, I’d have a lot of questions, and a lot of things to sort out. I don’t feel like I trust him the same way I used to, even though I feel like I love who he is as a human. I don’t think much will change with him- I know he feels like he’s this different, pure version of himself- but I honestly don’t think it’s anything new. He’s just doing more of what he already knew was true about himself. 

I’m nervous about Thanksgiving because I know it’s gonna suck having to tell everyone why Joe isn’t there. I just really hope I can keep it together and not have to explain anything. It also just makes me sad because I love the holidays and it was always so fun when Joe and I would sit together at these parties and talk about what was going on and look at funny Instagram videos when we would get bored. And when we’d dance and Joe would do his very best attempt at Persian dancing, but he just gets really close to me and he gets really hot lol. He’s pretty funny when he’s drunk, too. 

I’m kind of scared about the fact that I can write about that stuff and it’s not upsetting me as much. I know I still think we’re the most special couple on the planet, but I just feel almost like an observer of the relationship rather than a part of it right now. Yeah, that actually describes my feelings pretty well. 

Secret- sometimes I imagine his voice singing me a song as I’m doing some random task. It’s really nice, I miss it. I love how he used to sing randomly. He took it very seriously when he did, too- not to be interrupted. :)