Anger

Dear Diary,

I chuckle at myself because as a psychology student I should’ve figured I’d go through all of the stages of grief like they say people do. I’m at the point of sadness today where I’m more angry than sad. I’m mad this is all happening- it’s fucked up that he gave up on us. We were seriously really good together and he had something amazing that he just chose to let go. 

When I’m coming home after school I find myself looking at the street next to the apartment to see if his car is there. I hope that maybe when I come home he’ll be waiting on the bedside, just looking at me with tearful eyes telling me he knows, he’s sorry, this is what he wants and it doesn’t need to take months to understand that. I think about that moment when I turn off all the lights and lock the door, that maybe he’ll show up then. I wish and I wish for this moment to arrive for him to just remember everything he created and taught me. 

Listening to our music really did that to me. I keep replaying the songs in my head and I remember how I felt when I first heard them, and how I’d feel looking at him while I listened to them. It makes me remember how we saw everything- it was us and then the world. We were the ones who listened to these songs, we were the ones who understood them, we were the ones who found each other and built something those songs were singing about. 

I saw this quote today on Tumblr, and it really made me think about how the reason that I’m getting so upset about this whole thing and the reason I feel so damn passionately about it is because there’s a receptor for our love in my body. And it’s not responding.

If you love beauty, it’s because beauty lives within you. If you love art, it’s because you are creative. If it wakes up your heart, a receptor for it already exists within you. Your soul is drawn to the things that will help you unfold your most glorious expression. Give in.

So when I get mad about all this it’s because it’s fucked up, it’s this feeling that’s supposed to be there and it’s not getting any signals back. Honestly, this was a challenge period of a low time- limited space, money, time, everything- and Joe totally bailed out and got scared. He is scared of commitment- I know he said he feels ready to marry but I just don’t think that’s true. It all got a bit too real. When he told me that he feels like he never got that move-out period like I did to do his own thing, the reality of the matter is that I asked him about that way before we talked about moving out together. I said are you sure, because this is the first time you’re away from home. I’ll understand, I said. I really want you to move in with me because it’d be fun and nice, but I understand if you want to take the same path I did. He said no then. Just like he said no after a few days when we went on the break in year two or three when I told him he should see more people. What the hell!

Like screw him for not believing in us. Screw him for building me up, conditioning me to give him more and receive less and less, to believe in us like nothing else in my life. Screw him for making me look for other guys now. Screw him for honestly making me not trust in him or trust in sharing my love- after all the time it took to get to this point. Screw him for making me not trust other guys, either. Screw him for teaching me that you can love someone too much. Screw him for messing up my favorite time of the year that you semi-need another special person- the holidays. Screw him for taking me for granted, yelling at me a lot, stressing me out, complaining about us all the time, and making me tend to his every need- only so he could leave. Screw him for making me waste this whole week not feeling happy without him. 

My hair doesn’t want to curl when I’m unhappy. After I shower, my hair looks like it does on my second or third day hair- pretty much straight, flat, with a couple of poofy curls on the ends. It ruins my fucking day. I didn’t even know it’s something my hair does, and I don’t understand how. All I know is that it’s not fucking curling and it makes me sad.

I just want the fucking guy to come back home and say sorry so I can love again. This is fucking lame and dumb and I want it to end now. Because I know we’re real.