Some Small Accomplishments

Dear Diary,

Today I did yoga! I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to since I still hadn’t eaten a full meal since Thursday. I feel weak often because of it, and I’ve noticed that I’ve been losing weight. The yoga session was actually fine- I was stronger than I normally tend to be. I didn’t even use blocks. I have no idea why this would be, maybe it was my focus. There was a point towards the end of the class where the yoga instructor said to imagine our happy place, as there’s nothing left to do now but to focus. And in that moment I kind of teared up because I just imagined Joe’s face next to mine, us off in some random adventure. His smile and imagined presence totally made me feel like home and happiness. I couldn’t even help it, I became aware of it as soon as I felt anything, and I tried to take it back, but that’s just what makes me the happiest right now I guess. 

Another accomplishment was that after practice, Hanna met me at the gym and we went to a dining hall, and I actually think I ate a fair amount of food, like probably a normal portion of food. I don’t know if it was how much I would normally eat but I’ll bet it was close. Towards the end I got nauseous just like I have been every time I eat, but at least I kept it in. It’s really weird how my body is doing this even though I feel mentally calm, but I’m glad to see that it’s slowly passing.

Lastly, I’ve been listening to that playlist I created (I can’t remember when, last night?) the other night, called “Breathing Home”. Some songs are harder to listen to than others, but at least I’m able to do it. There are some songs that are so relevant right now, and before I only liked them for their sound. 

Here’s some lines by Mayday Parade I liked, called “Stay”

If you believe that everything’s alright 

You won’t be all alone tonight

And I’d be blessed by the light of your company,

Slowly lifting me to somewhere new 

[…]

I’m not strong enough for the both of us

What was I supposed to do

You know I love you

Please just stay, stay

Now “Like I do” just came on. I love the way this one sounds, and Joe and I can sing it well.

Some parts from by Mayday Parade’s “Three Cheers for Five Years” 

For heaven’s sake I know you’re sorry 

But you won’t stop crying 

This anniversary may never be the same 

Inside I hope you know I’m dying 

With my heart beside me 

In shattered pieces that may never be replaced 

And if I died right now you’d never be the same  

I thought with a month of apart 

Together would find us an opening 

And moonlight would provide the spark 

And that I would stumble across the key 

Or break down the door to your heart 

Forever could see us not you and me 

And you’d help me out of the dark 

And I’d give my heart as an offering 

Joe always said Mayday Parade was “whatever” because they sound “boy-band-y”. I agree about the sound, but there are some songs I like the lyrics of. Anyway, I have to sleep now. Tomorrow’s class is at 10am. I have an essay due Friday that I just can’t get myself to work on when I feel so impatient. I’m feeling kind of sad that this love’s in jeopardy. 

A little secret- I put some of Joe’s cologne on Snowy. I think it’s helping me sleep… Maybe not. Idk. 

 Love,