The First Dip and Some Important Lists

Dear Diary,

Okay, today is an entry with lists. I’ve started making them in my head already. Last night was the first drop in my emotions after a pretty consistent upward path. I was humming this song that I couldn’t remember the name of (later found out it was “Like I Do” by Envy on the Coast). After I listened to it I thought of a lot of other songs Joe and I used to sing together. I couldn’t listen to any of them but I just thought of them and added them to a Spotify playlist I titled “Breathing Home”. 

Stuff that I like about Joe:

• He is really handy. I like that he can logically think through mechanical problems and fix them. It’s really comforting.
• He can be really brave in tough situations so I feel safe
• He has a really positive attitude and reminds me of the good part of a situation
• When he’s honest, he’s really really honest and genuine
• He has a really big heart and cares about the people he chooses to surround himself with
• He’s really nice to animals (with some exceptions)
• He makes his voice really squeaky and hug-attacks me when he’s happy
• He makes other people smile because he’s kind
• He has a lot of energy and wants to adventure constantly
• He’s really exciting because he’s always looking to do more and do unique things
• He can be really emotionally connected like when he’s writing or listening to music
• When he feels happy, it’s really easy to see and it’s contagious
• He has my favorite singing voice
• He can learn stuff really quickly and has a really adaptive body (great balance)
• He’s willing to listen to other people’s thoughts about him and makes a really legitimate effort to change those things about himself if he agrees it’s a problem he wants to fix
• We have a lot of fun because we think the same type of stuff is funny, most of the time
• I love his hillbilly engineering and the fact that he’s always keeping projects
• He’s a really big adventurer and focuses on the importance of having fun in life
• He is able to get along with most people
• All the physical activities: surfing, mountain biking, fixing/making stuff, driving

Stuff that I don’t like about Joe:

• He can be really self centered
• Say things without completely understanding/caring if it’s offensive 
• Doesn’t think about why someone might be doing something 
• He’ll do what he feels like doing, without consulting anyone. Or he’ll make it seem like there’s room for opinion but then convinces you into his choice
• He thinks a lot of situations happen because of him, when there are many other factors
• He thinks he’s a lot better than other people, and deserves more because of this
• He can get angry really quickly and shut people out
• Especially if he doesn’t work through the emotions and frustrations
• He can be a lot to handle when he gets antsy about his projects or need to exercise
• He can be really revengeful, like an eye-for-an-eye type of behavior
• He can get really lazy about the relationship and takes me for granted a lot
• He has an overpowering personality
• Because he’s logically worked through to arrive at a reason/solution, he assumes most other people just don’t know
• Even if he sees that other people want to do something, he’ll get his own way anyway
• He doesn’t really care for reforming social, political, or environmental standards
• Feminism, controversial issues, politics, human / animal rights, food processing, conservation, protecting the earth, etc.
• He doesn’t really want to listen to people talk about stuff that he doesn’t personally find interesting or relevant. There sort of has to be a personal gain from conversations

Stuff that I like about myself:

• I am really emotionally connected with people I am close to
• I am really patient and understanding
• I can be really calm in stressful situations and guide others
• I can talk people through arguments and help them reach compromises 
• I like to learn about different kinds of people a lot
• I am a really happy person, not averagely happy. I have a really positive aura. 
• A lot of people mention that I’m a very excited/vibrant person after they meet me
• I am good at cooking, and I’m really inventive with this hobby
• I really enjoy watching people eat my cooking as well and bringing them comfort
• I am really good at going with the flow, and trying new things
• I have a really unique background story that makes me understand the world in a more open perspective
• I am really detail oriented, like I pay attention to things most people don't
• Like the texture of a sheet on my skin or the way a hair curl twirls around my finger
• I care about not being ignorant of social, political, or environmental problems
• Feminism, controversial issues, politics, human / animal rights, food processing, conservation, protecting the earth, etc.
• I can get really emotionally connected with writing or music 
• I am really good at organizing and staying within guidelines / rules 
• I find pleasure in finishing tasks by the rules
• I’m extremely thorough in making decisions
• In business, I’m surprisingly good at identifying and changing ineffective structures and processes. These changes have a large impact, even in small jobs or organizations
• I’m really well educated and smart because I actually care about what I learn in school
• This is why my course material is such a large talking point in my conversations 
• I will make a really great mother someday because of how I love
• I am sexually adventurous and exciting, I make efforts to surprise my partner every now and then, and I try new things
• I’m someone that gets along with people’s parents
• I’m really responsible 
• I can make a really great counselor for school-related things, I ease people’s tensions and help them through any school-related processes based on my own experience
• I’m extremely loyal to my friendships, family, and relationships
• I can be really articulate and generate new perspectives
• I can make other people feel really loved
• I touch them a lot, I can explain my feelings, I make them things, I kiss without regret, I listen to them, and I’m always there whenever they need to talk or need help
• I understand how my behavior affects others
• I am really good at not substance abusing 
• I am really lady-like in the sense that I can be really classy, I can behave calm and collected, smart, and give off a positive feminine energy
• I make really great impressions on people, especially employers, parents, and professors
• I’m relatively simple-minded in that I don’t need a lot of things to make me happy
• My hobbies include portrait photography, drawing, writing, guitar, exploring places, meditation, crafting (knitting, cross-stitching, scrapbooking, decorations), learning, reading, watching animated movies, yoga, makeup, games, and spending time with my partner / friends / family

Stuff that I don’t like about myself:

• I am really overbearing in conversations because I feel like what I have to say is always important
• Even if I’ve already made my point, I say the same things over and over to emphasize my points, mainly to get someone to agree with me
• I really like being right and have a hard time being wrong
• I am really stubborn, especially when my feelings are hurt
• I will sacrifice my own needs/wants for others
• I’m not good at listening to what I want and following through with it
• I’m really bad at recovering from mistakes because I have a lot of guilt about them
• This is because I feel like I failed to follow guidelines
• I have a hard time making decisions
• I’m a people pleaser and I love doing everything by the rules
• I am not a physically active person but I have an internal motivation to be that I can’t explain why I don’t follow through on
• I am really nervous in new social situations, I become overly self conscious about what to say in group settings but also one-on-one
• I am not good at nurturing / creating friendships when I’m in a relationship
• I’m not good at making changes to my personality, even if I see the consequences of my behavior. 
• I have difficulty staying consistent with the change after some time
• I tend to overanalyze people and situations, and then just avoid them at all costs because it gives me anxiety 
• I don’t like rollercoasters and horror-related activities (parks, movies, houses, etc.)
• I rely on other people too much to expose me to people, things, and activities

I guess the reason for my drop was because I felt a little bit of distrust in Joe. I ran across a poem he wrote me and it made me realize how many promises he had made and what expectations he’d created for me, and how he’s kind of tumbled them by making this choice. I guess I felt like he was the one who was supposed to believe in us and he was always the one reminding me of why we’re different, unique, strong, etc. I guess there’s some feelings of betrayal, like he worked me up to love him this way only to realize that he couldn’t keep his promises, that he was wrong and that we’re just not as strong as he thought we were. I’m not sure if any of this is true, I’m just feeling a little down.

I guess it kind of sucks being in my position, having to think about whether or not I should love him through this. Not that it’s really a choice. It’s weird, but even writing that list of all the stuff I don’t like about him- it’s not really true, because I do like all those things about him. Like it sucks, and it’s probably a problem, but I like that those are his issues. Like of all the issues he could possibly have in the world, I like that those are his issues. Because everyone is flawed and has a lot to learn, so it’s a really good set of issues in my opinion. The things I don’t like about myself are sort of the same way- I know they’re problems and they should be resolved, but at least it’s not terrible. Like I could have much larger issues that would make me not like myself as a whole person.

Here’s the poem he wrote:

We laugh and we cry, one day we’ll die 

But tonight and forever each day I’ll never 

Forget what we are, I’ll keep driving this car 

Cause without you I’m lost, I don’t care what you cost 

I can’t afford to be, without you you see. 

So drink this potion my bottled emotion 

And know when I say 

That each passing second of each passing day 

I smile, I miss you, I love you Hale.

Love,