Hitting my Lowest Point

Dear Diary,

Today is the first day where I really don’t feel okay. I really don’t feel okay at all. Last night I woke up three times, and after the second time, I had a dream about him. It’s so hard- all of this is so hard. I don’t know how he’s doing okay. 

I didn’t want to go to class this morning but I had to. I didn’t go to yoga because I just can’t move. The whole day I had so many moments of weakness, I randomly wanted to cry as soon as I was left alone with my thoughts for a moment. As soon as I reached the apartment gate, I felt a lot of heat go to my head and I knew it was coming on again. I just wanted him to be there when I opened the door. So. Bad. I wanted him to be there so bad. How can he be fine, how can he not feel the way I do. I’m feeling so broken today.

As soon as I opened my front door, my eyes shot towards my bed. He wasn’t there- of course he’s not- and I couldn’t help but cry for once in a long while. I don’t know why today is so hard. I just feel so sad. I feel so sad without my best friend. I want to laugh with him, and hang out with him. I want to be held and told that I’m special and that he’s scared of losing me the way that I’m scared of losing him. Not as a friend. 

I just feel like I had all these goals for us, and all these plans, and they just seem like something we’re not gonna be able to live through. Yesterday at the dorm I had to show someone a picture, and I called him my ex boyfriend, and it was so… SO painful! And I just regretted the moment those words came out of my mouth because I believed in us, and I wanted us to work so bad. And I’m so sad that our relationship has come to an end right now. And I’m trying to be hopeful, but it’s so hard to be so strong when I feel really broken and without my honest-to-GOD best friend. He made me laugh and I felt happy. I don’t feel happy right now. I haven’t felt unhappy like this since before I met him. I know he deserves this and I know that he needs to do this, but it’s so hard. 

Hanna needed a hug yesterday and I held her, I held for I don’t know… Maybe 5-7 minutes. And I knew that Hanna felt amazing afterwards, she felt loved and she felt cared for. And I just really want to give that to Joe. And honestly I just want that too. For myself. I just want to know that he’s scared of losing me, that I’m anything special, that he’s nervous and that he’s missing me. That thinking about Christmas breaks his heart too. 

I thought about how the last two years I was the one who decorated his dad’s christmas tree, and how I really wanted to do it this year. Because it made them happy and it made me happy and it felt good to be someone who brings happiness to their family and that maybe they thought I was special for thinking ahead and doing that. I’m feeling so replaceable? Like why isn’t he scared…

It just feels like he actually might not come back. He just might not. And it’s scary to think about how I have to deal with that. Because I feel like he knows my true self, and the best of me really, and if that’s not good enough to make him stay then who else would love me after they saw all of me? 

I just want to DO stuff with him. I have energy and laughter that is just stuck in this bubble of unhappiness that I’m just protecting by sitting in this apartment and not sleeping, and working on stuff, and not eating well, and not being happy with myself. I just feel so sad that we can’t be together today. And I feel terrified that he might not come back to me because he just doesn’t think we’re special after all. 

I just want to be that person that he chooses, that he says is a ONE AND ONLY. It’s someone who can’t be replicated, it’s someone who understands him and makes everything so much better. It makes everything worthwhile. I just keep feeling like maybe there was something I could’ve done to make him think I was not worth risking losing. And maybe that’s what all this is- is that I’ve moved from being confident and hopeful, to feeling inadequate and really hurt that I was rejected, and I was sacrificed, and risked- I wasn’t a treasure and a diamond in the rough. I didn’t need to be protected from others, I didn’t mean what I thought I might. To him anyway… And given that he mattered so much to me and that I could see so much with him, it just hurts that he said no to me. 

I don’t feel worthy of love right now. And I feel really scared to love anyone right now. I just feel like maybe I should accept that I’m just a flawed, lazy, boring person that has nothing special to offer. I have love, but it will get taken for granted. I have patience, but people don’t care for it. People don’t mind hurting me because I let them feel confident, I make them feel so loved, that they walk all over me without guilt or pain because I tell them that it’s okay- I’ll still love them all the same. And I do. And it hurts me. And I don’t get anything that I want from my relationships by doing this. I present myself as an exchangeable commodity that can be played with and she’ll still trust you, and devote herself to you, and give herself endlessly as long as you make it seem that maybe she’ll get something in return someday. And she believes in you, and people, and she believes that people are good and they mean well. That they don’t text or call when they make plans and don’t show up because there’s something more worthwhile than my friendship that I need to respect and be able to notice. I’ve trained myself to forgive people all the time- for anything they do, and to trust that people are good and they mean well, and they don’t want to hurt, even though they do, and I deserve better. 

I probably deserve better than Joe. But the fact that Joe didn’t pick me, makes me feel that I don’t deserve better. That I’ve reached a maximum point of what I deserve, and it’s less than what I was given. Because there was something about me that wasn’t worthwhile.

I hate feeling this way. I hate it because it’s so weak. And every word that I’m typing I’m saying out loud as tears are just absolutely streaming down my face, and they sound insane because these are the things that I worked for years to rid myself of. They took so much work. And here I am, my worst enemy, telling myself that I’m not WORTH IT. How did we get like this? I just want this to be over so, badly. I’m so hurt and I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to work I don't want to distract myself. I don’t want to pretend to be strong when I feel scared and insecure. God, like what will it mean if he doesn’t come back. What will it mean about everything that I believed in, and everything that I wished for in the future. Does that mean I’m irrational? That I feel things that maybe are out of place? That are not REAL?

Because how can I be feeling so broken and he’s not? I don’t know that he’s not but I just can’t imagine why he hasn’t broken down and called me, and why he’s not here right now. I can’t imagine someone feeling this way and not running back. I guess that how I feel like I know he’s not feeling the way I am. Because I would literally start walking right now if I knew that it meant he’d take me back. I am so, weak, that I am tortured to CALL him and tell him I just can’t do it anymore in hopes that he’d say he can’t either. 

I don’t feel love. I don't feel love anymore. I just feel nothing but pain, and distrust. I feel sad and I feel broken. Just broken. And it feels like the only thing that can fix it is him telling me that I’m worthwhile and he can’t do it without me. Not anyone else. Just me. 

I want to put these writings on a blog called “These are the not so great days” to answer to his “For those not so great days”. I want him to see it someday, and maybe he’ll feel something from it. But I’m too scared of being that vulnerable as if I haven’t made it clear to him that I’m so willing to make myself look like shit so that he can feel good and safe, and trust in me. He’s so lucky that I’m willing to go so damn low, and that it’s not even a conscious controllable situation. Fucking wish I didn’t feel this way. Wish I could just tell him to fuck off. But I can’t. Because I love him and this sucks. But I love him and I guess this is what stupid love does to stupid people who trust in it and create this fucking world their head of how special  it is and how it’ll last, and you have trust, and you have to give and give and give. So FUCK. This. FUCKING. Sucks.

I’m so tired of feeling inadequate, and it’s my first real day of it. So I can tell this is gonna be great. And I’m just gonna wait and love infinitely like I always do, so that I can prove yet again to myself that I am an expendable person that people can use whenever they need, and I’ll never stop letting people do it because I love dangerously well.