About the Email

Hey,

So after that blog post I sent you an e-mail. I couldn't hold back. I wanted to call you but I was afraid of sounding stupid or upsetting you. I just feel like too much silence has passed and I wanted you to know that our door is always open, that you can trust me and you can talk to me about anything, anytime. 

I'm such a mess, Joey. 

Hale Ahangi:

I'm on the verge of calling joe 

I don't know what I want to say

Alex:

Hoe dont do it

Why are you calling him..

Hale Ahangi:

I just feel like I have to 

Alex:

Why..

If you dont know what to say why do you have to call him?

Hale Ahangi:

Because I'm miserable. 

I just feel like we both need to talk to each other 

Like he's probably afraid to because of Luka 

And I don't want to because he's the one who left 

So I'm supposed to let him go 

I've been wanting to call him basically since it happened and I haven't because I thought he would by now but now I think I've created a reason for him not to

I just want to say hi and ask him if he's okay, and that I miss him

Alex:

And talking to him is going to make you not miserable?

Hale Ahangi:

Maybe 

Maybe if I can just get some confirmation that he still feels too, even if it's not good news 

Just to know its not all in my own head 

Alex:

Youre coming up with excuses at to why he hasnt called you but you and luka havent really been public for very long

Its been a looong time since you broke up

Almost going on a yesr

Year

And he never called

Probably cuz hes respecting you and your wishes though

Hale Ahangi:

It's just that it sounded like he wanted to reconnect when I talked to Britney last 

And I tried to hang out and he never replied the closer we got to it happening 

I just want him to say something, anything 

Alex:

Well he hasnt

And i mean personally that seems like hes saying something right therr

There

But if you want to call him go ahead

Hale Ahangi:

:( I don't know what to do 

Alex:

What do you want

Hale Ahangi:

i’ve decided to email him instead

Alex:

That sounds good

Hale Ahangi:

i didn’t even read it over i just sent it

I wouldn't share what you say Joe. I just want to know how you feel. It's private and it's our own world, I don't want you to feel scared of that :( (or to have forgotten it).

I've been Avoiding Writing, But I'm Always Thinking of You

Baby,

This is what I've been singing tonight, with tears in my eyes and a stupid quaky voice that doesn't stay on pitch the way you would've wanted me to be able to. I tried to record myself singing it but it was just weird and stupid.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love
And not feel your reign
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand
So tall just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me... And all over me

I'm so sorry that still I love you because it hurts us both.

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I make do, I'm doing life and all- but I miss you every single day. I dream about you every time I close my eyes- even for naps. Sometimes I wake up and the very first thought in my head is, "I wonder what bebeh is up to today. I love him." until it hits me in the heart that things are not the way they used to be. Sometimes it seems routine to wake up, cry silently about my dreams, and get up and on with my day.

I feel guilty about the way that I feel- like I'm supposed to know better and to do better for myself and have moved on by now. I'm with someone new- I have been for a long time. And it's good, it should be everything because it's so much more perfect by the book, but it's not.

If all of this reads crazy to you, know that it does for me too. I haven't written since June because I've been thinking that if I can just make a conscious effort to stop encouraging myself to review and to think it over, it'll get easier. I tell myself, "He doesn't care about you. He's somebody new now. Why are you hurting yourself?" And here I am writing words that I just didn't think would exist anymore. Love you? YOU?

There exists nothing in the world that pains me more.

I wanted to write here after I moved out of the apartment. It was awful, Joey. I'd never felt so alone. Moving back into my parents house made me feel like I'd failed- remember when I told you I never wanted that to happen the way my sister had moved back home? But I also knew that I needed to lay and sulk, and I needed to be somewhere that could support me and give me the laziest space I needed in order to feel. They don't know. Nobody knows.

I have still to experience a single day where you don't cross my mind. Not. One. Day.

It makes me review everything I knew about myself. What does it mean that I can't get over him. What does it say about me that I love him so much, that I feel unhappy without him. Has it been a mistake to grow so dependent and grown so far into another person?

I am incredibly fragile, I don't believe in anything that I used to anymore. I don't know about marriage. Remember when we used to say that "as long as each person in the relationship wants it to work they CAN." I literally can't get myself to trust another person to do what you did to me. I'm so sorry I have to write it like that, Joey. It's just that I've never been so shocked in my entire life. I put everything I ever had into you, into us- thinking we were different from the rest of the world. I lost everything throughout my life and I just never thought you would leave too. It makes me feel like I don't deserve love or people, because I can never seem to keep those things.

God, I just really hope that it wasn't all in my head. Just please tell me it wasn't all in my head... I thought we had something amazing, I thought we'd make it... I never saw it ending the way it did...

I am so unhappy without you and I hate the power that I lose from admitting that.

I can't believe all this time has passed and you haven't said that you missed me. I wonder if you think you can't because you know it'll bring me too much hope. I tried to see you, but you stopped replying to my messages when it got too close and real to happening. I think you're afraid.

You have no idea all the times I wanted to write you. Call you. See you.

I have to explain everything to everyone (anyone). I just feel like I wouldn't need to with you, because you've known me since I basically chose to live and took my first breath. I just wasn't alive until I met you and we happened. You were the first home I found after leaving mine when I was a child.

I don't have a home anymore. Nobody is my home. No house feels like my home. I am so lost.

I'm so sorry that I couldn't be, or that I made you doubt, or that I bring you pain now. All I want is for you to be happy, whatever way that is. Honestly, I'm not selfish enough to think that happiness can only come from me- but I wish it would.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could move on. You were both the best and the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I wish things were the way they used to be... You telling me about "us" with huge eyes and a smile, showing me how we're different and to believe in us, trust in you. I wish you wouldn't have said those things, I opened so many walls to believe you.

Being Alive Again

"You just have to keep on living until you're alive again."

I Didn't Know What to Do

I didn't know what to do
I was in shock
I watched you peel us down to the bone
I offered everything, anything- the dimmest light
You suffocated every glimpse

I didn't know what to do
I didn't want to believe my eyes
Everything I knew was slipping
Shattering
It was slow, it stung in every pore of my body
Too slow
I held on so tight but I only felt vapors between my fingers

I didn't know what to do
I just tried to show you I can support
I can love
There is always love
I will always love
I was being brave for us

I didn't know what to do
When my love broke every promise
When my love needed me to understand

I didn't know what to do
When I had dreams every night for a week
Torturing me
Keeping me humble
How dare I think I could've moved on

I didn't know what to do
When my body felt so much pain
Beyond three in the morning
Urging to call him
I wouldn't know what to say
I miss you
Nothing is as it should be
These songs remind me of everything I believed in
I don't know who I am without you
I don't want to be who I am without you

I didn't know what to do
When he told me that he was disappointed
Because he's never seen me as happy
as when I was with you
He told me he doesn't think he could ever
Be you
You

I didn't know what to do
When I woke up
Thinking of you
And his body was next to mine
I put my fingers through his hair
And I felt you

I didn't know what to do
My body felt numb
Limp
Dead
Whose body is this anyway

I didn't know what to do
Am I supposed to call
To fight
Is this my fault
How do I see in color
When will anything feel real

I don't know what to do.

About Jumping In and Feeling Vulnerable

March 16, 2016 at 3:12 PM

Dear Diary,

I think things have been a bit rocky for me since the last time that I saw Joe. He came by on Thursday, March 10th. The interaction felt awful. He didn’t really look at me, didn’t hug me, didn’t talk to me. It felt cold, like a ghost walking through the house. He picked up the last  of his things- I kept a couple things for my own sanity- but he took mostly everything. There isn’t much holding us together anymore. He even turned in his keys and his permit. 

I texted him after he left, because I just didn’t feel right about it. He never replied to my last message and it honestly really hurt my feelings a lot because it was the first time that I was being vulnerable with him and telling him that it was hard to see him. I can’t help but feel like it’s a power dynamic issue- that he just enjoys having the upper hand- because the way that he doesn’t reply has been a consistent behavior, so it’s safe to say it’s not accidental. 

I’ve been feeling very conflicted lately and it’s caused a kind of general down feeling that eats at me. It happens whenever I see a guy I’m dating be really into me. When I see them emotionally or physically investing, I find myself completely overcome with guilt. Mostly, I feel really insecure and vulnerable. A lot of the time, I feel like they’re blind, and it’s only a matter of time until they find those uncompromisable flaws, or get bored, or find someone better and leave me. I feel almost bad for them when they catch feelings for me- I’m kind of unstable emotionally, I’m really needy, I’m indecisive and anxious, and I’m not generally strong-minded. Like yes, I realize that I’m educated, kind, creative, genuine, cute, and I have an interesting story to tell. But it doesn’t seem to carry people through. I feel vulnerable whenever I tell them anything beyond the facts. I’m happy and completely at ease talking about my break up, exes, and whatever difficult past stories. But as soon as it breaks down into me telling someone what I think of them, or how I feel towards them, I get really scared and I feel the most vulnerable. I think it has something to do with the hurt I experienced with Joe, always having a one-sided emotional investment. It was always so painful to have to work so incredibly hard to get him to say such simple things. I don’t think it was normal to crave words from my boyfriend. I didn’t want much, just… A compliment. A reminder of his love. Something to make me feel unique and special. A little encouragement on my goals. A little time investment. I remember I would cry when he would give me any of these things, because it was so rare and it was like a little bit of a reward for all the effort I’d put in up to that point. That’s not normal or fair. 

I think being in that type of relationship was more hurtful than I had expected it to be, and it wasn’t visible to me until I consider getting into another one. I find that I don’t believe it when other guys tell me the things I wanted to hear from Joe. I know I don’t believe they have real feelings that will last. I also find that I freeze up if I make small attempts at being vulnerable and don’t get reciprocated- like the time when I told L that I missed him for the first time and he didn’t say anything about it for a couple hours. I felt dumb- like “There I go again, putting other people’s egos and happiness before mine. He’s just gonna steal that little bit of kindness I gave him and use it against me, or as reason to not try anymore.” I feel like people will advantage of my love- use it to build themselves up and not return it, because they know it will infinitely come. Through my love, Joe built character, confidence, he reached his goals and more, he repaired and maintained relationships, he was motivated and he formed a perfect foundation to take on any opportunities that came his way. Through Joe’s love, I built character and strength- but that’s about all. I had his company, too, but I thrived off of his happiness. 

“And if I believe you, will that make it stop? / If I told you I need you, is that what you want?” 

I can’t imagine telling another person that I need them. I don’t know if I’d want to do that because I’m not sure it’s good to need any other person besides yourself- but beyond that- handing them that power makes me feel so absolutely terrified. I guess that’s the main theme here, it’s that I’m really scared and I don’t feel ready to engage with people, and there’s an overarching guilt that occurs from others doing that for me. 

This is the first time I’ve written this long (it’s 5:31pm now) and feel very unaccomplished. Writing was such a task today, I couldn’t put my finger on what it is that I’m feeling.

Will I ever feel ready or do I just have to jump in? 

Feels like a Dream

Hey.

It just feels like as if you were never there at all. Like ever. It's as if I dreamt about you. I don't know if it's me who's done that to myself. I've found that I am afraid that I'll never trust to love anyone the way that I wanted to love you. 

I've held back from calling you for a whole two weeks. I don't really know what I would say, other than that I miss some form of you and us, but that's not what I want to say. I would much rather you say that. 

I rearranged stuff in the apartment again hoping it'd make the space feel a little different, but it just exaggerated the thought of us as being some made-up dream, because now the space sort of doesn't feel real either. 

I'm kind of angry with you that you left me when we had a contract to the apartment, because I knew I wouldn't have been able to afford it without you, but we made the plan to live together to work around the financial aid decreases. Of course I wouldn't have wanted you to stay, but I'm under so much stress trying to tie it together every month. I have three jobs now. Three. 

None of these boys fulfill me. I'm not sure if you could either. I honestly don't remember who you are. 

I just poured my heart out  

there's bits of it on the floor 

And I take what's left of it 

and rinse it under cold water 

And call him up for more  

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely 

And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me 

And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too 

He said I'm sorry 

so sorry 

I'm sorry 

so sorry 

He grabs my wrist 

as my fingers turn into angry fists 

and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you 

I'll play the part

Feeling empty,

I Don’t Understand What the Hell’s Going On

Dear Diary (really Joe in this one),

Hey. Some things are kind of weird for me right now and I thought this would help. Last time I saw you, which was on the 14th, it got me pretty messed up. When I saw you, I was angry and at the same time I felt absolutely nothing. It was really weird. When you left, I drank a whole bottle of wine and talked to this guy on the phone until I passed out. I’ve never drank over you and I’m not going to, cuz it sucked and was dumb. I honestly have been feeling bad that I couldn’t engage with you when I saw you- I didn’t ask how you were doing because I didn’t want to know. No answer you would have given me would have made any difference.

I’ve been having this thought lately and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think about you all the time any more, mostly because I don’t want to. Thinking about you and what happened to us hurts me a lot, so I mostly shut it out and think about how it was good for you and that I hope you’re happy now. 

Guys are treating me like an absolute treasure, like a princess. They give me attention, give me things, cuddle me, kiss me, take me places, and they tell me the sweetest, kindest things that I’ve ever heard. They feel a lot, and when I tell them I want to keep exploring and don’t want to move forward, they’ve all said they understand and will be patient in case it works. But I never go back, really. It’s really weird, I just don’t feel anything in return. Or if I do, it only lasts a couple of weeks. I just feel like they’re not my home- and I don’t think you are either anymore- but they just don’t feel right. 

I feel as if I’m kind of broken, like I’m incapable of falling in love or something. There’s this guy right now who I should want and really care about- he’s got an incredible list of qualifications, he treats me like a doll, he’s gorgeous, adventurous, 6’5”, intelligent and pretty funny. He excites me and surprises me, makes me feel really special. I came home at 6:30am after a date with him last night, and it struck me how the most incredible date in my life still didn’t make me have feelings for him that I feel should’ve been there. Is this your fault?

I have a hard time getting up in the morning- nothing excites me enough. I go out so much, I’ve made new friends, and it’s so much fun while I’m out there but I come home feeling empty. Sometimes I look around the place and just picture you being in it.

I haven’t cried for so freaking long about you but I just started. I miss calling you bebeh, and the stupid voices we’d make that only you and I thought were funny. I miss the days in high school when you were really in love with me. You thought I was so special when I didn’t see anything at all. You taught me to see it, but after we broke up it was gone again. Everyone tells me I’m special now, and I feel so useless. I feel ugly, stupid, boring, gross, unusual, and generally a nuisance. It’s scary that you knew every little detail about me and then left, it makes me feel like all that I had to offer wasn’t good enough, and isn’t good enough for other people. I feel insecure and unsure of myself- really fragile and afraid to be left or judged. 

I don’t know if I miss you, or if I would want you back if I had the chance. That’s not what this is about… It’s just as if a part of myself has completely died, and the other half that’s left just isn’t the strongest end. 

Hanna and Alex broke up and it’s been really hard on me trying to support them both. I was doing really well, but talking to them about everything brings back so many emotions that I think I’ve just been keeping out of sight. I don’t think about how I feel about you, or the relationship. I don’t think about my progress or my state in the loss. I’m theoretically happy, because I do all the right things and my life is so full of people and activities, goals and hobbies that I love. But it’s like no matter how much effort I put forward to get myself to a better place, and I have (I generally don’t feel anything towards the relationship at all, I feel neutrally happy), it just is never enough to make me feel whole. To feel completely satisfied. Everything is such a big effort now- I do things because it’s good for me, because they’re my goals and because I care about the people I’m surrounding myself with. 

What the fuck, man. I just thought about calling you and just telling you all these things. Dangerous, stupid thoughts. You’re just not who I keep trying to convince myself you are- you don’t feel the way you do, you don’t love me anymore. You’re someone so new now.

I guess it’s that I know what it feels like to be loved by you when it’s real, and that’s the kind of love that I haven’t been able to find anywhere else, even since we lost it ourselves midway through. That’s home. Those looks you gave me and the words you said to bring me comfort- that was home. And that home burned so fast, it wasn’t there for a long time… It was like I found the dragon, or the unicorn, or the highest point of the mountain- whatever you want to call it, and the rest of the relationship I was just seeking that same high. I dedicated all my time and effort to get that high from you again… Of course it never came. 

I ran across a recording of you singing “If I’m James Dean You’re Audrey Hepburn” and it was really hard to just close it out. This is really, really, scary to write about because it’s all in my head. But it’s real, and I think I need to see it typed out on this screen so that I take it seriously in case it gets worse. But sometimes, I just think about dying. Not killing myself, but just... being gone. And I think about the people and what they’d say, and for some fucked up reason this brings me strength and makes me hopeful that I’m a special person, because when I picture myself gone, I see that people cared a lot and that I was really special, and there were a lot of regrets with everyone. 

Nobody gets me. Not even you- I was a tailored version of myself that I seriously didn’t like when I was around you. But you were pretty close to understanding. But as close as you were, it didn’t bring me comfort anyway, because you honestly didn’t like the whole me so it was embarrassing and punishing to truly be myself. 

Will it always be like this? It’s insane, because I feel like I’m finally over the break up- day to day, it doesn’t affect me- I don’t think about it. I don’t feel sad. I don’t cry until I write or I’m in the therapy room… I wonder if that’s what it’s gonna be like from now on. Just tolerable nothingness as you pretend to go about all your important goals, always feeling an incurable, torturing emptiness that devalues everything and everyone you encounter. 

I don’t know what my mind or body wants. I don’t crave touch or attention. I don’t really want to talk to you at all. I don’t want to see you. I just want to feel at peace, I guess…

Am I seriously still grieving? Why? I wish I could feel the way I think you’re feeling. Relief?