Crisis Hotline

Dear Diary,

Yesterday around 11pm I called the UCLA Crisis Hotline. Not because I’m suicidal- I’m not- but because I’m just feeling overwhelmed and like I can’t cope. I have guilt about not finding motivation to do work, and guilt about feeling angry, etc. I couldn’t sleep again last  night, I woke up sometime around 5am and kept waking up every hour. I hate dreaming of him because it’s confusing and it makes me feel so bad, even if I feel fine when I go to sleep. 

The difference between now and before is that before, I just listened to music. I listed to the beat and the sounds and just enjoyed it for that. Especially if it was a song Joe would normally sing- I’d just be happy listening to a song. But now, it’s as if every song applies to me, and I can’t help but feel like every lyric applies to me. All the songs that normally bounce through my head, “our” songs, they just mean different things to me now and they’re upsetting. Little things just bother me now.

The anxiety got bad when I was scrolling through Instagram and I realized that Brittney and Caleb were at a hockey game with Joe. It kind of sucked, because that’s a cool bonding experience with friends and I wish I could be there, and it’s unfair that I can’t be. It sucked because I care about them too and I feel like I can’t bond with them anymore, and I just kept picturing Joe there and how much I wanted to sit next to him and yell at the stage and dance around or whatever. We’d have fun together. That’s the whole thing, is that I feel like I’m wasting all this time being sad when at any given moment we could be happy together.

It’s all really hard, and I don’t know if what I need is therapy, just to get me to a stable point where I can start working again and doing things that keep me distracted. Yesterday, it felt like the first night. I couldn’t eat again, I felt sick, I couldn’t get myself to sit through any distractions (Netflix, Youtube, etc.). 

He texted me yesterday telling me that he got a new iPhone, and I said congrats but he never replied. I don’t know why he’d do that, like what his point is. He probably didn’t have one, he just wanted me to know that he can text freely again because his battery won’t die. I wish he’d just tell me if he was struggling the way I was- just so I feel less crazy for being so inhibited right now. I wish I knew that it was hard for him still. Because selfishly, it would just make me feel like I was something worthwhile, that I’m difficult to lose and be without. 

I’m just feeling really down- like a sad, incomplete version of myself. I don’t feel confused about who I am or how to be happy, I just feel like I’m suffering a really big loss. I was the happiest in my life when I was with him, and the saddest without him. I keep telling myself to keep believing that there’s something there, but feeling insecure about my worth now just makes me think that even though I believe it, he just might not. And it’s a scary thought that I may be in love with someone who doesn’t want me back. 

A lot of the time I just don’t know what to do with my body- it’s here, it’s alive, it’s breathing- but it’s in the most dysfunctional stage. It just wants and needs all these things but there’s just nothing I can give it right now to satisfy it. My brain is panicking all the time and I have to tend to it by trying to distract it but then it acts like a child and won’t watch stuff to relax. My heart is hurting but when I write it just gets worse. My legs keep telling me they want to run, get out and walk places, but if I try they just shake and feel weak. 

I guess the reason I never acted on my gut feelings is because I could somehow anticipate the pain it would bring, and living a half life with him would honestly be better than feeling this way. I know someday it’ll get better, but it just feels like I’m stuck forever, mainly because I’m beginning to doubt if he has feelings about me. 

What if he does feel what I am feeling, at all, though. He would probably just avoid it and see it as a blinding distraction. That’s the impression I get, that he thinks feelings are distracting.

I so honestly hope he comes back and proves me all wrong.