I Don’t Understand What the Hell’s Going On

Dear Diary (really Joe in this one),

Hey. Some things are kind of weird for me right now and I thought this would help. Last time I saw you, which was on the 14th, it got me pretty messed up. When I saw you, I was angry and at the same time I felt absolutely nothing. It was really weird. When you left, I drank a whole bottle of wine and talked to this guy on the phone until I passed out. I’ve never drank over you and I’m not going to, cuz it sucked and was dumb. I honestly have been feeling bad that I couldn’t engage with you when I saw you- I didn’t ask how you were doing because I didn’t want to know. No answer you would have given me would have made any difference.

I’ve been having this thought lately and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think about you all the time any more, mostly because I don’t want to. Thinking about you and what happened to us hurts me a lot, so I mostly shut it out and think about how it was good for you and that I hope you’re happy now. 

Guys are treating me like an absolute treasure, like a princess. They give me attention, give me things, cuddle me, kiss me, take me places, and they tell me the sweetest, kindest things that I’ve ever heard. They feel a lot, and when I tell them I want to keep exploring and don’t want to move forward, they’ve all said they understand and will be patient in case it works. But I never go back, really. It’s really weird, I just don’t feel anything in return. Or if I do, it only lasts a couple of weeks. I just feel like they’re not my home- and I don’t think you are either anymore- but they just don’t feel right. 

I feel as if I’m kind of broken, like I’m incapable of falling in love or something. There’s this guy right now who I should want and really care about- he’s got an incredible list of qualifications, he treats me like a doll, he’s gorgeous, adventurous, 6’5”, intelligent and pretty funny. He excites me and surprises me, makes me feel really special. I came home at 6:30am after a date with him last night, and it struck me how the most incredible date in my life still didn’t make me have feelings for him that I feel should’ve been there. Is this your fault?

I have a hard time getting up in the morning- nothing excites me enough. I go out so much, I’ve made new friends, and it’s so much fun while I’m out there but I come home feeling empty. Sometimes I look around the place and just picture you being in it.

I haven’t cried for so freaking long about you but I just started. I miss calling you bebeh, and the stupid voices we’d make that only you and I thought were funny. I miss the days in high school when you were really in love with me. You thought I was so special when I didn’t see anything at all. You taught me to see it, but after we broke up it was gone again. Everyone tells me I’m special now, and I feel so useless. I feel ugly, stupid, boring, gross, unusual, and generally a nuisance. It’s scary that you knew every little detail about me and then left, it makes me feel like all that I had to offer wasn’t good enough, and isn’t good enough for other people. I feel insecure and unsure of myself- really fragile and afraid to be left or judged. 

I don’t know if I miss you, or if I would want you back if I had the chance. That’s not what this is about… It’s just as if a part of myself has completely died, and the other half that’s left just isn’t the strongest end. 

Hanna and Alex broke up and it’s been really hard on me trying to support them both. I was doing really well, but talking to them about everything brings back so many emotions that I think I’ve just been keeping out of sight. I don’t think about how I feel about you, or the relationship. I don’t think about my progress or my state in the loss. I’m theoretically happy, because I do all the right things and my life is so full of people and activities, goals and hobbies that I love. But it’s like no matter how much effort I put forward to get myself to a better place, and I have (I generally don’t feel anything towards the relationship at all, I feel neutrally happy), it just is never enough to make me feel whole. To feel completely satisfied. Everything is such a big effort now- I do things because it’s good for me, because they’re my goals and because I care about the people I’m surrounding myself with. 

What the fuck, man. I just thought about calling you and just telling you all these things. Dangerous, stupid thoughts. You’re just not who I keep trying to convince myself you are- you don’t feel the way you do, you don’t love me anymore. You’re someone so new now.

I guess it’s that I know what it feels like to be loved by you when it’s real, and that’s the kind of love that I haven’t been able to find anywhere else, even since we lost it ourselves midway through. That’s home. Those looks you gave me and the words you said to bring me comfort- that was home. And that home burned so fast, it wasn’t there for a long time… It was like I found the dragon, or the unicorn, or the highest point of the mountain- whatever you want to call it, and the rest of the relationship I was just seeking that same high. I dedicated all my time and effort to get that high from you again… Of course it never came. 

I ran across a recording of you singing “If I’m James Dean You’re Audrey Hepburn” and it was really hard to just close it out. This is really, really, scary to write about because it’s all in my head. But it’s real, and I think I need to see it typed out on this screen so that I take it seriously in case it gets worse. But sometimes, I just think about dying. Not killing myself, but just... being gone. And I think about the people and what they’d say, and for some fucked up reason this brings me strength and makes me hopeful that I’m a special person, because when I picture myself gone, I see that people cared a lot and that I was really special, and there were a lot of regrets with everyone. 

Nobody gets me. Not even you- I was a tailored version of myself that I seriously didn’t like when I was around you. But you were pretty close to understanding. But as close as you were, it didn’t bring me comfort anyway, because you honestly didn’t like the whole me so it was embarrassing and punishing to truly be myself. 

Will it always be like this? It’s insane, because I feel like I’m finally over the break up- day to day, it doesn’t affect me- I don’t think about it. I don’t feel sad. I don’t cry until I write or I’m in the therapy room… I wonder if that’s what it’s gonna be like from now on. Just tolerable nothingness as you pretend to go about all your important goals, always feeling an incurable, torturing emptiness that devalues everything and everyone you encounter. 

I don’t know what my mind or body wants. I don’t crave touch or attention. I don’t really want to talk to you at all. I don’t want to see you. I just want to feel at peace, I guess…

Am I seriously still grieving? Why? I wish I could feel the way I think you’re feeling. Relief?

Come Down From Your Tower

:(

A Goodbye, Maybe

Dear Diary Joe,

I don’t have much to say to you anymore, I guess. I don’t feel like writing to you. So I guess in some sense this is a goodbye unless something changes from here on out. It’s really weird how it’s all happened- I feel nothing really. I don’t miss you unless I really get myself thinking about it, or if I have a dream about you. It only lasts a couple hours. I don’t want to check your Instagram or Snapchats anymore. It took getting away from you for a month to be able to see how unfairly I was treated and how happy I could be without you.

Sucks to say it, but you were mean to me. You made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. I was always trying to please you, shape my every move to satisfy your needs. You didn’t let me be me, really. You were trying to shape me into who you wanted to date, yelling at me every time it didn't work. Of course there were good times- I laughed hard around you, and I love the silly voices we’d make or calling each other “bebeh.” But it’s as if it’s all gone now, it stands as a cloudy remnant of my history, and all I can see now is your hard face looking down at me. I don’t think about you all day anymore. 

I’m seeing someone new, and he’s kind and softer. I don’t have to teach him what not to say and why that is. He’s conscious. He wanted to add, “It's not so important what we do, than who we are.” He finds the stuff I do and say valuable- the same stuff that you told me was a waste of time because it didn’t do anything for you. I always feared embracing my simplicity because it’d bore you- and it was never my fault for not being who you wanted me to be. I’ve learned a lot about myself, including that I’m extremely positive and a ruthless fighter against my own tendencies. Not a lot around me is going well for others, and somehow I’ve become the center strength for them all even though I’m at a low point. 

I’ve decided to let you go entirely, until another day if you make the call that you want to talk. I’ll think about it then. I’m the same person and all, nothing’s changed, but I just don’t think, from what I learned from you in six years, that you’re the kind of person that can embrace another person’s life and needs and make it a part of your own. I wanted us to have a life together, but your vision was cluttered with your own contracts, and I was simply an interference in your process.

It’s unfortunate that I’m happy now, but I am- in new ways. It’s a more honest happiness. I’m just a really determined, sure-of-myself person, which has really come to surprise me as all I’ve been telling myself is that I can’t make a single decision about anything. But it’s true- I’m rational as hell, strong and clear headed.

I honestly don’t know what to say. Wonder what you’re thinking I guess. Maybe you have no regrets and are happy too.  I’m not holding on to anything- if you looked back you wouldn’t see anyone anymore. 

Love you loads,

Doing Life and not Living It

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while since I’ve written. There’s a lot going on and at the same time not very much has changed. I came home for the Thanksgiving holiday, which has been really nice as the family time has been valuable and assuring. But it’s also been really stressful because I can barely find time for myself. I always have to tend to everyone’s needs even if they don’t ask for anything- I can’t really just “be”. I feel disengaged from myself.

I feel like I’m doing fine. I don’t feel sad in every moment, I feel focused and I’m proud of where I’m able to be given all the crap I’ve been through. I’m really active about this process- I step out of my comfort zones, I don’t give in to my first, anxious instincts. I try new things, and I’m meeting new people almost every day. But I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing, I just know it feels fine for the moment. 

Last night, the guy I’ve been talking to told me a pretty big secret. I didn’t know how to feel about it, but I’m generally pretty open and accepting so I told him the honesty was appreciated and I’m willing to listen. That’s his second red flag that’s making me want to back off, but for some reason I’m not. He also told me that he’s been into me- not just in these last few weeks we’ve been talking, but since high school when we met. I really like how he is, but I feel so much pressure to conform to his lifestyle. It’s almost a type of ideal, a very conscious way of living but I guess my resistance shows that I care a bit more for my own needs and comforts more than the world or other beings. I feel like I’m a person of moderation- in diet, in activities, in achievements and goals. I don’t know, it worries me. I don’t know if he cares about it as much as I do, but I feel the pressure building because I know that if it were Joe, he’d pass anger towards me if I didn’t participate in his lifestyle. I don’t know what to do about this guy, I’m into the idea of him but I don’t want to and I don’t think I can support him. He seems like he’s just starting to figure some things out, I’m not sure that he’s ready to date. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I also worry that I rely on him too much- I send him pictures of things I see in my day, and text him whenever I think of him. It makes me happy to share bits and pieces, I feel like someone cares about what I’m up to. He said he enjoys it, but I’m not sure if it’s good for me. I guess I’m intimidated by him, or maybe feeling like my lifestyle is flawed, which are not fair or good feelings to have right now.  

Last night I was laying in bed ready for sleep when Hasti said she wanted to go out with Lynn. We went. It was nuts, as most nights with Hasti are. We got home around 5am. Then I talked to the guy until 6am, fell asleep around 6:30am. When I woke up at 10:30, Dad said that Joe and Hanna were on their way over. I didn’t know what to think or do. The night before, Joe’d asked me about a convenient time to come drop off something for Mom, but I’d told him just to hand it to Hanna. Joe’s been really annoying about texting- he’ll text me, and after I text him back he won’t reply. I can’t help but wonder if it’s his way of maintaining power or keeping me on the edge of the seat. It’s fucked up, I wish he’d stop. 

Anyway, when they did come, I really didn’t handle it ideally. Hasti says it played out worse in my head than it actually did, but I’m worried that isn’t true. I was wearing a cropped turtleneck sweater with a pair of sweatpants, and last night’s makeup. Joe said that I looked different when he saw me. I didn’t really talk to him very much when he was there- I asked him about Jamie’s concert. His voice sounded really hoarse. I felt really uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to talk about, so I over-talked. It was just a really weird dynamic, Hanna and Joe sitting on one couch, and my Dad and I on another. Hasti came out later. I found myself mostly worried about Hanna, because I didn’t know how to relax enough to make her feel comfortable and show her that I’m relatively in control of my emotions and the situation. I texted her “Hey, I'm sorry about earlier, it was really hard for me. I'm trying to be genuine about how I feel 100% of the time but it was just really hard to know what to do and how to feel in that situation. I feel like you might've gotten a bad feeling/impression from me and how I'm handling things”, but she never replied, which has given me incredible anxiety. Was it really that bad? I wasn’t mean to anyone, I was just clearly stressed and uncomfortable… I wonder what’s going on, I feel like she’d normally just tell me, even if she felt like it wasn’t cool. It makes me so sad. I really, really hope she’ll talk to me and tell me if I’ve hurt her feelings. 

As soon as they left, I uncontrollably cried, and Dad initiated a group hug. All these emotions of embarrassment and realization of how tough it really was for me just crashed like a huge wave. I just kept repeating that “he’s so dumb”. Just being in Irvine has been tough- driving by Turtle Rock, Uni, or Harbor on the 405. The rest of the day just wasn’t normal at all. I was completely rocked, I couldn’t shake the sadness. I don’t know if part of it is all the time that I’m spending with Hasti. She’s really emotional and borderline irrational about her guy problems, and I wonder if she’s making me have similar thoughts. When I looked at Joe’s snapchats, I got kinda annoyed because he’s really cute lol. He’s like really figuring out his looks, getting into clothes and all that. He’s looking a bit more like a man. He’s so dumb though. Honestly! I’m not the kind of girl you risk putting back into the market. Literally every guy I’ve ever talked to is into me, even ones that said or seemed like they were over it. Every guy seems to be testing boundaries now. 

Still feel like I’m doing life and not living it at the moment. Don’t know how to really feel. Just taking it one day at a time, moment by moment really. 

Goodnight,

The Kinda Crap That Makes Me Mad

Dear Diary,

I just happened to come across this, and this is exactly the kind of stuff that makes me so mad. I don't like the type of blog post I did the other night, it makes me feel terribly. I have to do something to get me to keep going, but I feel so guilty when I'm that honest and in-the-moment. Most of the time in my life I don't say things that I don't mean permanently, or that I wouldn't stand by in the future.

I keep meeting all these guys at school and honestly they all bore me, and I just can't see it with them at all. They're just not the kind of people who'd understand me. I just feel like people are empty, like I come across guys who'd be dependable and happy, but I just don't feel anything. I know they don't listen to the same music I do, I know they won't understand my past. Just feeling emptiness in other people sucks.

I'm trying to move on for my own sake, but I can't help but wait. I just feel like if he'd look through some pictures or watch some videos that reminded him of how amazing we were, he'd understand. We were just in a rough patch. It's a confusing time for everyone... I just wish he didn't give up on us and stood by his words the way that I am.

I know I have to give it time- give me time- but it's like I'm walking on a treadmill. Everyone and everything is just passing me by, and I can see, but I'm not living.

I wonder how he's feeling tonight. I assume just fine- blocked out everything that reminds him of us, because it's distracting and better off that way. Maybe he feels nothing at all, now.

What will I do?

Homesick

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.

Better Off Sleeping Alone

Dear Diary,

And another journal entry begins. This one, just like the others, begins with a simple thought. Tonight’s thought? 

Maybe I’m better off sleeping on my own.

I guess I’ve been moving on, and there are some things I want you to know. I was so caught up in who I thought you were that I forgot how to love myself. And if you think that I was blind, know that I wasn’t. I know you yelled at me when I didn’t deserve it. I know you made me self conscious and tried to change who I was, and all the words I spoke and feelings I dared to expose. You tried to keep me quiet and compliant. The only reason you think I’m blind is because you never heard me yell like you. It was hard to see what was going on. 

And if you think that I’m average in any aspect, I’m glad you left me so I can find someone who sees who I truly am. You made me feel small, and I was a fool to let you break down my walls. If you’re the kind of person who sees unconditional love and takes advantage of it, and finds reason to fight it- then it’s all on you and not me. I haven’t been average in any part of my history, and it was never my responsibility to help you see that. 

It’s better to sleep alone than falling asleep with someone who chose blindness, chose to forget and chose to leave. Someone who gets bored and weak when presented with challenges. It’s my fault for believing what you told me when you told me, and that I trusted your words to last. People change, and while I never thought it would happen- you changed. 

It’s better that I find someone who won’t mistreat me and bring me guilt about it. I’m better off without your uncommitted, confused, immature love. You’re at your weak point now, and I chose to support you, but truth be known- I’m sorry- you can’t make the calls when you’re on that end of the spectrum. You’re just a [CONTENT REMOVED] guy scared of someone real. 

I figure it must’ve been confusing to hit the jackpot on your first time trying the lottery. 

Until you learn to appreciate who I am and all that the other girls could never be, I’m not giving you my time. I guess it makes sense when you realize I didn't have much to lose except my own beliefs.

Love,